The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm ashamed to say that I exploded in verbally at a neighbour who had sexually abused my daughter. He was walking down the road alone (we live in the country) when I drove around the corner, spotted him, slowed down and started yelling at him. This was while my other children were in the car with me. He looked shocked, ashamed and pitiful to me. The last time I confronted him was about this time last year when he was on our property. Then I yelled, punched and kicked him through a barb wire fence along with his missus (a school teacher mind you). My daughter has reported the incidents with bravehearts so that when she's ready to go to the police about it the documents are ready to go.
I know this is not good behavior to model to my children. I appologised to them. The oldest one has a bit of an idea of what's gone on. Maybe I still need to talk to someone about it all. I'm aware of the part that my husband and I have played in it all. It's hard to accept my own responsiblity in it all. I guess I'm getting there a day at a time.
Dear Tracey - as a mother I can only imagine how heart wrenching this is and I don't think anyone could blame you for reacting the way you did. Your child was abused and the instinct to protect is ferociously strong. Please be gentle on yourself. Wishing you and your children much support,nyc
I'm on board with NYC, the fact that there isn't a ditch dug in the backyard with this man's body in it says a lot about self control. I don't know if I could have handled the situation as well.
Have you read the book In All Our Affairs? It's a great Alanon book about people who have dealt with some big baggage in their lives and still come out on the other side with hope. If you haven't I encourage you to though I think the stories in the book would strike home.
Whatever part you played in it, I don't want to say it doesn't matter it's more important to remember it was your child who was victimized and needs the care and consideration. When the time is right you can make it about you and your spouse to address with her in an age appropriate way. (I don't know how old your daughter is). I find your reactions pretty normal as a parent to want to lash out. Even if it was inappropriate you know what you need to address.
Just because someone wears the title of teacher, coach, police, clergy doesn't make them above committing crimes of this nature or playing their own part in them. It is easy to assume that just because someone has a title it automatically means our children are safe.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My daughter is in her 20's now. She goes to counselling about it all. The other day she told me she has forgiven him. I'm just not in the same place, maybe one day but not now. To me he's just a pitiful excuse of a human being.
Trace.... I am so sorry I missed this post.. I am not sure how I missed it. If I had, I would have texted straight away. Your daughter is amazing for haven forgiven him. Guilt.... if you feel you have a part in it.. can eat you apart. I am not sure what you could hve done that would cause another to do that to your daughter, just as it wasn't your daughters fault. That man is the one that made the choice to do it, not you.
To live in a small community with that knowledge must be hard. In my experience, I think you acted the way most mothers would.
I am so sorry you are going through this. This tore at my heart today because someone very close to me was sexually abused and, now at almost thirty, he still struggles with the issue... unfortunately he did not disclose the incidents until the statute of limitations was up and the man did not get into any sort of legal trouble. Just remember to remind yourself that resentments are toxic. they don't hurt the other person, they only hurt you.. they are like "drinking poison then expecting the other person to die." The guilt you feel is normal but unneccessary. If you could go back in time you would stop it from happening... but you cannot and you most likely did the best you possibly could at the time. Im sure youre a wonderful mother. Thinking of you.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Hi there Tracy, I was sexually molested in my childhood from an older neighbor and when it came out in counseling I worked through it and even talked to him and he asked me for forgiveness and I gave it. However if someone molested my children that would be a different state of affairs in my mind and that you are ashamed says a lot about the person that you are. Go easy on yourself, I am sure you have to deal with guilt and anger to get to acceptance. Be gentle with yourself and I am actually proud of you, I wish when I told me Mom in my youth about it she would have handled it in some form instead of act like it was normal. The book "In All Our Affairs" has helped me too. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Thursday 22nd of December 2011 01:01:32 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm really not in a very good place at the moment.
Yesterday I told my husband if he didn't get me a xmas present, I would smash his up. The night before he had told me he wasn't going to get me one. It was the drink talking trying to bait me up. Well I guess it worked. I didn't say anything at the time to prevent an arguement, but then the next day I did.
I mentioned it at my al-anon meeting. It didn't go down real well. I know I'm not travelling real well. Somehow I've got to get the focus back on to myself. That would be the best pressie at this time.
Pressies, Chrissie decs, Barbi's, people, heading off down the track, more people, food and food and food, family, kids, look after pets... this is such a massive time of year with so much stuff goin on... then theres the clean up and the 'back to normal' to look forward to.
Tracey at some point it may be a great idea to take some time out for you.
I will be sitting at home (waiting for a cyclone to hit at this point) so anytime you want to disappear and have a chat.... you go right ahead and contact me ok.
