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I am looking for a way to help my partner. We are both in our 30s. He has a drinking problem. I am relatively successful in my career and life. I am not a child of a alcoholic, but I have many friends who are. So I know how damaging having an alcoholic in my life can be can be
He is not in denial of his problem, he isn't part of AA yet, but we have discussed that he might find some help there. However he doesn't understand that him having a problem could very easily become problematic for me. I love him and want what's best for him, but I see the warning signs in myself that I have read about on the Al-Anon website. Controlling behavior, worrying that he's sneaking alcohol. I hate to admit it, but I feel like he's lying to me all of the time.
He's a quiet drink at home til he passes out kind of alcoholic. Most of the time he is with me, he doesn't drink and if he does, it's one or two drinks and that's all. I just want him to see/hear other people's stories so he can better understand why I worry for him and myself.
So I have two questions. I think that it would benefit him to see the damage that Alcohol can have on a family. He's been quite fortunate so far in that he hasn't hurt anyone physically or mentally (other than losing some trust and causing a lot of worry). My first question: Would it be appropriate to have him attend a Al-anon meeting with me to allow him to hear how alcoholism has affected the lives of other people?
My second question for any of you that have a significant other in AA, is it appropriate to have someone go with you the first time? M,y boyfriend is quite shy and doesn't like to do new things by himself. No I won't be dragging him to the meeting. He has agreed to go, but would like me to go with him the first time. Is this appropriate? Allowed? Any insight would be appreciated. He and I are working through this together, but there are something that might be easier if we weren't doing this alone.
Hi Wandering and welcome! I'm glad you found us. With respect to Alanon meetings, I believe there are Open meetings that are open to anyone - however, they do ask that if people choose to share they do so from the Alanon perspective. While I don't see harm in bringing him, I think you need to question your motives - do you want to bring him because you hope it will lead him to stop drinking? If so, I'd be careful. Alcoholics usually know very well that they are hurting others, but more often than not it doesn't make them stop. It is a terribly selfish disease in that respect. They have to really want it for themselves. So in that respect, the best thing he can do for his recovery if he is ready is go to AA meetings. You can go with him as long as it is an Open AA meetings as well. If you go on the site it will specify if the meeting is Open or not. I wish you both luck, and hopefully you both can gain insight from these meetings and connect with others going through the same types of situations. nyc
I have gone to several open AA meetings with my husband, I have felt very accepted and comfortable there. I do not speak in the meetings because I am not an alcoholic. I just listen. You have to make sure they are open meetings because closed are just for AA members. As for bringing him to Al-Anon: I have never seen an AA member in Al-Anon before and, to be honest, there is some talk about the dysfunctions that the alcoholic has caused but typically in Al-Anon we really focus on our own health and growth by working our own program. People in Al-Anon work the 12 steps just like those in AA. Face to face Al-Anon meetings, this forum, my sponsor and Al-Anon friends, and the literature have really helped me. I can see you really care about your partner and that is wonderful, I would just like to make sure you are aware of the three C's: You did not Cause his disease, nor can you Control it or Cure it. A supportive partner is very beneficial to one's recovery, though. Welcome to MIP, keep coming back.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Aloha Wandering...I'm a "double". I'd let your imagination play with that a bit before I tell you that I am a member of both Al-Anon (longer than) and AA and have seen and heard and even done all kinds of stuff in and with the program to get my expectations and needs met myself. I've seen many different variations of "We go there adn then We go there" while looking for relief from "the problem". His problem might be that he does have the compulsion to drink with the allergy that comes with it...(part of the definition of alcoholism) and your's might be that you have the compulsion to "fix the alcoholic and the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical allergy to doing that". One of the major changes I had to make in my life what what I did and how I did it and for what reasons because all of that was coming out to crap before I got into Al-Anon. Much of what I did was not successful for either she or I and for the wrong reasons and then we are still responsible for our choices right? Right.
You and he will do what you think and feel are right for you as I and my alcoholic/addict wife did also and then over time we learned more and did different. One of the guiding principles I learned in the program from a sponsor was to look at the consequences I wanted before I made the choice to go get it. Normal people do this all the time...alcoholics and addicts and enablers have to be taught it because we have compulsions stronger than rational thoughts and behaviors. He would like a good life and will drink before he goes to make one...you would like to have a good life...with him...and need to fix him first.
Just a alternate thought...with an alternate consequence. Go to a couple of Al-Anon meetings by yourself first and then ask him to join you later if you wish and after learning more. Next pass this suggestion on to him only substitute AA for Al-Anon. Get some experience first and then make the decision.
