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Hi everyone,
I'm new to al anon. My husband has been and opiate addict for the past four years. The last two years have been the worst. He just finished up his 21 day stay in a rehab facility. Before he came home i told him that i wanted him to stay at our condo and our two daughters (6, and 3) here at our house for the first few weeks so we can try and work on healthy communication and bringing our family back together slowly in a healthy manner and not with mom and dad fighting around the kids right away.
We own our condo but have been renting the house we are staying in from my family. While my husband was using he started to pawn everything and has stolen from my family and his. Now that he is out my family will not allow him to come back to the rental house. This time apart was only going to be for a few weeks and then our lease here is up and we were going to have to move back into the condo as this house has been sold.
My husband has been out of rehab for 24 hours. And decided to have two guys from rehab move into our condo with him ( living in our kids room and sleeping in there beds). Our six year old and i are extremely upset and hurt. The condo is our one place to be as a family and start spending time together in a healthy way.
How can we try and build up our family and spend time together with two strangers living in my kids room. My daughter and i have both expressed to him how upset and hurt we are that he is doing this.
My husband is 32 and the two others are just 18 and 22. They have a very different life then we do. And im extremely concerned that them all living together isnt a healthy situation. My husband told me on his way home from rehab that he felt one of them was already going to relapse and that the other one is homeless because his family wont let him back home. Its like he is so worried about saving these two kids and not looking at the big picture of our family's needs too. He said well i need to put my sobriety and me first. I said yes you do above all else is your sobriety but these kids having nothing to do with him sober. And in the mean time the kids and i are on the back burner again.
Please give me some incite on this!
My AH told me a good way to stay sober is to help someone else out that may need it. While I think that has merit, your AH shouldn't be bringing two strangers into your home. He could always try to find them another place to stay and that's a way of helping them as well or making sure they go to meetings with him. The thing that worries me is that he thinks one of them may relapse and that might not be good for him to be around so soon after coming out of rehab. My AH was out of rehab for 3 months and had remained sober until Halloween. He tried to get back on the wagon and lasted two weeks. He called me when I was still at work and said he was going to talk to an old family friend about her drinking and convince her to go to AA with him. He was gone 2 1/2 days. He stayed with her and drank instead. He claimed the best way for him to stay sober was to go try and help someone else out. He was already tempted and walking into the house of a raging alcoholic was not the best place for him to be. I believe now it was an excuse. He left his family for 2 1/2 days, with no word. Your husband's thinking may be that he's trying to help and be a good friend to help his new buddies to stay sober but just be cautious. If one of them relapses and he's around it, it may mean bad news. I hope it turns out better for you and your family. I just wanted to give my experience when my husband decided he wanted to help someone else out and it didn't turn out as I had intended it to. {Hugs}
Step 12 (Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs) This is an important part of the AA program... but first steps 1-11 must have happened and a spiritual awakening must have taken place and even then allowing people to live in your home, to me, is not only enabling if they are using, but also inappropriate if all family members are not in agreement with the arrangement. 1982Mel, I think you are well aware of what you think of as acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Seeing you are new to the program I suggest you continue to get on the site, post and read, attend Al-Anon f2f meetings (some have childcare,) and read Al-Anon literature as much as possible. Keep coming back.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I work in a residential setting for psych and addicted clients. I have seen these things happen many times. I'm going to start by saying in no way do i think that he should have put you and your children behind people he barely knows, but I can provide you some insight that may help you approach him better. These other two that are recovering and your husband had something that he has with nobody else. A connection and a struggle to stay sober. They may have withdrawn together and may have bonded during the many group meetings he may have attended. He may see a younger version of himself in them. He may THINK that he's preventing them from relapsing, but in all actuality they will make their own decisions and they may be good or bad. He cannot change them or force them into sobriety. He may feel that he can stay sober by teaching these younger "kids" how to stay sober and not ruin their life. He is right about putting his sobriety first, but you were completely right in saying that these guys living with him does not change his sobriety. If he is going to relapse he will do it with them there or not. You need to continue to set boundaries for him. Tell him that he has choices and give him several. But if your decision is to stay elsewhere if he continues to allow them in your home, make that clear. Set deadlines for him and if he does not meet them then follow through with the consequences. Encourage him to discuss this decision with his sponsor. Also you need to seek out your supports within your family, your friends, Al-anon, and Al-anon sponsor. Good luck to you. Achieving sobriety is only the beginning.
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~*~Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change~*~
Welcome to Al-Anon. Your situation sounds difficult and it sounds like your original plan was a good one given all the circumstances with your parents. How lucky that you had a place to move into--and you are right that time at first to figure out how to communicate is important. When my husband was in rehab, he did bond with some people. That is going to happen as they go through major life-changes in that closed environment. But family (especially with little children) should come first. Perhaps you can sit together with someone from the rehab clinic or locally to talk about it with a mediator so it is clear to him that this situation isn't the optimal one for EVERYONE.
Aside from that, Al-Anon can really help you start dealing with the changes and challenges ahead as your husband enters recovery. I also first came to Al-Anon almost exactly a year ago when my husband checked into rehab. These groups SAVED my sanity. I stuck with face to face meetings (I went 4 days/week for months at the very beginning) and slowly started to 'get' how the program works. And miracles can happen and changes inside can make the biggest difference to all those around us. I hope the best for you and your family and please keep coming back.
