Bad day getting worse - Al-Anon Family Group

debbiems · Veteran Member

Bad day getting worse

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

In my view there are many possible right answers and only you will know which one is right for your situation. If I were going to decide not to pick him up (whether that's the right decision would depend on your circumstances), I think I'd give him a heads-up beforehand -- "I won't be able to pick you up later so if you want to come back late, do catch a ride with someone, I'll have my phone off" -- or "As you know, I'm not participating in the drinking thing, so do find a ride back on your own or stay over, your choice, of course" -- or whatever suits you (if that's your decision). I know the temptation to just shut the phone off with no warning -- that's what I have done, certainly -- my angry, even passive-aggressive side coming out -- because being outwardly aggressive is too scary, but it's hard not to be angry. Anyway, my experience is that it led to further drama and to worry on my part. Take what you like and leave the rest! Hugs.

Bargee · Veteran Member

debbiems, I know the feeling of not knowing whether to turn your phone off or not. I often have this feeling with my Husband. I never can decide what to do and as much as I HATE the smell of him, the way he behaves towards etc when he does eventually get home, and usually when he does I am beside myself with anger, I do feel better knowing he is home, even though at the time I can't recognise or feel that feeling. I guess at least I know he is safe.

Anyway I think I agree with Mattie about maybe letting your son know, but I too get so angry and sometimes want to 'teach' my husband a 'lesson' and at the moment that is exactly how I feel as he has gone out drinking tonight. Leaving me at home with no food or money for tea and not even waiting till I got home from work to see me before he left. But on the other hand I know that all it will do is make him angrier than what he all ready becomes when drunk, so in the end I'll just cope it even worse tonight. He's not physically abusive, just emotionally and it takes it toll.

So anyway I started out trying to give you advice and it kind of turned into a rant. Sorry about that.

Ummm I think I'd leave my phone on, but only because then I would know he was safe.

Anyway what ever you decide, be brave, be strong and hang in there.

My thoughts are with you.

debbiems · Veteran Member

An update, I did go get my son, he called at 10 pm and asked me to pick him up. My husband was not happy with me at all for choosing to do this.

We are going to go over some boundries today together and hopefully come up with what will work for us and then talk with our son. I know that I need to beable to detach somehow, I just dont' know how. I do great with not asking him when his PO meetings are and if he is going to go to AA with us or anything like that, but the minute he "goes out" I completely loose all my senses!!! I don't want to be this crazy person so I "have" to set boundries for me

Thanks for sharing

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't remember if you are going to alanon meetings Debbie they make a HUGE difference. You don't have to go through this alone and when you feel those feelings start to happen you can pick up the phone and call someone who will listen. It's something about having someone on the line say they hear you and that you are not alone in those feelings that feel all mixed up.

If you aren't attending meetings I really encourage you to go, having a support team in place for you is just as important and it's amazing hearing what others have gone through .. what has worked cause we already know what hasn't.

In support P :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Deb...I'm with Pushka because from my experience that is what worked for me and experience is the only thing I'll share with you. Reading your post title keyed me into a solution I got inside the fellowship of Al-Anon and inside the rooms. "I can decided to change how my day is going anytime I choose..." Rocket science ESH for me that brought me out of and kept me out of volunteering for martyrdom.

Anytime you wish you can start practicing trusting your HP...turning over people, places and things you have no control over and that have control over you which result in making you sick(er). I learned that "No" was a complete sentence in the rooms of Al-Anon and was taught that the first person I practiced "No" with was myself and then right after the "No" was "No w God you have it." The program, my sponsor and my counselor all taught me to put my arms straight out...palms upward with my problems laid upon my open palms and to lift my arms and palms upward and envision my HP taking that offering and then bringing my arms and palms back to myself empty. Yes I practiced it over and over and over until it is now a usual behavior and yes I've done it in open private spaces and well as in the middle of crowded shopping malls or just anywhere. The major part of the practice early on was when my hands were up there...I opened them up and didn't grab back the problem that was killing my spirit. It worked for me and others have experiences that worked for them...sit, listen, learn, practice. Keep coming back also ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

With me, I told him to get a job, go to school, or choose to leave. He left. 22 years old. I told him I loved him. Told him to check in. He was completely clean.

I had to face he is an adult, he has to figure it out for himself. If I don't do this, he won't grow up. I knew he had a good foundation, and was smart.

People everywhere I went supported me, especially men. Many said they needed that push too.

If no one gave me the chance, I wouldn't know how to take care of me either.

There are 18 year old girls and boys who are in the service making huge decisions.

Not that I believe in that. However I saw at this age it was time for him and his friends to leave mom. Some mom and dad.

He never asked me for anything. Still doesn't at 35,neither does daughter. Both stood their ground and figured it all out well.

Yes it hurt! I wish my ex AH's mom had sent him out the door. If he could, he would go crawl back to her at age 59. I know it. AS it is he lives with one of her old friends. sick.

He can figure out how to get booze, he can figure out how to get shelter and food. There are jobs out there.

But again it is always a personal choice.

hugs,debilyn who knows how hard it is!!!

Bargee · Veteran Member

debbiems, I just wanted to say that I know completey what you mean about losing your senses!! I have every intention of 'controling' myself when but more often than not it doesn't happen. Anyway, I'm just starting here so I am still lost and have no words of wisdom. Only words of support. Be brave.

debbiems · Veteran Member

Thank you everyone for your wisdom!

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