The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, my AH who was dry for over two weeks and attending AA meetings decided this week that he was only going to go if he felt the need. I just wanted to say "it's usually too late by then", but I didn't. Then yesterday he ends up going out for beer on the way home from work. I asked about his day and what he did after work and his response was "I went for some beer, do you have a problem with that?" I responded that I didn't in order to avoid a fight. it was that same combative tone of voice and I know that if I had said yes, he would have left to drink more as that would have provided him with a reason.
In my mind this is indicative of a relapse on it's way. I haven't said anything as I can't control him, but really want to. I'm also now uneasy, worrying and stressed.
Hugs, a slip is a slip. It's more important that you stick to your side of the street. I rephrase I find for me that it works if I stick to my side of the street and take care of me and my business. There is a great thread already going about this issue. I'm sure you will get wonderful responses as well. Hugs p ;) keep working your program.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks Pushka, What is the subject line of the other thread? I'd love to read it. And thanks for the reminder to stay on my side of the street, sometimes I forget that part.
Our step one is the realization that we can not control how an alcoholic responds to their disease. People tend to relate to others by imagining how they would react to a situation, but just like I can't relate to how it would feel to be pregnant, I can't related to how it would feel to be an alcoholic. So we have to accept that no matter how much sobriety is under someone's belt an alcoholic may relapse at any time, we can't prevent it, we can only work to protect ourselves against the repercussions that may arise.
I dove into program, did all the "right" things, but my motivation was to stop my wife from drinking. I set myself up for a lot of disappointment, because even doing the "right" things didn't give me control. All I can do is follow what I believe is right for me and hope my wife takes care of herself. Relapses are hard and they can have serious repercussions, financially and even life threatening repercussions, but we can't stop them anymore then we can stop a storm from coming, we can only take cover and decide if the weather where we live is too harsh for our tastes. I don't mean that relapses are inevitable, just out of our control.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know that if I had said yes, he would have left to drink more as that would have provided him with a reason
Hi - glad you're posting, and wanted to share some of the merits of our program that might help you out.... your statement above insinuates that your actions can "cause" his drinking, and therefore it is a natural extension for you to take on (or him to accuse you of) being "responsible" for him drinking....
Our program teaches us about the three C's..... you didn't Cause it, you won't Cure it, and you cannot Control it....
You saying "yes" (or no, or timbuktu, for that matter) has no bearing whatsover on whether he drinks or not... he might use your words as an excuse, but please make no mistake about it.... he drinks - plain and simple - because he is an alcoholic. You don't have the power to enforce his sobriety, NOR his drunkenness....
We have a great old saying.... "he will either drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?" - Time to choose recovery, for you....
Take care, and please keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Tom, you have reminded me that I can't cause him to drink. I constantly review the three C's and most of the time I can put them into perspective and use them in my mindset. I can't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. I need to use the tools in this program more. I was doing good and have fallen wayside.
Being prepared is a good thing too and gives me come comfort.
Thanks for everyone's support and posts, they are very helpful and is why I will keep coming back here to complement my f2f meetings.
Relapse on its way ? he has already done that . Like everyone else has said they drink its what an alcoholic does and you have no control over that . Keep going to meetings take care of yourself he has a Higher Power too and wil take him where he needs to go. Until he says what he is doing is causing him a problem It ISN"T its causing you a problem and Al-Anon will help you with that.
When I was having a hard time staying on my side of the street, I read Al-anon literature and went to meetings if there was one. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews or "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I also read 3 different daily readers to start my day out with the right thinking. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My AH used to let me know when he was going to the store to buy beer and would follow it with "ok?". I used to kind of numbly nod because I didn't want to be controlling him, but it felt, to me, like giving him permission. It was NOT ok with me. After speaking with my sponser, the next time I said to him "it is not up to me to make that decision or say if it is ok or not. That is your choice to make". It felt so much better to put it all back on him. It was awkward, but now I don't have to kind of agree with something that makes me uncomfortable. It also gave me a chance to really put into practice that I am powerless over whether he makes that choice or not, by completely taking myself out of the equation. Hope this helps. Sending you support!
That is not an indicator of relapse. It is a relapse. It's his relapse though and you can't control what he does. It sounds pretty obvious he is not ready to get sober. 2 weeks into AA and giving up is barely an effort at all.
