The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, I am new to this site and even alanon. I am an ex alcoholic myself, but I wouldn't say I was a recovering one as I have not been involved or used any sort of program,just been gripping on to get by. My sobriarty date is 13.06.2008. My bf is an addict and when we met he was in recovery. Last year my world came crashing down when he relapsed. And since then he has not completly let go. Very recently I hit my emotional bottom HARD. I realised I need help, I have been completly going insane trying to control, manipulate to make him change. Often I have felt like I have been losing my mind with his lies. Where I have doubted myself. But I know in my heart of hearts he is still using. I have been going mad searching the place for clues, its crazy and I can't live like this anymore. I love him very much and he is a good father to our young children. I have been forced to look within myself and its not pretty. I know I can't change him or make him want recovery right now, only start the work on myself. But here is where I'm struggling with acceptance and letting go, does this mean I just have to lay down and surrender to him. Something I don't know if I can. I am so confused with all of this I just don't know where to start. The blatent lies to my face is hard to deal with, especially as I know otherwise. My normal reaction would be to confront him with what I know and to prove I have been right all along and tell him to get out and not to come back. With the christmas here, I don't know if I could do that to the children. So I am now waiting to see if he is true to his word where he promises to do something about his addiction after the christmas, and withhold what I know, or if it will be just more empty promises. His speech is so convincing but his actions speak otherwise. I would be so greatful if anyone could pls share some esh with me. Many thanks, serenityseeker1
The 12-steps are suggested as a program of recovery.
When applied in Al-anon, the focus is on recovery from the addiction of trying to control others.
When applied in Alcoholic Anonymous, the focus is on recovery from the addiction of alcolhol.
When applied in NA, the focus is on recovery from addiction of any substance.
Al-Anon meetings can help you start to cope with these feelings of having to control your BF's behaviour.
If you're alcoholic and 'gripping on to get by' without the aid of a program ... well, I can tell you this really is the hard way to go. So besides Al-Anon, you'd probably get alot out of attending A.A. meetings too.
And this is a good place to hang out too. Welcome to the board.
Hello (((Serenity))), and welcome! So glad you found this site. I hope you are also able to find some face to face meetings in your area. It sounds like you are under a pretty heavy load. You said,
"I'm struggling with acceptance and letting go. Does this mean I just have to lay down and surrender to him."
Absolutely not! It means you accept the fact that he is an addict and that you have absolutely no control over that. It does not mean you have to accept the behaviors that accompany the addiction, that is your choice. Letting go, to me, means leaving his sobriety totally up to him. No more arguments, tears, begging, confronting, looking for bottles. I did that for years and it only caused more anger and hurt on my part, and more resentment and guilt- and therefore more reason to drink- on his. Believe me, I understand you wanting to confront him and prove yourself right. But ask yourself, what actual good would it do? Would it really make you feel better? Would it be helpful in any way?
Al-anon is all about you. When I first started, I was really disappointed at that. I didn't have a problem, HE did. What good would it do to fix ME? I wanted a program that made him stop drinking, since that was my whole problem. But I stayed with it because the way I'd been living certainly wasn't working . I was bottomed-out and had to do something. The things I've learned-on this site, at meetings, through reading- have changed everything about me. I feel calm and content (most of the time!) because I know now that regardless of the choices my AH makes, I can deal with it. Two books I would highly recommend: 'Marriage on the Rocks' by Janet Woitzit and "Getting Them Sober". I found that the more I learned about alcohol and addiction, the better off I was.
Anyway, again, glad you found us, please keep coming. And take care of YOU!
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Hi serenityseeker1, When I found out my AH relapsed on drugs it hit me hard and I went rather insane. Then I got myself to Al-Anon and I learned everything I could learn. Its baby steps and I made alot of empty threats when I was still struggling to accept that its a disease, when I thought he could do it with his will power, when I thought if he loved me enough he would... Over time I learned that he definitely does love me with all of his beautiful heart and soul but he was completely wrapped in his addiction and while using thats all that really matters.. I mean I still mattered but he had to get high first before he could worry about me, or him, or us, or his business.. or anything really. That is not the man I fell in love with and married but that is the reality of the disease known as addiction and alcoholism and my AH has it bad. He will always be an addict/alcoholic and its up to him to find his serenity and to work his program and find sobriety.. what I learned in Al-Anon, however, is that there is a HP who will help me if I just put my arms out and ask for it. I learned that attitude is everything and I can actually chose to be positive and happy whether my AH is out drinking or drugging or not. I learned all the beauty that is inside of myself and I learned to humbly let go of the qualities that no longer were useful to me like attempting to control things i cannot.. which is everything... but myself. I think you will find that you will benefit from Al-Anon, or if youre an alcohlic, AA then.. we work the same steps and you could prob be involved in both programs, some meetings have childcare. It truly does work ... if you work it. My support is headed your way. You came to the right place to seek help... you could have dwelled on it, you could have drank, you could have given up.. but you came here and this is a start. F2f meetings and al-anon literature have saved my life... and my HP led me in that direction so I owe it all to HP.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Thank you so much for all your feedback. Wow so much to reflect on. It feels good to know that I am not alone and that I can relate and learn from others that have also been in or are in my shoes. I have got to this place where I have stopped and looked reality in the face (or rather it has out of nowhere came and smacked me straight in the face). And I really feel I have to do something for myself because I can't continue living like this crazy woman that is just living on nervous energy each day. I have taken a step back and it seems the only other ways to deal with this is to either go insane or drink and I never want to go back. Its like I'm very angry as it feels like the man I met and fell in love with has dissapeared and I'm left with someone I don't really recognise or even like that much. I miss him so much and he is no longer half the man I met. Thankyou very much denise for you letting me know about those books, I will look them up to see how I can order them. I have no idea what is going to happen next but I do know that I'm done trying to control it. So I am now more than willing to learn another way and to move forward. It gives me such hope reading others esh. So thankyou. I just have a question, how do I get started on this program?, unfortunatly at the moment I can't get to any f2f meetings as the nearest ones that I have looked up are in the evening, and both my children are under the age of 2. And I can't seem to get into any online meetings as my phone does not support what is needed to download??? So I'm not to sure where to go from here in order for me to start working on these steps. Many many thanks for being here and sharing with me, is very much appreciated.
glad you are here. I did plenty of checking, obsessing and complaining. When I stopped doing that I had to have other tools to get through. Al anon can help you irregardless of where you are in AA or any other program. No one is going to mandate anything for you here. We are a program of support and suggestions not absolutes.
I am glad you are looking to change your behavior because obsessing and checking up on someone all the time is very debilitating. Get the book Getting them Sober if you have a chance.
Glad you are here. Check out the chat room and meetings here if you have time.
