There are some great reads in ODAAT and C2C as well as Hope For Today about being the "victim".

Take heart and be gentle with yourself, you have some great awareness to know what you have done and what isn't working.

Hugs P :)

Hi Atheos,

I agree with Pushka and Breakingfree :) It's good that you're looking at these things, but it's probably a very good idea to just be gentle.

It's very possible that you have legitimate hurts from the past that still need to be recognized, acknowledged and grieved in order to move on. As always, a wonderful question is "what am I going to do?" I find that there are people who have been through far worse than me, but I still need to deal with and accept the pains from my life in order to move on. The past is the past, we have to deal with it, accept the things we cannot change, and then decide what we're going to do with our futures.

Another wonderful thing in those self-pity times are the gratitude lists!

Hope you feel better ~
Doozy

 

(((((Atheos)))))  I work actively at not building justifications or excuses for being abused by others...whoever they were or are.  Victims are real people and must reach healing as has been mentioned.  Acceptance and letting go help me to shorten the healing journey and also to help me change how I permit others to relate to me.   Stay with us and continue to share yourself with this MIP family.    ((((hugs))))

I agree with Doozy about how you do have to process pain and trauma and hurt. Al-Anon teaches us healthy coping skills and ways to deal with every day life but it still means you're going to feel. People have had it far harder than I have, as well, but no one knows what it is like exactly to be me and for that... pain is subjective and these feelings are yours and no one else's so to compare them is profitless. When you self pity over your self pity you are hurting yourself, atheos. It is okay to feel these feelings, what is not okay is to let them rule your life and let them take a life of their own. When I start feeling sorry for myself, instead of becoming angry with myself for feeling that way, I think, it's okay to feel these feelings, my HP loves me either way and accepts me as I am. Then I may grieve, I may write about it, I may cry about it, I may pray about it. When I am able to let it go I realize they are not so profound anymore and that there is no sense in self pitying over the fact that I self pity.

Jackie's comment also came to mind when... I read it last night in one of the books too (Love that us Al-Anoners all over the world read the same pages each day, it connects us.) I agreed with it and when I work step 8 I do plan to put ME at the top of my list of those to make ammends to (was having difficulty finding people.. i have the basics but I have not harmed many as I have harmed myself with toxic thinking.) I would victimize and also then I would beat myself up over the fact that I victimized. I am worth forgiving and I am worth accepting and I am worth loving. So are you, atheos.

There is a big difference between being victimized and then playing the victim. All of us have experienced some type of vicimization (the levels are different, however pain is pain so it is equal in the eyes of our own personal feelings) however for me staying in the role of victim doesn't work as it keeps the focus off of where I need to have it which is what is my part. It does take time and LOTS of Easy Does It with a big dose of One Day At A Time.

That's the beauty of alanon is I don't have to be alone as I struggle through my own issues and it helps me so much to hear/read how others have acted in their own situations.

Hugs P :)

For me .. I will use my own childhood, .. I was victimized as a child. Things happened that I can't undo that were hurtful and the adults in my life knew better they just didn't know how to be healthy adults (or act like the grown up in the situation/s). Where I played the victim for many years is to use that as the "why" my world was so wrong. It was ALL their fault. Of course it had nothing to do with me and my attitude or actions. It was all THEM. When I get on the pity pot, when I start pointing fingers I can now see that I'm playing the victim. Being in victim mode means giving away all of my power to other people (my parents, s/dad) instead of being able to see outside and see other options of my own behavior I take the easy way and just continue to do what I've done which is blame and point fingers. The all might tool of deflection!! As long as I focus outward I don't have to look at me. It's total self defense against myself!! Ironically, I allow other people to control my thoughts and actions and they aren't even present as I make these choices (that little eye opener kind of ticked me off .. lol .. how dare I give away my power and allow other people to control me!? Not so much in the year 2011!)

After a year in alanon it doesn't give me the same emotional payoff it used to, playing the victim and I've had to start going hmm .. somewhere in here I have some personal responsibility for my own choices now I was no longer a helpless child at the whims of the grown ups in my life. It doesn't mean I minimize or pretend that the past didn't happen. I no longer feel the need to live in the past. It just is what it is. I have stopped allowing the past to color my present which affects my future. I have chosen to take my power back and stop sitting on the pity pot. Which doesn't mean I don't visit from time to time it just means I no longer need to live there. By choosing to take a good look at myself the great, good, bad and the ugly I can say the bad and the ugly aren't so bad and ugly anymore and I don't need to play the victim so no one else can see I'm not perfect. I'm really starting to be ok with the fact I'm not perfect and I make mistakes and the world doesn't stop spinning and people in my life don't think less of me because of the mistakes I make. I don't need to point at others just so I don't have to see myself.

This is a great thread I'm looking forward to others responses!! :)



Hugs P :)