The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So last night and this morning I completely lost my serenity. This morning I flipped out of my AH; yelling, telling him I hate him, wallowing in self pity over the fact that I married an addict/alcoholic, and telling him I wish I had never met him.
Am I proud? I am so ashamed. But this slip has actually shown me how far I have come. Yes, I said things I did not mean, said things that were hurtful, and let my anger get the best of me. What I realized about this and once I took a step back and had time to think about what went on I realized.. Yes, the things my husband did for a year and a half were absolutely wrong. My anger should gear toward drugs, alcohol, and the disease.. not toward him. Yes, the lying the manipulating would make anyone angry, it could torment anyone.. but because I now have a relationship in a HP to rely on and Al-Anon meetings and friends to call I can get through this.
Today, I was the one at fault.. not him. Today he did nothing wrong except maybe get a little too honest with me. I realize its best to not dig into the past, at least not right now. What is done is done and he can't go back and change anymore than I could go back and control it. Even with a time machine I wouldn' be able to prevent it, stop it, control it.. I did not cause it and I can't cure it or control it. I have accepted that. So today the one at fault, was me. And that is okay. I am only human. Thank God for God. I can pray for serenity, I can pray for strength. I can know that I can't get through times like this without God's will. It's progress not perfection. I can accpet that I messed up and I don't have to whine about it, I don't have to hide in a hole from embarrassment. I can promptly admit it, apologize whole heartedly, and focus on this moment and keep my thoughts on today.
I called my husband after I cooled off and had time to reflect back. I told him, "the things you did were wrong. I had forgiven you then and its easier for me to feel that forgiveness now even when i lose my head. Today, I was the one who was wrong. You did nothing wrong today, I did. I am sorry for the hurtful things I said to you and for deliberately trying to hurt you." My husband said all he can do if focus on making it right today and trusting in his HP to get him through things like this. I'm grateful we have both grown in the same direction. The time we had away from eachother really made up progress. Now I just need to focus on awareness that leads to acceptance. The truth he is begining to have with me if a gift. I should embrace it. I think I can only handle one truth at a time though, I cannot take it all in at once.
Everything is going to be okay. When I can rely on my HP to get me through it. If I could come this far, anyone can. It works when you work it.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
The program is all about progress not perfection look how far you have come, congrats!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't think you messed up. Most of the things he did....he probably deserves to be screamed at. Point is, doing so disrupts your serenity and it doesn't change his behavior....it's just kind of pointless....not a huge screw up.
If you put all of the negative feelings on the drugs and alcohol, you leave him completely out of the picture and he does need to be responsible and make ammends.
"It's in the past." and "It was all the drugs and alcohol" are sucky excuses.
I do like that he gave you the response of "I am doing all I can to make it right today."
I guess that makes sense, pinkchip. I think I just feel sulking in the past is so pointless especially when it causes me to miss out on a perfectly good today.. that being said, however, people get mad, people get sad, I am only human. Thanks for the responses, it means alot.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Progress not perfection! You are allowed to be human. In fact, sometimes I think our non perfection serves a purpose as well. Maybe you said something that needed to be heard, even if you don't like how it came out. Looking back, I am recognizing that my missteps have served me, my growth, and my situation well...they are parts of a whole that I am liking more and more each day. I think it is lovely that you and your husband can speak the same recovery language. Sending you lots of support! hugs
my therapist reminded me this week that the best and most lasting learning happens through repeated failure...he says there's cognitive research to prove it...
so...when you slip..you learn.
He also asked me why I was above mistakes and would not allow myself, like other lowly humans, to learn through failure (I like perfection). I told him to take a flying leap (lovingly, of course)
Aloha Michelle and good going on the working it. Don't judge it ...work it and do the best you can with what you have and continue to use the program and the fellowship to help you keep moving forward.
I was taught that alcoholism isn't a moral issue and when I was taught that I dropped using the words "wrong" or "right" when doing my alcoholic/addict's inventory until I learned not to take her inventory any longer. Alcoholism is a disease...chemical modification of a human being resulting in a different and usually insane, unsober human being. You seem to have gotten that information and hold on to it because it is about awareness and being able to see the picture very clearly however being able to see the picture that has him in it is not as valuable as being able to see the picture with you in it. You've got this also. You have learned a ton in a very short time congradulations!! Here's a slogan which is my bestest slogan, given to me by my elder sponsor which really helps to bring me proper perspectives and outcomes when I get "hooked" into situations. ...Don't React!!"... It is better for me to "Respond" to a situation instead of reacting to it...I'm calmer and saner to start with and more in control of my systems. How I do this is continuously practice letting my HP lead me...HP gets before the problem before I do and when I arrive at it just after my HP I give myself 3 seconds or more to look at the situation and then ask myself "what is this really about"? When I just react I dont' know...when I respond I have some information at least to work with. After I become aware I ask my HP first..."What is it that you want me to do with this"? and then I listen for the answer. I'm getting the picture that you are very close to this type of program work also. I'm in support that you continue to work it and practice it more continuously because it is powerful.
Also Beating on a sick person never makes them well. Go read the 10th step slowly and see how you measured up.
I think blowing up at them at times is perfectly normal and natural. It also allows him to see how much things hurt you. He can see it from a new and fresh perspective. Perhaps now that he is growing, and he can see how much you hurt, without the 'beer goggles' of denial on, he can honestly address the hurt he gave you. That does not excuse us from blowing up and getting angry, but it is all progression.
It may have been cathartic. There is such a thing as a honey moon period also. Remember back to the days of first being married/together, how perfect evrything was... eventually every day life takes over also. Please be aware of difficult periods. From my experience, and what I teach my clients also, be careful and vigilant at the 3 weeks and especially the 6 week mark.
I completely agree with what Jerry shared with your in this thread. It's worth contemplating.
For me, I don't need my ex, whom I now live with again, to ever realize how his alcoholism affected me. If he does, he does. If not, it's fine too.
What's important is that I realize it and accept responsiblity for the part that I played in the drama. I reacted unconsciously most of my life.
My thoughts, my actions/chocies, create my world. It's how I interpret and "respond" to what happens that matters. I was never conscious of that before. I was on automatic, functioning from a program that I wasn't even aware of. I'm still becoming more aware of the old program and replacing the parts that are dysfunctional.
Keep up the good work! Thanks for posting your progress.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Thursday 15th of December 2011 10:25:03 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
