The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So today is/was his payday... Gosh a part of me was really really hoping he would come and give me the money he owes me and say hes sorry and yada yada... Of course that is not what happen.. I can only guess what happen.. I have a pretty good idea.. I havent seen him since the morning I had to send him to jail.. He did call on saturday and ask if some of his stuff was still here and then asked if he could come get some clothes and maybe take a shower. I said yes IF he wasnt going to be mean... He never came and i havent heard anything from him.. Im not searching or callin all over for him BUT I cant get it out of my head. Where has he been staying? Is he ok? The biggest one is why hasnt he come to get his clothes?? He is overly clean with his hygiene ( takes two showers and changes clothes twice a day) but yet he has only what he left with on his back???? I dont get that??? Just very very odd for him.. Also my son is having a very very hard time with all this.. My A has been the only male that has consistantly been in his life ever.. He doesnt want to go to school he wont do his work when he is at school. Huge temper tantrums, hes mad at my A but misses him horribly.. I have been talking to him about all this and tell him his feelings are ok and that I feel the same way.. I set up to start him in counseling today.. He is open to it even though he is only 6 he said " it would be good to give it a try." He told me that " when you live someone you dont hurt them." So I had to go more into why some people get sick.. I started telling him about addiction and the first thing he said was "my dad has that".. Smart little boy... His father smokes pot every single day and is very fruity.. (my A that I talk about is not his father).
Also I feel like Ive been basically just left to myself to deal with all of this.. I feel mad because I have always been there to help people and when I need someone the only person who is here is my counselor (her job). I started telling my mother that I just feel alone and she suggested a few social service people (my mom works at social services)... Gosh I just dropped the subject.. She has always been too busy for anything.. Her work is her life.. Her work is more important than anything and that will never change..
On a good note I have a wonderful father that stopped by tonight just to visit... He would be there for me in the drop of a hat if he always had a way to get here.. He doesnt always have a car or the gas money... Even though he has road his bike all the way to my house ( about 7 or 8 miles) in freezing cold weather to help me before.. (he didnt tell me he had to ride his bike in the cold until he got here or I wouldnt have let him)... So thats why i dont like asking him.
I think its natural that you are wondering. I am not sure if you have a strong HP but again, this is the time to give it over which you seem to be doing by not chasing him up. What a wonderful little boy you have. Kids are pretty smart hey. I do hope you have a great Xmas with your son. Your ex will sort out what he is going to do. Either way, pay day is here, and again you didn't get any money. At least you only have to plan for you and your boy now.
(((((Kris)))))...the Serenity Prayer said very slowly has helped me in times like this. Very slowly because I can focus on each word as it comes up and just hold them one at a time and roll them thru my fingers and get what it all means to me and what I need. ((((your son))))...he knows, he feels, he has a heart and he has dreams. You're not alone and he isn't either. Hope is counselor listens to how much he knows and sees and helps him like you to put the picture together so he can also learn about what he can and cannot change.
For me, I have realized that my AH (soon to be ex) is probably not going to change (I've been waiting 30 years)
I can't fix that. BUT -- i have two boys (9 and 15) who will grow up to be men and partners in relationships some day, and I want them to be healthy happy and relationship saavy....that I may have some influence over....
helping them understand feelings and being REAL and honest is a good thing....you are doing that with your boy...he will be better for it...and he will understand the yin and yang that life brings....
It's hard to think that people are so caught up they can't think about anyone else except themselves. Your xabf has a long road to travel and it's going to take lots of time for him. All you can do is keep the focus on you and give him over to your HP. Sometimes we just have to let go. You are a shining light for your little boy. You have gotten great ESH and all we can do is the best we can do. Really all we can do is learn from our own lives and figure what does and doesn't work.
I can't remember which book it is however there was a great story about a woman who wrote out: (I'm paraphrasing)
Dear _________,
I don't need your help today.
Love, God (HP)
I think there is a little more to it than that however that's the short down and dirty version I remember each day. It helps me remember that my HP is bigger than I know and I don't need to do His job. I didn't get the memo there was a job opening either!! It will get better and it's going to have to get better or not on your x's terms not what we want or feel they should do.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It's going to take a while to stop thinking and wondering about him because he was in your life so long. I would not let him take showers at your house and would not try to be friends with him. Too much drama. He would use it as a chance to sneak his way back into your life. Even if he were sober for a bit, he is just not morally compatible with you and not able to be what you need. So...just an ongoing process of letting go.
His mother could not take care of him, you can't, God can... Taking care of him is not your job. It's not normal in a relationship to have to care for someone else like they are a child either. Whether he hits bottom and starts to grow up is in God's hands and not yours so obsessing about it, wishing, or intervening in the situation is taking your will back and going against your HP.
At a time like this I hope you are reading and not sure if you are attending meetings, my sponsor helps me not feel alone. Please take care of yourself and your lil boy at this time! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I think this is the hardest time because it is where I am truely shown how powerless I am... There really is NOTHING I can do and I hate that... Alot of serinity prayers!! Although in the past I have always tried to do something by calling all his friends to see if he is ok. (because I knew they would tell him and in turn he would know I still cared). That made me feel a little better when I did that I think but still didnt change anything that was the problem.. So I havent been doing that and im feeling icky about just not doing anything at all.. But I at least think that shows growth in me (no matter how icky or crazy it makes me feel) still growth that I am TRYING to let god!! Sigh.... One minute at a time.....
