The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 16-year-old son was about to return home for his first visit from his residential treatment center (RTC). It had been a very long and difficult road for him. Like a bucking bronco, he fought every bit of the way. And continues.
His defiance, like with most addicts, can best be summed up by Henny Youngman's classic joke about the guy who says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this."
The doctor replies, "Then don't do that."
The "normal" thinker understands there are consequences to negative actions, so they stop. Addicts don't generally concern themselves with such trivial issues.
Children end up at RTCs because they weren't able to follow the rules of their home, school, and/or society. Once at the RTC, kids must follow rules in order to move forward through the program, which allows them more responsibilities and a less restrictive way of life. That includes off campus visits and the ultimate grand prize: a home visit.
Most children have their first home visit after about three or four months. My son's fist visit was after more than one year.
I had already visited him many times at his out-of-state RTC. The overall visits were... horrible. And those were the good visits. Imagine a convict who had been unjustly sent to prison because of faulty testimony from one person. That pretty much sums up my son's feelings toward me and the reason he was sent to an RTC.
In hearing him tell it, he "smoked one joint and barely missed one class."
For any parent who knows the years and the process that it takes to get a city, county, state, school, school district, and various mental health departments to not only approve, but also pay for a child to go to a residential treatment center, "one joint" and a "missed class" is laughable. [To this day, more than five years later, my son still stands by his version.]
When the time arrived for my son to come home, I was not overjoyed. I knew the reality of where he was emotionally and his recent behavioral problems at the RTC. I also knew he was cleaver enough to play the game to get what he wants. However, he followed the rules enough to get a home visit, so I wasn't going to stand in his way.
The purpose of the home visit was to reestablish a relationship between my son and our family. It was not to create a reunion between him and his drug abusing friends, or to celebrate his "year behind bars." Dinners out at the finest restaurants, Disneyland, and filmathons were not on the schedule. With that in mind, and together with his RTC therapist, we outlined rules for his home visit:
Abide by the rules of the home.
No Internet.
No phone.
No leaving the house.
No friends visiting.
No drugs.
No alcohol.
Pretty simple. And he signed a contract (I write jokingly).
I picked him up from the airport and brought him home.
I don't have a child on drugs or alcohol, and if I did, I would hope that I would be able to display the strength and wisdom you have.
If the young man doesn't come around, it certainly won't be because his father was enabling him.
I had one clue about alcoholism when I finally realized that my husband was an alcoholic: Do not enable. And I didn't. And he got dry. He hasn't ever gotten into recovery, except for a few months years later when my counsellor coerced him into going to AA for awhile.
And I thank God even through the dry drunks and the occasional half a deck craziness that I have never lived with a drinking alcoholic from that day forward. There is a difference.
It was his decision to make, and he knew it was on him. I didn't even have to spell that out for him. It was as simple as "I can't protect you from the consequences."
I said, "I need to know if you are going to continue to drink, because I need to plan my life." And I was totally clear in my mind about that--no confusion. I did not know where I would go, or if he would have to go, how I would manage, but I knew I would not be living with him if he drank
And he has said that he'd be dead if it weren't for me. He'd be dead if he and his HP hadn't made a very good decision for him that day. If I helped to focus his mind, thank God for that
I hope your son makes that good decision. And thank God that you are taking care of you and your wife and your other child in any case. The little ones must be protected--from whomever.
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I LOVED this. I cannot wait to read what happens next. You have done an excellent job with setting boundaries. That is NOT something easy to do and it does go against that natural parental instinct of trying to "save" the child. Hopefully this will be passed around to other parents of drug addicted teens. Even parents that have older children that are "adults" could benefit from this read. Thank you so much for sharing.
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~*~Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change~*~
