The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Aloha family...just gonna put out some thoughts and feelings I'm having at the moment. I'm edgy and anxious. Tomorrow starts the beginning of the "courting" dances I will be going thru until the problem with the police assault is done. I've been left alone with my thoughts and also have had the thoughts and feelings and experiences of lots of others all around me.
My PTSD depression was acting up this early afternoon and HP sent me a person from my past (which includes altercations with the police...he was the partner of one in the far past) and we talked at length. He was very reassuring and then life has no guarantees. I just worked up an ad for the local paper looking for witnesses to the event and then didn't submit it because procrastination due to finances and the affect this has had on my spouse shut me down. Lack of faith??? maybe faith and bucks. I've been inventoring my history with power and control people including when I came into recovery and keep reviewing my "oppositional defiant" stance and character then that cause me to grow so slowly in recovery. The whole oppositional/defiant characteristic is still well defined. When I think I'm right I will take the bullet...almost literally. I've been that way for a long long time. I don't back down or off especially if what is opressing me wears a uniform and is para-military. I'm convinced even toward sacraficing my own safety. A man of principles? I'm not clear on that. I am clear on being willing to take risks to win the battle. Even saying that makes my head light. I'm not so much a power and control person as I am a defender of my position, my abilities, my freedom and yes rights if in deed I have any of those. So...I start in one court tomorrow and then another on Tuesday...I have not gotten use to calling and reporting in to the county bond office. The depression hits from several angles...the PTSD because being born and raised in alcoholism from both sides of my original family there was tons of abuse and also the anger turned on myself by myself for not keeping myself free from harm. That one I just don't like at all. I don't like not knowing what's gonna happen like everyone else here. I want my HP to do something, anything else so that my spirit is put at ease and then I'm one half of the equation as to how my HP got into this at all.
I'm not a good thinker (lacking sanity) when I'm in reaction. I'm attention deficit anyway so I see life in smaller fleeting puzzle pieces naturally. That can add up to survival skills and then still while it is happening my quality of sanity and serenity suffers alot...Thank God for God. There are sizable gaps between puzzle pieces so I just gotta have patience in order for all of the pieces to come together and show me the whole picture. I liked it better when I was just a street person...street fighter and didn't have to think at all...just do my thing when I thought my thing to do was appropriate. Thinking sucked and now years later I'm still not that good at it...Still people like me, and there are tons and tons of mes' have very good survival skills.
I'm working on a plan and prayers and honing my program to keep the Dr. Jekyll in me on vacation or locked in his cell. I need to keep my program personality and character and behaviors out front. I need that and the people who will be participating need that too. When I checked into Al-Anon and then counseling I had a dual personality and my counselors and my HP have worked (me too) very dilligently to help me define it and voluntarily give it up. Actually we have only succeeded at putting him on vacation yet the more anxious I feel the more visual he becomes. I am turning him over to my HP as I did my alcoholics and addicts. He is the violent person in my past.
So honestly...I'm shakey and more honestly that means I'm fearful without knowing any part of the picture or the outcome. I'm grateful for LostMama's posts and the responses she got. Her alcoholic appears just like my other self.
You all pray all the time so if and when you can...nothing special...just put my name on the list if it isn't already there yet. I need serenity and understanding, patience and faith...most of all LOVE.
Dear God, please grant Jerry the serenity, to accept the things he cannot change; the courage to change the things he can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I hear you. Please remember that this difficult road can be walked One moment, One minute, One Day at a Time.
I know that you will continue to ask HP for the courage, serenity and wisdom that you need . Remember that : This too shall pass.
You have a very strong program and powerful tools. I know you will turn your Fear (false evidence appearing real )over to HP , I will include you in my prayer chain tonight.
PS My family always told me I had a dual personality-- they jokingly referred it to The "Good Twin" or the Bad Twin being present!!
You are not alone
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 19th of December 2011 02:11:09 PM
You have my prayers for wisdom, courage, patience, and love.
I'm hoping you will have someone with you or at least call them in the morning. I'm sure you know that your HP is with you- plug in, connect, and keep your eye on your goal. Respectfully, I would like to think that an opportunity presents itself that will allow you to be safe and also allow for your point to not be lost.
In yoga, we discuss the Indian goddess Kali- a force to be reckoned with, who's outward appearance is foreboding- snakes for hair, long red tongue lolling out of her mouth, several arms... but she is perceived as beautiful. Kali symbolizes/ embodies enlightenment- and promises the sweetest rewards after walking through the most challenging of times. I found this concept comforting as I can relate to how good things can be rebuilt from the rubble. This visual helps me when things seem to be falling apart.
When anxiety creeps in, I forget to breathe, so I need to remind myself to take in some deep breaths and imagine HP and goodness entering in and exhaling the uncomfortable feelings... something I find I need to practice routinely.
you have posted on my shares and made my day brighter so many times, Jerry. If you're completely lost, please know, you've encouraged and helped me. Mahalo,
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Your thoughts and comments on this board have always been an inspiration to me.
I will be praying for you, I understand the shaking (lack of faith) and depression.
I had always been a supporter of our police with the understanding of how difficult their job can be, but over the last decade I have seen a change in how many of them do their job and have seen just out right brutality, and as you say, I have seen a shift to a more para military type mode. I do not like this trend. The pepper spaying of peaceful protesters is just one example that I have seen more recently.
Sometimes I remind myself of the quote from A Course in Miracles: I Am Never Upset for the Reason I Think I Am.
When this first came up, I was musing on men's minds and how different they are from ours. I wondered what would men be fighting about if we went back a thousand years? A special conch shell? A glyph on a rock?
I know for me, I want the man in my life to take care of himself, so he'll live as long as I do.
And I would miss you terribly if you weren't on here.
Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
This may be totally out of left field, but Jerry, I wonder what would happen if you regarded the policeman you dealt with as an alcoholic. Sometimes I think that detaching from the craziness of the world is like detaching from the craziness of the alcoholic. It's true that it's harder to get away from policemen... but I wonder if craziness isn't all the same at heart. Sometimes I try to look at it that way and it doesn't always change them but sometimes it changes me.
My brother from another mother, :) I will be praying for you and the police situation as a whole. Please keep us updated and as you work your program know you are fully supported emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am sending mental telepathy to dragonflies on the island ~!~ May they find you, flit & surround you and even bop you on the head as they offer you my support, love, courage and strengths...along with lot's o' luck.
~!~
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
"Never let yourselves fear anybody or anything. No fear of My failing you. No fear that your faith will fail you. No fear of poverty or lonliness. No fear of not knowing the way. No fear of others. No fear of their misunderstanding.
But this casting out of fear is the result of a perfect love of Me. Speak to Me about everything. Listen to Me at all times. Feel My tender nearness, substituting at once some thought of Me for the fear." (God Calling)
Sending love and light for serenity, understanding, patience, faith and love for all involved, all in Divine Order. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
(((Jerry))), you're already in my prayers, so I'll send some positive thoughts and good vibrations! Best of luck, keep HP with you, and remember-whatever happens, you'll be OK.
All your self-introspection is good Jerry....but also remember keep it simple. You got treated wrong. Not sure if you are on trial here or they are for brutality. Sounds like it's you for resisting arrest... Anyhow, you know what happened. You didn't hurt anybody Jerry. Prayers for you.
