The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Michelle posted about relapse. Last night I tried to walk away and I was in the car and he absolutely would not let me leave.
Yesterday was such a great day, I worked a 1/2 day then met my parents for lunch. I was able to get to the Tag office to change the registration on my car (6months later) and then got a text from my AH about going with him to get new shoes for work since his now have a hole in them.
I texted back that I felt like this could happen if we could meet back at the house, I got a run in and showered and ready so we could go to the store for shoes. Then he had an appointment at 6 and I had a church thing at 6:30. He had asked me what time I would be home, then said between 9-10 and I said yes, because I never know how long these ladies events will go. Last night was special because there was a dessert reception at 6:30 then the main monthly event.
He had stated he would not be fixing food. Church is about 7-10 minutes from our house. I left church and didn't text that I was on my way home. While driving home he texted was I ok. I didn't get the text until after I was already home b/c the phone was on vibrate in my purse. I got home at 9:20 the same time that I got his message.
I walked in and I was so happy, the message had been amazing, I had met new people. It's always intimidating to go because I only started attending this church when we got married. So I had met people and heard an awesome word and I walked in to the living room and said thank you so much for letting me go, it was so awesome.
THEN HE STARTED IN ON ME. HE SAID CHURCH DOESN'T LAST 3 HOURS AND THERE IS NO WAY YOU WERE AT CHURCH THIS WHOLE TIME AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING.
I put JB in his carry crate and said I will see you in the morning. Except he chased me out to the car and stood at my door so I couldn't close it. I screamed at him. I was so livid. I told him I am so tired of walking on egg shells when I get home because I never know what I say will result in ugliness. I'm so tired of always having to gauge his mood. I kept trying to shut the door and he kept staying in the way so he probably has bruises on his shoulder.
I got home the night before and he'd left sweet mini post it notes in random places that I'm still finding saying that he loves me and different sweet thoughts. Yet his attitude towards me was still surly.
Last night I kept stating that he could talk to me about this when he was sober. As much as I was trying to apply what I know I was so furious. I was at church and I'm being accused of cheating on him because I sent text messages to my cousin and the dog trainer.
I finally gave up and went inside. I sat out on the porch with him for a minute. I told him that I had had a wonderful evening for which I was so thankful that he had agreed to me going and then I got home and wanted to share the message and instead I received the treatment that I did. He said I could still share with him and I said no that I was going to bed. I put JB back in his crate and went to bed.
He exiled himself to the couch. This morning I stated that he was the one who did that I did not send him there. I told him that he states that he loves me but more often then not he does things that he says he does in love and in actuality he's trying to control me. I told him that he has a right to be upset and angry but when he starts in on me regarding something that is not true then it leads me to believe that he is talking to someone or doing something that he should not be doing. I pointed out that he is constantly on his phone and I don't question him but heaven forbid that I text my cousin or the dog trainer.
I can't email my girlfriends this story. I'm tired of telling them these stories because the obvious answer is just leave. Except I know that's not what I'm supposed to do right now. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm right where God wants me to be.
It's just hard to deal with nights like last night. It's hard to have this wonderful day and evening only to come home and have ugliness thrown at me.
I know that this disease is baffling, cunning, and HORRIBLE. I know that it's progress not perfection. I know that he's going to drink and we're going to have nights like last night. I know that I have to apply the principles and program. Today I just needed to write it out so I could let go of it.
Jackie, so sorry, you are not alone here and no one will tell you to leave, unless it is what you want. I know exactly how you feel, my AH behaves the same way, one minute love letters and cards about how I'm the best wife in the world, the next hour he is surly and angry and telling me I am the root of all his problems. It makes no sense. Insanity makes no sense. Just last night after my AH tried to put together a Christmas gift he bought me, a lamp, and it wasn't going together easily and he screamed at me and basically turned the whole thing into a bad thing instead of a happy thing. I sooooo get how you feel, just remember it isn't about you, his brain is damaged. The more I live with this disease the more and more I realize it is a disease of selfishness and anger. Be kind to yourself today, do something that makes you happy, for me this morning it was simply drinking my coffee at my desk at work. You are a warrior and are stronger in the face of this than most people could ever be, feel good about yourself. Love and hugs! sg
I'm so sorry you had such a difficult night. It really sounds like you handled it the best you could and did your best to stay out of the way of the ugliness. I, too, have been relieved by the decision to keep my sharing exclusive for people who can really understand without giving well meaning, but often destructive advice, and I also feel like being in my marriage is where I am supposed to be, even if it doesn't make sense to others. Keep up the good work. Glad you are here! Sending you lots of support as you make your way through it.
Sad. In some ways he sounds like a caring and sweet person but that disease is really getting in the way of who God meant for him to be. I dunno what else to say Jackie except that I do recognize what a difficult spot you are in. Sounds like he's not 100 percent jerk/user/drunk all the time and you get glimpses of what he "should" be like if he could sober up. Frustrating. In the meanwhile certain behaviors do become unacceptable...
My husband has acted a fool many times right after church. It helps to remember that you are getting strength and spiritual food everytime you go into Gods house, to deal with situations such as this. Remember also, that the enemy is going to come at you the hardest when you are on the right path.
"For today I will forgive. For this hour I will focus on my work. For today I will show kindness towards all those that I come in contact with." This is often how I live my life. I truly have learned to stay in the moment, in the today.. and though today is a good day and I cant bank on tomorrow I will just be grateful for right here and now. worry is futile
as for what you went through, i know it must have been very hard for you and of course you may have lost your serenity... i.e. my post relapsed.. hahah. but remember you are not alone in all this.. everyone who responded can relate in some way or another... and I know EXACTLY what you mean about people saying you should leave. .. only you can make such that decision or not.. and no one knows you two behind closed doors.. no one can judge because no one is YOU. and YOU are marvelous!!!
Hold your head up and you're doing the right thing focusing on the moment. I know you wrote that yesterday but you focused on your work and acted in kindness.. I'm so proud of you.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
