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How does everyone handle this? My AH's emotional abuse has skyrocketed over the past couple of months. Then we had a lull for a couple of weeks. Now it's out of control again.
Detaching is so hard for me right now. I want so much to be able to ATTACH, because I need his emotional support for so many things, especially regarding my mom's illness. I know this creates expectations that he is destined to fail to meet, creating disappointment. I know that it's my fault for creating expectations. How do I just let go of the fact that he will not be here for me, because he doesn't want to be and he's not capable of it anyway?
And I know we're not supposed to accept emotional abuse. But how do we defend ourselves against it and still detach?
Sorry everyone...it's just been a bad day, all brought on by some totally innocent questions on my part about a cell phone charger. *sigh*
First, please stop apologizing; there is nothing to apologize for.
Second, and actually first, be safe. Have a solid safety plan and a few fallback plans. PM me if you would like to discuss this further. Other than a keeping yourself safe, there may not be adequate "defense" for verbal abuse other than to learn how to walk away from it and not allow it to affect you. He's angry and provoking you because he can. Verbal abuse often escalates into physical abuse- it can happen to anyone.
Call members on an alanon list to help- help with confirming your safety plan, help with your focus, help giving you the support you need right now.
Understand that the last person that would be able to help you right now is your AH.... no matter how tempting or convenient he may make that seem. You are vulnerable as fertile ground for him to hurt you. Do not go to the hardware store for bread.
It's difficult accepting that this is his and your reality right now and you're front and center stage. Clarity and detachment will come more easily when you can physically remove yourself from the situation and focus on what it is that you need to do for you.
BTW, sounds like innocent questions regarding your phone charger may be the start of a beautiful thing. (((Hugs)))
bud wrote: Do not go to the hardware store for bread.
I am absolutely turning this into my mantra right now. It's exactly what I need to remember.
I need to formulate a plan for removing myself from emotionally abusive situations...that is difficult, because when I walk away it only escalates the abuse. And if I physically left our teeny tiny apartment while he is raging at me, he has made it clear he will call the police. I know, I know...let him call the police.
It's shocking to me to see how things have deteriorated over the last two years. I think about two years ago, when things started to get bad, all the way up to today, and how every step of the way I've just been flabbergasted that he keeps crossing lines I never, ever imagined he'd cross. Because of that, part of me feels that it's only a matter of time before he hits me. That's very sad for me to admit "out loud," but it's the truth. Things will continue to deteriorate. At this point, there's not much else he could do to abuse me besides hit me.
And really, all I want is for him to hug me and tell me how sorry he is about my mom. How totally messed up is that? Further evidence that I suffer from my own disease here, of rampant co-dependency.
stephanie, my therapist told me a while back "you have to grieve the loss of the life you thought you would have" and she was right. She also said one time "accept that, all though, things are not going to be how you want them.. they actually can be better than you ever thought if you allow them to be" She was right again. Because of my AH's disease my unhealthy habits were shown to me and I received the help I needed to make myself happier and healthier. LIfe is not what I thought it would be and sometimes I still grieve it.. but ironically the most horrific incidents turned out to be little presents wrapped for me to open from my HP.. showing me blessings in disguise.. and life is better..its better than I thought it could be because I have my sanity and I know myself so much better. I also have my HP to rely on and the love i have for myself has multiplied over and over.
It may have been therapeutic right there for you to say those words out loud. That is a good thing. Remember that there is hope and help and so many people can relate and understand. I wish I could think of more encouraging words but just know that people care and are listening, okay?
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Hi Stephanie, I agree with Michelle that there is a grieving process associated with realizing that the person you love or loved cannot give you what you hoped and expected. I am separated from my AH now and am unsure if I will reconcile with him at any point. But I know that even if I do, it will be an entirely different reality. I will never be able to rely on him the way I thought I could when we met, even if he remains sober.
When it comes to abuse, setting appropriate boundaries is very important. Everyone's situation is different, but for me, the only way to remove myself from the destructive situation and detach was to physically separate from AH and have him move out. I felt living with him was overstepping my boundaries. If this is not an option for you or not something you are comfortable doing now, perhaps you could at least remove yourself from him while he's intoxicated (and yes, let him call the police if he wants).
Obviously if you feel your physical safety is at any risk you need to do whatever you can to take care of yourself and make sure you are not in harm's way. Your safety and well-being is critical. Please take care of yourself.
Perhaps it's knowing and having the courage to keep yourself safe and not a balance between not taking abuse versus detaching. You have expectations as if you are in a relationship with someone mentally healthy- which would be great if your AH were working a recovery program or if he were otherwise blessed not having this horrible disease. While the disease is active, having expectations can become a mostly painful experience.
It's not uncommon for it to take many efforts to extricate from an abusive situation. Abuse runs in cycles as it escalates, so in between the horrible, scary stuff is the honeymoon phase (which grows shorter and shorter). The honeymoon phase lulls into thinking there is a sense of security... but this is a false sense of security... it is a tactic to keep the person being abused in place- for more abuse.
His abusive behavior comes from his own fears and anger issues and has nothing to do with you; but, your fear makes his behavior stronger.
I love how he threatens you that he'll call the police; kind of him to do you the favor but it is you who need to call the police when he threatens to harm you or if an altercation occurs.
Hits can escalate to death, whether unintentional or not. Please do not minimize being hit or harmed in any way. Even being blocked from leaving a room is considered physical abuse.
Fear keeps us in an unhealthy comfort zone, trading pieces of our soul away to remain put. With help, it is possible to break the unhealthiness and take positive steps until you get to a better comfort zone- one with serenity and you won't be plagued with the turmoil of this kind of worry and fear. Making changes, even good ones, often aren't initially comfortable. My sponsors nudge me along to do even a little something uncomfortable (and positive) every day.
"you have to grieve the loss of the life you thought you would have"--that hit me like a ton of bricks and immediately teared up because that has a lot of truth.
I really needed to read the string of posts tonight. I'm in the similar situation...or was...I left the week of Thanksgiving so I've been in my current location for about a month now. My AH is very verbally abusive when he's drunk. I even started recording some of them because he started making threats of actually hurting me or that if I called the cops on him I would live to see another day. Those I have as proof that I'm not making this up or making it bigger than it really is...as my AH's family likes to say. When my AH put a gun (unloaded but still not ok) to my head, I realized, I really needed to leave. It took me another two weeks after another drunken incident and I was out with my 2 kids. He has to fix himself. Sometimes I wonder with all the anger he has, can that ever truly be fixed? A lot of counseling maybe but who knows if he'll get it. He says he knows he needs rehab but not counseling. Like I said, I did remove myself of that situation and have not regretted it from day one. I also had to cut off contact by phone after he would get drunk and verbally abuse me that way. He keeps telling me he'll fix himself if we come home. It doesn't work that way and I'm not falling for another of his broken promises.
In addition to alanon and what everyone here's said, I got a lot out of reading up on bullying and verbal abuse. No books off the top of my head, but I spent some late nights googling around. It was really eye opening.
Do you have the book Getting them Sober. I have not found a greater resource for readjusting expectations.
The ex A was really emotionally abusive, demanding, derogatory and I took it all very personally. He loved people one minute hated them the next. I saw it as a big personal attack and felt very puzzled. Getting to unpuzzled, unconfused and clarity was hard.
The more al anon tools I used the clearer I got. Detaching is never easy.
You have to be careful of delineating between expectations and boundaries. I expect not to be treated like crap and emotionally abused. I expect kindness and love in my relationship. Those are my boundaries. To have expectations at zero is selling yourself short.
but it is you who need to call the police when he threatens to harm you or if an altercation occurs.