The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AS moved back into our house after 6 months of TX, he hasn't lived with us of 3 yrs. I failed by not setting boundries , our th house rules, what ever you want to call it before he moved back home. There are a few things that have came to our attention and now I am backed into a corner and heed to communicate the "house rules". The problem I am having is I don't know what the consequences should be, my husband says he wouldn't be welcome here. I don't know if I can do that. I don't have anyother answers but I cry every time I think of it. The rules are simple. No stealing (which he already has from us) no being under the influence in front of us.. And clean up after yourself. Not to tough right? But if the stealing has started what do I do. Does anyone have any boundries that they have set for their adult children?
I guess it's important to communicate you are there to help him whenever he chooses to help himself. When you observe he is not helping himself, you are then only helping him to do bad. Hence - You can tell him how much you love him and want to help, but the boundaries fall into place naturally around him doing things that are hurtful to himself and the family.
You do not need to feel guilty for not helping a person who wont help themself. When I was really ready for recovery, all I really needed was a little help from my parents to get started on my own and I relied on the fellowship of AA for the rest (tons of meetings, sponsor, stepwork)....
I try and make boundaries about me. What is ok and not for me without trying to control someone else. So I tend to think of them as promises to me. (Thanks for the MIP boards for this!!)
This is me, I don't have to stay in conversations that are verbally abusive. I don't have to rationalize with an irrational person. I don't have to feel afraid in my own home. So I can take steps to ensure that those things aren't going on, be it I leave the conversation, walk away by saying "you might be right", or taking more definitive moves to ensure I don't feel afraid in my own home. Some of these are because of my past coloring my present, it's really giving me permission to say ok .. this isn't ok with me. I have a ton more however these are the ones I thought of as I read your post.
As far as if your child should stay in your home or not, that is a decision only you and your husband can make. I do encourage you to bring up this issue at your meetings because you would be surprised on what others have to say about it. I would also encourage you to keep in mind that you guys really need to be on the same page and in the same place or it's going to be a lot of strain. That's what I've heard and that's what I've seen not through my own situation just dealing with kids in general.
There's nothing to be said he broke your boundary what was the consequence? Did you say what you meant at the time or was it under the guise of oh I'll never really have to do this kind of thing. That's then on you to decide do you really mean what you say and what kind of deal. However be aware the message you are sending IS I really don't mean what I say and all of those other boundaries will fall like domino's.
My kids know at the ages of 7 and 12, there are direct consequences for their actions if they are good or bad it's on them and the choices they make. If they get a bad grade then they need to decide do they ask for help OR pay closer attention to what's going on in order to get that grade they want and deserve. We support them how we can, however if they aren't studying (I'm thinking of the older more than the younger) then it's a natural consequence the grades are not going to be good. If they do the work and get a good grade as a result of it then they know ... it's because of the effort they put in to get the grade. I just use that as an example. That's just life .. we do more harm than good when we interfere in natural consequences for our kids there is cause and effect law out there that no one gets to get out of, not even us as grown up's.
Hugs P :)
PS - It IS hard and it IS scary when this disease effects those we love. Sometimes the hardest choices lead to the best rewards, it can also lead to some painful realities. Canadianguy recently posted a story that you should read in another thread. I wish I could link it for some reason on this board it never works for me!!
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Boundaries are for you what you will accept and what u will not ,the hard part is sticking to them . It is your home you have a right to not have alcohol in it and as far as the stealing goes wel that would be a done deal for me .. Our lives have revloved around this disease for way too long and there comes a time when we make a decission NO MORE !!! good luck Louise
I made it non-personal with my alcoholic/addict son back in the past by telling him I would not allow anyone in my home to drink/use/lie/cheat/steal etc. Anyone who did that in my house would be told to go. He went and we are okay after the years since that he has learned in. Now he is practicing somewhat of the same with his son...cool. ((((hugs))))
I found boundaries really hard when I first started setting them. I had to persist and re evaluate all the time. This is a great forum for you to be talking about this. Get the book Getting them Sober. Expectations are everything in working around an alcoholic. The more realistic they are the stronger the boundary.
