Yesterday I was really having difficulty in general; worrying about my AH and also just doubting my HP.  I am not ashamed to say it because my HP and I worked it out last night ;)  What a difference 24 hours makes!! I mean today I am seeing the world as that bright, vibrant place again.  Everybody I pass I think to myself "man,God loves her".. "he has his own unique soul"... "I love her <hair, shirt, smile, laugh,etc>", "he is so funny and I never noticed before."  Before Al-Anon people drove me crazy.  I wanted everyone to think exactly how I thought, I wanted everyone to see that I was right.  I thought I was God??  Who determines right or wrong? I guess man did huh?  No one truly knows what the HPs feel on the matters.  I know one thing for ceratin though about my HP.  My HP accepts me.. just as I am and as I humbly ask for my short comings to be removed, my HP takes them on his shoulders for me. I feel so much more compassion, such relief to not hold the weight of everyone's problems or moods,  I feel so much love for others. Above all I have discovered that almost everyone i can think of does the very best they can with what they have even if I would do it differently, this is what they've got.

Life is so much more serene and enjoyable when you give it to God, Ive learned. I was struggling with my religious upbringing and how I can MAKE myself believe that way and God showed me, twice in one day, that its okay, to let it go, and to just follow the road he takes me. I stumbled upon a faith that just really suits me perfectly. twice, in one day! I am not saying I'm going out to convert over night.. all I'm saying is that my HP is showing me that it is okay to let go, to explore myself, and  its okay to forget these preconceived ways of thinking where actually I am not thinking at all but instead I am hearing my Mom's judgmenmtal voice over my shoulder, telling me what I have to do.  I say that with a smile because I absolutely love my Mom. Our relationship is bright, now... she still tries to control me but in that tug of way fight I dropped my end of the rope. She falls back and eventually gives up.  In turn I can just accept her and love her and enjoy being around her now.

As for my AH. I am hopeful, I am positive. What did it get me waiting for the other shoe to drop besides futile worry and stress? The shoe did drop that time.. did worrying prevent it?  Did stressing prepare me?  hahaha! Nothing can.  So now I just say "thank you" to my HP that today my AH is clean, that today he comes home and hugs me, that today he does the dishes without me asking, today he brushes his hand through my hair, that today he tells me he loves me.. what does tomorrow have in store? Tomorrow is not predetermined.. maybe by my HP, I'm not sure.  But defintely not by me.

I am really happy today. Again I am grateful for this site, my job, warm sweaters, hot coffee, a car that's safe, fresh cool water to drink, lipstick, Al-Anon friends, forum friends, my co-workers, my over-bearing mother, and my withdrawn father. my three brothers to share in all our holiday rituals like making the cyclops gingerbread cookie... I am grateful my HP allows me to be me and accepts me as I come because I am no cookie cutter cookie.. and I don't want to be either.