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Ok-I'm pretty sure my AH who had been sober and going to meetings for the last month after another relaspe was drinking yesterday. In the past I have either ignored or confronted-both unsuccessful-from reading this board it appears I should act like nothing has happened-but to me that feels like denial or lying on my part. Words of Wisdom please.
I totally understand your feelings. I had them too. Can you get to a meeting? Talking and hearing other members along with the literature (the welcome packet especially) explained to me why detatchment works. A year later, it no longer feels to me like lying or denial, but taking care of myself and allowing my AH the dignity to make his own choices and work through his own consequenses. He still drinks, and it is still challenging sometimes, but the way I was handling it before learning and practicing detatchment (it takes continued practice toward progress) was only making me and him miserable. Hope this helps!
There is a great book called Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew (or Toby Drew Rice .. lol .. it's early and coffee has not kicked in!!), it has some great tools for dealing with active addiction.
The reality is there is always a possibility they can and will relapse. What an addictions counselor shared with me it's more important that the addict be able to recognize the slip and use the tools they have learned in AA (which are similar to ours, call your sponsor get to a meeting) and get back up on the old sobriety horse. It's not about them falling off it's about how they cope with the after effects.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Changing attitudes and responses do take a long time and I too felt that I was being dishonest not addressing the drinking. My sponsor pointed out that My Behavior (my reaction) pointing out the drinking and going on to argue the issue was not appropriate and that minding my own business was the healthy response.
I had many Unhealthy attitudes that needed to be changed with the tools of this program. When I "Felt" something that I was asked to do in this program was "wrong" I tried to remember: Feelings are not Facts.
I was asked to check my motives before starting any conversation and if my motives were healthy I could say what I Mean and Mean with I say without saying it mean This is a powerful tool
There is a quote in the Courage to Change that states:
I, too, understand where you are coming from. I felt that same way for years until I began reading and attending meetings.
Not adressing their drinking in any fashion isn't denial to me anymore. It's applying the knowing that bringing up their drinking in any fashion to them is not helping anyone.
In fact, it appeared to fuel my alcoholic's drinking more most of the time.
As hotrod suggested, it's always good to check your motive(s) before responding.
May you find peace.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
You are definitely NOT in denial. Can you get to a f2f meeting? If not put your nose in an Al-Anon book, and remember that you are worth doing something nice for yourself. His choices are his choices and his consequences will be his as well. But you can make today a great day for yourself no matter what he chooses to do. ((tired of trying)) Support your way.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Thanks all-my hardest thing is how do I act towards him without being fake? any mantra I can use-I'm thinking he's talking to me and it is so obviously alcohol fuel and he is pretending-I don't want to be pretending too- I've got the book-guess I need to keep reading, haven't found a lot I could relate to YET-but of course he was sober when I started.
I just used to say, very calmly and mildly, "I'll talk to you when you're sober." That would get him rolling his eyes and slamming doors at how "unreasonable" and "paranoid" I was. And I definitely didn't want to get into an argument, because it's not as if I was going to win an argument with an alcoholic. But for me, that spoke the truth. I didn't want to pretend it wasn't happening when it was right there. And I didn't want to talk to him when he was drunk. He wasn't making sense and he wouldn't remember it afterwards, so what's the use? So I called it like I saw it. But everyone's situation is different and a different thing might be the answer for you.
I'm cross talking sorry, however what Mattie said has always always always rang true to me. I don't engage or confront, it was my option to walk away. Provided I'm not repeating or badgering and my motives are clean then it's on me to do what is in my best interests. I always say I came to alanon to remember what I paid for in therapy .. lol .. however in dealing with my MIL (mom) and FIL (s/dad), i hung the phone up saying nicely and clearly, please call back when you feel better.
I wasn't listening to a drunk rant at 2am. It worked as well in that situation as no one else had ever said anything about their behavior in a nice way. It was on them.
Hugs it does get better just remember you are supported and you have many people through meetings and through the site who have been where you are at. You already know what is not going to work.
Hugs again, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I too, struggled with how to act when one of the A's close to me relapsed. Confronting certainly didn't work, especially when the other person was drunk. I felt like by saying nothing, I was letting them get away with something. I didn't want them to think I didn't know. But in my own recovery, I discovered that during a relapse, the person that's drinking/drugging/whatever it is didn't "get away with" anything. They know they relapsed. They know everyone else knows they relapsed. They already feel guilty and bad. What good is me putting it out there that I'm aware of it? It just makes the already negative feelings the other person has worse. And what will it accomplish even if I put it out there? Telling someone I know they're drinking never worked to get anyone sober. I certainly tried that many times. At bottom, in my own recovery I decided that if it's not productive to say something, I won't bother saying it. I'm not the other person's higher power and they don't answer to me. I may not agree with the other person's choices, but I have to accept that they are simply not my choices to make. Other people don't have to act in ways that I like or approve of...they get to act however they want. I get to decide what I'm going to do. If one of the A's in my life relapses and I don't like being around that person when he or she is drunk, I get to make the choice to not be around the person. Focusing the attention on the choices I do have and the things I can control helped me get better.
Keep coming back!
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Saturday 17th of December 2011 03:37:21 PM
Hi TT, You have gotten all excellent replies. You don't engage in his behavior. You are not denying anything. You know what is happening. You simply are not making a deal out of it. What is there to say? Why go down that road?
And White Rabbit has excellent point in saying that we use this in all parts of our lives. It is part of not being argumentative and respecting other people's choices while allowing ourselves to make our own choices. We run our own lives. We don't run anyone else's life.
Aloha TT...what you've been offered here is also what I was taught...even in some of the language that was used to teach me so what was left for me was to practice...practice...practice...get down into my shoes and do it like they did it inside the face to face meetings. It didn't come over night and I learned that no matter how I did it each time I was doing it the best I could with what I had and then I arrived at inventorying my behavior with "hey that worked pretty darn well" and neither of us has a bruise or sour face on.
Don't second guess what or how you do it...do the best you can and then inventory it...did it come out okay...if it happens again could you do it different? Sponsors and the face to face meetings are great for this kind of changing. "We are not perfect"..."If we keep and open mind we will find help" including the other offerings you have been give here.
You go girl...be good to yourself and remember the 3 Cs. (((hugs)))
