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My AH relapsed last night - he is not home and has been gone all night. I knew it was going to happen and did OK yesterday, spent a great day and night with the kids. AH tried to called twice and I could tell he was drinking. The first time I told him I couldn't talk bc I was getting the kids to bed. The 2nd call came around midnight and I was kind of rude but got off the phone real quick.
The truth is my head knows this is part of his disease and I can't be mad at him. But when I look honestly at the situation I hate this life I have. An absent spouse that shuns his responsibilites and provides very little in the way of comfort and love to me. Times like this I think I just want to separate from him. But I don't know if that is the answer for me yet. He keeps telling me he is trying to get better but his actions do not follow this.
For today, I also worry how I will react today when he comes homes. I so struggle with this. To detach w/love, do I act like I'm happy he does this? To me that is a betrayal to myself. I am not happy he does this of course. I feel like I should be somewhat honest with him. But is that just pointless. I feel like saying "I'm not mad but I don't know how much longer I can live this this..." but that seems pointlless and kind of like an empty threat right now as I've not a well-thought out plan to separate from him. And am I just trying to control him, it seems like my separation thoughts hinge on his drinking levels, so is that a weapon I'm using to deal with the drinking rather than focus on myself?? I'm still at a point where if I feel something about a situation I feel the need to discuss it with him, is this something I need to change about myself?
Hi there. Your awareness sounds right on. This disease is baffling for sure. The 3 C's come to mind ~ You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. When I use my dettachment I don't have too not be true to myself, I just don't get into deep conversations with someone that has been drinking, I don't talk to walls either. When someone would be trying to provoke me I would leave the room and find something to do with myself, if I was foillowed around the house I would go to bed or get out for a walk if able to. I would only have discussions when my A was sober and not argue or try to push my point onto him. I would listen and hear him and say maybe you are right or I hear you when he would say the same things over and over again. You know the answers to your questions, because you answered them. Trust your inner voice, it sounds like you are headed towards growing through this. I hope you are able to get to Al-anon meetings and read some Al-anon literature like the daily readers and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am so sorry that relapse has visited your home . It is indeed painful to experience. Alanon suggests that we do not REACT to the drinking and threaten and cry and argue over the situation.
We are asked to detach and RESPOND to the situation in a constructive manner. You can certainly express you sadness and loss
Just as you did in your post You can state your truth You are sad that you have an absent spouse who provides little in the way of love and support to you emotionally. Stating that is being true to yourself and not whitewashing and pretending. Just like at a meeting making that statement is enough. You do not need to continue to argue and force a solution.
I just wanted to send you healing and support during this difficult time for you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow. I can absolutely relate to your entire post. All of it. Can you get to a face to face meeting? I find the humanity of the meetings take me out of myself for a while and that offers some relief. It is confusing and I, also, find the "day after" as difficult as the night before when the drinking was happening. My sponser suggested it was ok for me to calmly state one time that his drinking bothered if I just couldn't get past my feelings and it was obvious to my spouse that I was troubled by what was happening. It is calmly and quiety stating a fact, a natural consequense of the drinking. I make sure my motivation isn't to change him or make him feel bad or guilty, but to just offer relief to myself by sharing for a quiet moment what I am feeling, and the I move on. Hope this helps, and i am offering you a tremendous amount of support this morning.
I am so sorry that relapse has visited your home . It is indeed painful to experience. Alanon suggests that we do not REACT to the drinking and threaten and cry and argue over the situation.
We are asked to detach and RESPOND to the situation in a constructive manner. You can certainly express you sadness and loss
Just as you did in your post You can state your truth You are sad that you have an absent spouse who provides little in the way of love and support to you emotionally. Stating that is being true to yourself and not whitewashing and pretending. Just like at a meeting making that statement is enough. You do not need to continue to argue and force a solution.
You are doing well Keep taking care of you.
This is beautiful feedback.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I view a "correct" or "well-done" attachment as one where I have not taken his stuff on; one where his luggage remains on his side of the street. (Yes, I need to actually visualize myself on one side of the street, two yellow lines marking the boundaries, then his side of the street with heavy luggage that would be too daunting for me to move to my side of the street.
I'll have acknowledged what happened and the feelings (fear, anger, hurt, etc) it stirs from a safe vantage point so that I don't feel that I'm "in it" with him. I've noticed that often some of my first thoughts are , "wow, he's alive!".
What I might say to my exAH and what you might say to your AH could be very different things. My exAH is so bitter , angry, and mean that if I show vulnerability, he'll move in for the kill. Under other circumstances, I would like to let him know that I was worried and am glad he's ok.
I have been right where you are. Every time he relapses it gets easier for me to cope, I think. I can hope there is no next time but I also can think about how to handle it if there happens to be. Writing it out on here is the first great choice you made. Its so good to get it off your chest. The ESH you'll receive should at least comfort you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I Have worked very hard on detaching with love from my AH. It is hard to not internalize his pain and not take on his choices as my own and carry the weight around on my back but I am getting better and better at reminding myself that we are two separate bodies, with separate souls, who make their own choices. I remember it has nothing to do with me and then I can focus on myself and what is best at the moment. It really is possible to detach in love..i feel I have more love, unconditional love, because I am not loving him as a reflection of what I want but rather just as he is. and taking him as he comes, one day at a time. That being said stating your feelings to him when he is sober, in my opinion, is absolutely necessary and appropriate. I would state them just as the facts without expectation. I have given many empty promises and threats and none have been beneficial.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
One of the most powerful things I have heard in recovery was when a friends husb relapsed , she managed to keep herself in check when he arrived home , he looked at her waiting for the tears , the fight the silent treatment ,the how could you do this to us ? Instead she took his hand and simply said I am sorry you have to keep hurting yourself like this and walked away. ( she then went to the bathroom and cried for half an hr , she said she had no idea where that statement came from but knew it felt right ) He later shared with me that he knew for the first time It was truly his problem and only he could fix it .
Do the oposite to what you normally do and it has to work out differently Louise .
