"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

kris10 · Senior Member

need ESH....

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I wish I knew what to say to make it go away....

recently a friend reminded me that I was moving THROUGH a bad time...and that helped me immensely...

so if you are in hell, keep going...

It really sucks that you can't protect him from his own self-destructive behavior...just no other way to say it.

what would you do for a friend who was going through this? do that same thing for YOU...you are in crisis...be gentle and kind and caring with YOU.

ESH -- K.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are Kristen but if you have them.. now is the time to hand it over.

When he had no money, and was still getting drugs and alcohol, he was ok. When he didn't come home cos he was out all night, he was ok. When he makes his choices about what he wants to do with his life, then he will be ok in those decisions.

You know that he has provided for himself when he did have a soft place to land and he chose not to utilise that soft place. Through his actions, one of his options for a place to sleep has been removed, he still has those other options that he has used before.

You packed all his stuff for him to collect so has more than what is on his back if he chooses to access it.

Take a deep breath. Let it out. Repeat.

A soft landing is not a rock bottom.

You are doing ok and you will be ok.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris.... all I can think of is to share this very true story, from a similar enough situation.... some end happy, others end the other way.... you honestly are "powerless" over others...

Tom

Our program gently guides us to allow our A's to reap the consequences of their behaviors, and that we cannot continue to offer 'soft landings' for them all the time....

I had a friend from my childhood, who became a drug addict.... he was on the street for several years, and had lied & disappointed his parents many times over.... One night, when he was around 20 years old - he called home.... he was penniless & destitute - he was still very active in his disease, but he had nowhere to sleep that night, and didn't know where else to turn..... He called his Dad, and begged him to allow him to come home.... His Dad said "no son, that is not an option. I love you, but you cannot come home", and he hung up the phone.

My friend was extremely upset at his father.... couldn't believe how callous and cold he had been.... used this anger to stay in his disease a few more weeks..... blamed his Dad for a lot of what he was doing to himself......

Fast forward about 30 years..... This friend is utterly and completely sober, for over 29 years now..... he has a wonderful wife, family, and career. His relationship with both his parents is outstanding. He shared this with his Dad a couple of years ago:

"Dad, I honestly believe that if you had allowed me to come home that night, I would be dead now. You helped me find my bottom, and I am forever grateful to you for that. That night helped me find my sobriety."

There are obviously no easy or black & white answers for any of us dealing with loved ones, who are suffering in their addiction. I share this story for some perspective here - when we make these tough decisions, we are highly unlikely to get kudos and appreciation from the addict (at the time).

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Kristen,

What Tom said was and is powerful stuff, ... sending you love and support.

Hugs P :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Kris)))))...That is alot what it sounds like when "they" are needing a fix. When I got like this I was told that I was in "my addiction" and I was until I let go and let God have me and then have her also.

Meetings, literature, sponsor, prayer and meditation...all help along with MIP.

Hugs smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I think most of us in your postion have gone thru that. It is so darn hard.

For me, what stopped me was in my head I heard,"He is not who you fell in love with anyway." So why bother?

He cannot and will not be able to give you what you need. You need that man who cared about YOU. He is no longer there. Someday, given the chance he might be.

If he came home, it could get so much worse. He already stole from you and your son. After awhile many start losing their jewelry, laptops, tools, whatever.

Plus if they ever bring someone to your home, you have them thinking about what you have they can steal too.

Yes we have to face the facts, it can go either way. I believe you know, for me, my AH, thirty years agoa, went the way we all fear. I got that call. I blamed me for over seven years. I didn't have Al Anon. I had no one I told I thought it was my fault.

Then it dawned on me no matter what he would have forgiven me.As we always forgave each other. But again it was never my fault.

I could not allow him to be in the same home with the kids. He drove drunk with them and that is why he had to leave in the first place. I hated it just like you.

In fact my stomach hurts right now thinking about it.

We have to get thru it. We do not help anyone by checking on them. Even if you knew where he was, what difference would it make? You would then wonder tomorrow.

Everytime you don't hunt him down, each of those hurts, as time goes on and you use your tools, it will become very apparent, that it would do no good to look for him.

Linda is right. He knows how to take care of himself. Shoot he even stole from your son to take care of him. We have to trust hp to take care of him one way or another. Its up to the A to figure it out.

Believe me that element has places to go crash, there are also shelters, churches, AA, places they can ask for help, soup kitchens.

Allow him the dignity to figure it out. This is a gift you have given him to work on this on his own.

What is your goal now? Do you have meetings lined up? Friends you can call or go see? Another thing too is if you go hunting for him and he finds out, which he will, he may take that as you wanting him to come back. And you know what that causes.

Its insanity kris. I even after allll this time and alll this pain think," What if the person my ex AH parasites off of dies? Where will he go? Would I take him in? That is totally insane for me to even think about it!!!

That is how strong their disease is.

Its so hard as i know you are so sick. It hurts big time. If you can, sleep helps so much.

Look at you and do for you what you need.

hugs and keep coming back please!!! love,debilyn

kris10 · Senior Member

Thanks.... I know all of you are right and in my mind I know these things as well..... But my mind keeps going BONKERS...lol So it is nice to hear these things from other people.... It is like my own "fix" to know he is ok... Or that he has a place to stay... I guess I want him to know that I care....

Most of this is soooo much harder for me with my anxiety.... I've been having panick attacks and with my agoraphobia I have it in my brain that I will loose it without him.... That I need him to function... To help me... I go back to not wanting to leave the house and panicing when I do.... Ugh I CAN'T do that again.... I have to pick my dang self up.... Wish this cold would go away to make it a little easier to get out of bed and get stuff done...... I did manage to tackle some dishes and scrub the floor good and hard today to get some negative energy......

I just love that I can come here and all of you are nice enough to be here for me without even knowing me.... Brings tears to my eyes.... With all the isolation I have done in all these years of agoraphobia I don't have that many people left to hang out with or talk to.... I really appreciate all of you!!! thanks!

tired of trying · Veteran Member

During those times-I would repeat the mantra-I can't, God can-I will let him.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are cool Kris. If you could master the anxiety enough to make it to some meetings you'd make lots of friends for sure. This is now your journey and there are plenty of things you can focus on to have a healthy and happy life now. You just took a MAJOR step in that direction. You should feel good, but you did this so you could keep improving and enjoy life EVEN MORE! You are a work in progress and growing is painful.

It's going to be okay...In fact, it will probably be better than okay.

kris10 · Senior Member

thanks pink!!! That makes me feel really good....

and thanks again everyone for all your support

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((kris))), you've received some excellent ESH here from others. I don't have much to add except this is a time to remember that he is an adult, give him the dignity of being responsible for his own actions. Yeah, I know it's easier said than done. But this too shall pass, you'll be OK. You (and son, and abf) are in my thoughts and prayers.

sookie · Senior Member

I can so relate. Thanks for this post and to everyone who replied. I will print this to read when the anxiety kicks in. Wow. Best wishes for peace, Kris!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"