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I am currently seperated-3 months- from my RAH. He is 3 yrs sober. Drinking-wise he's not touched it..but his hateful, resentful personality stills lingers. When he's not complaining or passing judgement upon someone or telling me what i'm doing wrong..he doesn't say anything...totally disengaged.
He resents me..saying I haven't supported him, spent time with him...etc etc..when in reality i've been there 24/7..that is why i'm in such total dismay. He's been saying he never wanted me to move out...BUT to get to move back in he has stripulations that I must agree to..i'm thinking he is a dry drunk.
I have been reading the Sober Recovery boards religiously..soooo helpful. Just wondered if anyone here can relate..I know he's not healthy for me...but he really touches on my "lil scared girl syndrome" with his words..just beats me down. But all the time claiming he's not being mean...he's allowed to express his feelings.
I know that AA tells them their feelings are important...but doesn't AA encourage the addict to treat people with mutual respect and not hurt the very ones that love you the most?
Thank you
Life can get much better for you. Truly, it can. Al-Anon is one way of taking control of your life.
I resisted the program for several decades. Now I embrace it. My life is so different; so tremendously better. And, it continues to move in the direction no matter what others are doing around me.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hugs, Sending you love and support. I agree on finding alanon to support you, even though he's not drinking it helps put in perspective what is and what is not the issue.
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can relate-after the umteenth relaspe and another episode, I got a protective order. Told my husband he could come home only if he got help. Well, he sobered up, started going to meetings and went to the Va to address PSTD. Came home after 15 days-been home 2 months and things now are just getting better. Even though he was going to meetings, he was so angry with me-acted like our past 30+ years meant nothing-bad mouthed me to everyone-the only thing negative he could seem to find was we hadn't had sex-so that is what he keeps sharing along with the fact things are so so-doesn't mention his part at all or that he has made it clear he wont come near me-like I'll call the police again if he does. I will be patient, hold my head high and the rest is up to him.
I am tired of begging this person to love me. I am going to Celebrate Recovery...3 weeks now..I'm in an Al-anon class there. And YES..that has helped tremendously and so have the boards.
Deb - I'm thinking he is probably not a "dry drunk" but a fledgeling sober person who thinks they are now an oldtimer with lots of wisdom and have inherited the common problem of Knowitallism that comes with being about 3 years sober. I am at about that point in my sobriety. I see it in myself and others who are at this point too. AA has given him lots of great tools to learn to manage his life again, but he is not able to see beyond himself and that you are not part of his program, you are free to do and act as you please, and that while he has to be governed by AA principles to live - You don't.
I could be wrong...but this is just what I know from what I'm going through and others I have seen in recovery. We can get real opinionated and that is something that lingers on for quite some time. The whole "live and let live" thing is not something that comes in the first few years of sobriety.
Yes, Debi- almost word for word have and still experience what you describe. My exAH is entirely nasty, badgers me out of the blue, "Oh, you think you know something, do you!!! You think you know something?". ... and, to Mark's point, my exAH is about 3 years in a recovery program.
"I am tired of begging this person to love me. " It was a long road for me to let go of that concept, I may still be in the process; it's an easy thing to want and expect from a husband under normal circumstances. When someone is self-loathing and so affected by disease, I imagine that whatever it is that they're giving or not giving- it's the best they can do at the time.
Hi Deb, I think Mark is on to something. ------------------------- AA has given him lots of great tools to learn to manage his life again, but he is not able to see beyond himself and that you are not part of his program, you are free to do and act as you please, and that while he has to be governed by AA principles to live - You don't. ----------------------- My hubby has been sober from alcohol for 11 years. I have no worries that he will drink again because he got throat cancer that almost killed him after he was sober for 7 years. But he has always resented me.... before he got sober and after. I think what Mark says about us NOT being part of their program hits it on the spot. My hubby has always said I was not supportive of him....although I was the one who was there every day. And at the same time he was pushing me away saying he didn't want to talk about his meetings or what he was thinking/feeling..... "You are not my sponser. I will talk to my sponser." And then he wonders why I don't even bother being interested anymore. I got tired of hitting my head against that brick wall.
And yes, he did go through his opinionated stage....still is in it. The only time I would respond is if he tried to talk AlAnon to me. I wouldn't allow myself to listen to someone who would bash AlAnon principles because he was so full of "his" wisdom.
You know, his problem could be any number of things. He could be a dry drunk, doing other drugs, still so full of fear that he resents the world, whatever. But, in Al-Anon I was taught that I don't have to figure them out. I just have to learn to take care of me and keep my own side of the street clean. I work my steps, talk to my sponsor, and set my boundaries for the way I live in the world and want to be treated.
Its just not about him, anymore. My AH has the right to do, say, and act any way he wants. I have the right to tell him that I won't be talked to/treated that way. If he chooses to be nasty, I can choose to limit contact with him. If he accuses me of anything, I do not have to defend myself by arguing or trying to reason with insanity.
I have found that when my A is really working his program honestly, his behavior is honest and I can discuss things with him reasonably. If he is full of resentment and venom, forget it. Its a waste of my time and energy. I would be fighting the disease again and it would just wear me down and that interferes with my program.
That's my experience, and a big gentle (((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))) to go with it.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
"...but doesn't AA encourage the addict to treat people with mutual respect and not hurt the very ones that love you the most? Thank you ."
Of course AA incourages that. Aloha Deb I'm a double...Al-Anon first and then years later AA. Will only explain that if you wish by PM. Just for me your Alcoholic (qualifier) is suffering from the one major emotion which AA talks about in the Big Book...Fear. I sense it in your post and I do because I went thru that myself. He's too fearful of letting go of holding others responsible for his sobriety or lack there of and being totally responsible for it himself. Poor Guy...living in a downer like that when he can choose not to is as much an addiction and obsession as alcohol is. When I was doing that I wasn't sober and got told so. I was dry and not sober. If you're deciding to have him around make sure that you have the Al-Anon Family Groups around just as close and bond, bond, bond with them.
The opposite of Fear is Love and he ain't being that which is not good for him or anyone around him. So is it much different if he was drinking? I've been around Al-Anon for a good while and have heard many members mention that the condition was more understanding and less baffling when the spouse was drinking than not. Depending on how long he drank (how many years) 3 years without alcohol might be just a drop in the bucket and too soon to see real positive spiritual change. It's okay to have mine outside of my area of influence. You get more HP time that way. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Sometimes people just aren't nice. Regardless of being drunk, sober, high, etc....although I applaud him for remaining sober, this does not give him any type of "entitlement" to treat people awful. So maybe you should look in to Al-anon groups and possibly family counseling for both of you (if you want to work out your marriage) and counseling for yourself to see why you put up with the abuse. Plus use your supports. Friends, family, and Al-anon family. :)
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~*~Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change~*~
