The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My recovering, AH who has moved out (3 months ago) so we can have some space came by yesterday, he wreaked of flowery-disgusting cologne or something...his eyes were blooshot and glossy and earlier a huge bouquet of flowers was delivered to our two girls (probably $60)...um, something seems off?! I am guessing it was 'leftover' from the previous night because he wasn't acting drunk at all.
He looked so guilty and sad. It is heart wrenching. But I made it through the whole night w/o asking if he had drank, which is a huge accomplishment for me. We went out to eat, he gave our girls a bath, and watched the finale of a show we like together and then he left and went back to his apartment.
I know he is struggling every day...but there is a HUGE part of me so glad he is not living here any more so we have space to deal with it. It has been rough. All I can do is pray for him and work my own changes.
The most amazing part is that I have gotten past having to have a 'plan' for our marriage or a deadline that "it needs to be fixed by such-and-such a date or we get divorced"...right now, this makes sense for me...and I am actually taking it One Day At A Time...there is no need to do *anything* until it becomes clear what is right. I am so grateful for that change in myself.
SO grateful to be able to come here and talk about it.
"The most amazing part is that I have gotten past having to have a 'plan' for our marriage or a deadline that "it needs to be fixed by such-and-such a date or we get divorced"...right now, this makes sense for me...and I am actually taking it One Day At A Time...there is no need to do *anything* until it becomes clear what is right. I am so grateful for that change in myself."
I too hold onto this!!! When I came to this board my plan was to give it until June, now I'm taking it one day at a time and I know that I've handed it to my HP!!!
That is the best part about being in the program is each individual program is suited to our needs and what we want to do with it. There are no musts in alanon. I'm so glad you are here. Thanks for the share.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Sookie, I appreciate your words and especially agree with not having to plan out everything. I too am separated from AH but he comes over about once/twice a week to see our son. This arrangement has been working better for all of us. Unfortunately I am facing immense pressure from my family to finalize a divorce once my legal separation hits its year mark. This has been interfering with my serenity and plan to just take some much needed pressure off myself. I appreciate these shares because it is comforting to know how Alanon can help cope in such situations and letting things resolve themself when the time is right. Sending you esh, nyc
That instinct is strong! I knew my AH was lying about drinking and when I found out for sure about the third incident, I got him to admit at least the two other times that I knew in my gut he was drinking. It was the way he would answer my questions. I know something was off. I never gave a deadline, however, due to my AH's anger issues, it's what forced me to leave with my kids. So, I'm literally taking each day--one day at a time because I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring.
I LOVE this share. love love love love it because I can relate so much. When I found out my AH relapsed it was like that song. should I stay or should I go now? Packed my bags a few times. then unpacked.... then we was working AA and then he relapsed again and overdosed, I was traumatized and I just KNEW it was time for me to pack and ship out. I moved in with a friend for three weeks. For at least a week I was asking everyone what to do. what would you do.. but no one knows what they would do and their advice is pointless because in your heart you know. my sponsor said that I should just take it a day at a time and she said good advice is to say "today my decision is to make no decision" I love that. So that is what I did for three weeks. Gradually the problem did not look so huge anymore. I was able to put it into a better perspective and I realized... when its right its right and you just kind of Know what to do when you know what to do. Its easy for me now. I used to make empty threats and put deadlines on my AH's recovery. Now I focus on MY recovery, not his and I don't deadline our marriage or threaten to leave because its not necessary. You don't know what you will do til you're in it. I left for three weeks and it was the best thing I ever did. It gave me time to focus on myself moving back in was also a great decision because my AH and I have had some real honeymoon moments like we're seeing eachother again for the first time. This too shall pass, the good and the bad always pass.. but those memories will remain. One day at a time, One day at a time.
You are doing a great thing for your children. They see you two civil, they see acceptance, they see love. My parents fought every single day of my childhood, which is better, separation and peace or togetherness and chaos?
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
The most amazing part is that I have gotten past having to have a 'plan' for our marriage or a deadline that "it needs to be fixed by such-and-such a date or we get divorced"...right now, this makes sense for me...and I am actually taking it One Day At A Time...there is no need to do *anything* until it becomes clear what is right. I am so grateful for that change in myself.
I can sooo relate to this statement, sookie. I seperated from my AH almost nine months ago and I am just living my life "one day at a time." At first, I was all set to immediately start legal seperation or divorce proceedings, but then I realized that I was doing this because of pressure from my family and not because that's what I was ready to do at that time. I still hold out some small hope that my AH will "hit bottom" and finally get the help he needs. Until then, I am in a safe place and am working each day on my own recovery and letting go, letting God.
aha sookie your post rang a bell with me today, I have been where your at right now . I am so grateful for the Al-Anon oldtimmers who encouraged me to wait for a few months before making a decission about our marriage. I promised my self I would give it yr and if there werent any signifigant changes I would leave , the yr came and went and I knew in my heart it was okay to stay right where I was I was happier than I had been in yrs , husb was still drinking but by setting boundaries for how I would be treated our relationship changed . We too separated for a few months and in those months I found out that I was going to be okay with out him and luckily he decided that home was where he wanted to be and was willing to do what he had to do to be here . * sober and AA or stay where he was * that was 20 yrs ago and tho sobriety has definetly been interesting I truly am grateful that I chose to stay . Don't miss the good days worrying about what Might happen . I love the statement BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED!! can't leave because of financial concerns , dont want to leave for whatever reason .. Enjoy Louise
Thanks everyone. Even just writing that out made me see how much I have changed. When I came to Al-Anon in January 2011, I was a raging lunatic, broken, terrified, looking for anyone to just tell me to leave him...but of course no one told me that I am glad I stayed in this amazing program and that I am exactly where I am today. THANKS!!
(((sookie))) Yep, you are right where you are supposed to be at this time in your life. Rely on, and listen to your HP. More will be revealed. Thanks for the great share.
I truly am grateful that I chose to stay . Don't miss the good days worrying about what Might happen . I love the statement BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED!! can't leave because of financial concerns , dont want to leave for whatever reason .. Enjoy Louise
I am glad I stayed in this amazing program and that I am exactly where I am today. THANKS!!