The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
*waves* The wonderful people on the AA board said this was a great place to learn about living with an alcoholic.
Not that its new to me. I am a adult child of 2 alcoholic parents. My husband is also a child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic himself. We have been married for 4 months and things are not going well. We are to the point where if things dont start getting better soon we will find ourselves getting divorced.
I am not to sure how to handle things. (guess im gonna pour my heart out here)
I am not sure how to explain to him that what he is doing is hurting us. And kills me on the inside. He refuses to believe he is a different person when he is drinking. I dont want to see him in that much pain or hurting the way i know he is. And at the same time he also refuses to see where i am coming from. That these are the things I hated growing up.
I also know that leaving my marriage currently is not an option. My marriage in a spiritual sense is not just between me and my husband. But also at the core of my faith. And I love my husband very much. And when there is no drinking we get along great. We do amazing things together. Its when he drinks and we are alone usually that the screaming and yelling starts.
I knew going into our marriage that he liked to drink, we have always had fun together that way. Im not much of a drinker but im a social light, and always drove and tagged along. But before we got married I made it clear i was ready to grow up we are 25 and 32 now. We both agreed that we would have less people over and scale way back on the drinking. And get ready to start our family and life together.
It never occurred to me once that he would struggle with not drinking. ( No one around me has ever stopped drinking). That it would make him angry at me. I feel like most days im on this insane roller coaster with him from extreme depression to a lot of yelling and self hatred.
And I know im not handling it well currently because eventually I cant take his crap any more and I freak out and yell. We end the night with both of us screaming and yelling about nonsense at each other.
I know there is a way for us both to break out of this horrible cycle we where born into. I know that with love and compassion and spirituality we can heal ourselves and have a wonderful marriage. I'm just not sure what the steps are or how to go about it. So this is where I find myself siting here wondering what to do next. What steps do i take and what road do i go down to start working toward something that I know I can live with and be proud of.
so glad you found us here...this board has helped me so much...
know that you are not alone in struggling with this pervasive disease...but also know you can learn to live alongside it if you choose to..
read the posts here, scan through the archives...and I want to share that early on for me...much of the alanon stuff didn't seem to make sense beause I wanted to teach my AH that what he was doing was WRONG...and to stop being a FOOL etc etc what were they talking about here? Letting go?!!! Are you kidding me? My life is at stake!!
But trying to make him stop drinking did nothing but make me miserable...trying to rationalize with an A or "teach them a lesson" or right fighting is futile...it's like trying to control the weather...he is gonna do whatever he is gonna do. Cant control it, can't cure it...and I didn't cause it...any more than I cause the rain.
so some of the things here may sound like a foreign language! but take what makes sense to you right now...
there's lots of good books here...and wonderful people and posts...it is a good place to be...
welcome, and we are with you in spirit...
-- Edited by rehprof on Thursday 22nd of December 2011 06:58:26 AM
(((Moon Beam))) Welcome to the MIP family. This is a great place full of knowledge, comfort, and support. I have learned SO much here. Living with an alcoholic is very difficult, but this board has helped me to make my life better. I suggest reading the stickys, and the posts and replies. Lots of ESH (experience, strength, and hope) being shared. I'm sorry about the situation that brought you to this place. But I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back!
You've received this suggestion but I also highly recommend combing the archives. I found one person and would follow their threads, I just read and read.
If you have a face to face meeting available definitely try a few. Most importantly keep coming back!!!
Sending love and support as you start your own journey to recovery. You have gotten a lot of great ESH.
A book I JUST got done reading was The Delima of an ALcoholic Marriage, its' alanon lit. I really would suggest you give it a read. As well as Getting Them Sober, Toby Drew Rice (Toby Rice Drew .. I get confused .. lol), it's helped me have a lot more understanding for other people in my life as well as making a few startling discoveries about myself. Finding the support and tools that you need to deal with your own stuff is huge. Face to face meetings are a great way to find out that you aren't alone and you don't have to muddle through with no face to face support.
Something that hit me between the eyes in coming to the MIP boards was the 3 C's I had never heard those terms before .. I didn't cause the addiction, I can't control the addiction and I wasn't going to cure the addiction. I heard it in passing at a seminar I went to however I didn't get it. I got it here. It applies to other things in life as well. The other thing was, I started to be ready to look at the damage that I had done in my relationships and how I had much to make amends for. I couldn't blame everything on other people anymore. The more I pointed at other people I started to have an awareness that hmm .. this keeps happening this is bigger than just alcohol in my life.
Please keep coming back and better yet keep coming for you, growing up in dysfunctional homes and/or living with addiction we have all learned ways to cope with unreasonable situations more importantly we survived in spite of those situations. Life is more than just surviving and we can now choose to live vs just survive.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Moon Beam, you are in the right place. Face to face Al-Anon meetings, this forum, my Al-Anon literature, journaling, my sponsor and Al-Anon friends, and personal therapy have absolutely saved me from going completely insane. Al-Anon works if you work it and I am proof of that. Glad you're here because this site is full of hope and very caring, wonderful people. The three C's were also a pivotal moment for me as well. Those three phrases were the turning point that it was not on me and the discovery that I can be happy whether my alcoholic/addict husband is drinking/using or not.. and also the more I read about the disease the more I accepted that it truly is a disease; a progressive, family disease and it is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Once I accepted my husband was not using and drinking to spite me and he was not trying to purposely ruin my life but rather to make his own existance manegable I grew compassion for him rather than resentment and began to heal. Sending support and hope you're way. Someone said to me my very first Al-Anon meeting "as long as the alcoholic is breathing there is hope for him/her" and I truly do believe this. :) Keep coming back!!!
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Aloha Moon Beam and welcome from this side of the Pacific Ocean. You came here with most of my story yet with changes...just a few. I'm male and my alcoholic addict was female...my wife. I knew she had a big problem we use to drink together. Enough about the drinking...I was making a decision to part from her and not marry yet within hours of making that decision we were husband and wife or enabler and alcoholic/addict. How we did it would make good humor and why we did it is classic alcoholism..just like I get when I read your entry post. You're younger than I was then so I've got more hope for you that if you learn from the fellowship of MIP (and they have already come forward to help you heal...amazing) and the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area you will have more and more lasting sanity and happiness than I did when I first got here.
Look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call that number for the times and places we get together in your area and just go...no need to tell your alcoholic where and why or try to attach it to his drinking. You like I have been born and raised in the disease...time to go find out what the hell happened and why it hasn't gotten better only worse. When you're at the meeting they will give you a newcomers packet...if not ask them for one. They will show you the literature table and most of the pamphlets are at no cost. Get what you need to tell you about alcoholism (learn as much as you can about this life threatening disease) and read all of it. Get a meeting schedule to see when the fellowship meets and make some contacts. I'm not suggesting anything I didn't do myself and one of the consequences of that is I can come here and read your post and the feedback all the ladies of MIP have already given you at no charge or reason other than we would like you to have what we have today...sanity and serenity and the tools and awareness on how to get more and keep it.
The suggestions from these sisters is gold...follow them and watch what happens to your life. Your alcoholic is gonna drink whether you like it or not...what are you going to do?
Moon beam,
Welcome to the alanon board. I am so glad you found us. You have already gotten so much ESH already, but I wanted to extend a warm welcome to you myself.
Please continue to share and post new topics. I do so look forward to getting to know you better.
In support,
Tommye
Hi Moonbeam and welcome - I can echo those who advise to read older posts, I got SO much great comfort from finding out that I wasn't the only person in the world living on a roller coaster.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