Anyways...keep coming back here anyway and let us know how things are going for you. If he wants to listen to a bunch of alkys on the web...there is an AA board here also.
Jerry, you hit the nail on the head when it comes to me. I want a happy life with him and I have been trying to fix him. Everything from talking about why to keeping him so busy with fun stuff and/or mundane stuff that he didn't have time to drink. However, I know that I have co-dependent tendencies, so I caught myself and realized that this wasn't something I could fix. No matter how hard I tried. I considered just walking away from it, because I know my own issues and I really don't want to fall back into old routines.
Because he does a good job of not drinking around me and staying at his house when he does, I fell in love with him and didn't see the drinking problem until it was too late (feelings got involved). I've never dated someone with an addiction problem before, my previous co-dependency issues came from dating emotionally abusive men. I've had many years of counseling for it. Andrew is very loving and kind and had I not heard from his friends and family about his drinking habits. I would have thought I had found the 'perfect' man for me. Now I walk the thin line between looking out for myself emotionally and helping him help himself.
I will admit that going to an Al-anon meeting by myself seems like a daunting task. Andrew's drinking problems really haven't affected my life as significantly as I think most people attending have been affected by their loved one's problems. I've done a good job of pulling back emotionally before I started making excuses for him or really started to 'fix' him hard core. I feel like I have it easy right now and this is an attempt to nip a problem in the bud. If attended by myself, I worry about feeling like someone crying about being broke when they have money in the bank. My post here has been an attempt to find help resources for him rather than trying to fix him. I'm just trying to lead the horse to the water. He can drink the water it if he wants to. If he doesn't well the truth is, there are other horses. I just want to give this a chance before I walk away.
That kind of leads me to another question. Is it possible to have a healthy relationship between a recovering codependent person and an addict?
Hi and welcome. It sounds like you have a lot of understandable reactions and questions. Being close to someone whose drinking is bothering you can be very confusing and consuming. For me, face to face Al Anon meetings were invaluable to clearing my head and correcting my unhealthy responses to being married to a lovely man whose drinking bothers me. He continues to drink, sometimes more, sometimes less, but I now, after a year of attending meetings feel clear about my responses and reactions. Going to a meeting can feel overwhelming at first, but by just sitting and listening, after time, things just become clearer. Most questions kind of get answered themselves. I take it one day at a time, and what a relief it is to not be trying to mange and control my husband anymore! There is a beer in the fridge right now. A year ago, this would have totally upset me and our home (we have 2 small children). The pressure is off me, the responsibility is on him, and my unhealthy imeshment with my husband is gradually sorting itself out. Hope this helps!
I nipped it in the bud... i did not know my husband relapsed, he had been actively in his addiction for a year but hid it from me.. very well... so I did not spend months/years in chaos. There were no fights, no financial problems that were not fixable, no abuse, just a gradual decline of the exciting, ambitious man I fell in love with.... I only spent about a week in chaos when I found out about that year I had been lied too and that was enough time spent in crazy town for me.. I went to Al-Anon. I am so so so grateful that I did too because I discovered, AH aside, there were things about me that I decided needed to be changed and I discovered that I had the courage to change them.
I very much do think it is possible for a co-dependent in recovery and an alcoholic in recovery to have, not only a healthy relationship, but a very fun filled, emotionally and spiritually satisfied one because in each program each partner is studying and working on themselves thus leading to two very independent, spiritually brought to life, emotionally stable human beings deciding to share some time together but not relying all their expectations of happiness to develop from one person but relying on themselves for it. These are just my opinions from personal experience.
If you are debating going to a face to face meeting just remember every person in there understands and is there for the same reasons, different stories same ideas, and everyone had to walk in the first time... probably alone.
Good luck to you.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
A follow up. Late January, Andrew and I parted ways. Until our break up he had not had a drink since Christmas.
Showing him my post and your subsequent responses made him realize that my concerns were not just me 'not liking his drinking habits'. It showed him that they were justified concerns He considers himself an alcoholic now and stays away from alcohol and the situations that make him want to drink. He has moved back home and is in an environment that is much more conducive to staying clean and finding healthy habits to replace old unhealthy ones.
The night after we broke up he did drink. I felt horrible, but I knew I had to stand my ground and not come to his rescue. Despite all of the heartache he suffered he has not drank again since that night according to his mother. I'm proud of him and plan to be there as a friend and emotional support as he continues to change his life for the better.
In the end the relationship couldn't be salvaged, but your kindness and honesty helped him see the truth of the situation. Who knew the words of strangers could be so powerful. Thank you very much everyone who posted a response.
Also keep in mind that if he drinks or not this is not your issue to bare. You didn't cause it, you won't control it and you can't cure it.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
