When I was a teenager I ended up in a children's home because my mother couldnt' take care of me as I had a serious illness.  The children's home, a huge mansion in the middle of nowhere,  was a mix of all kinds of children who basically had no one.  We were all ages, all races, some of us handicapped, and the one thing we all had in common was we had no one.  We got no gifts, no cards, no party, nothing and I knew it and was absolutely livid about it.  Of course I didn't discuss it back then but I've carried the grudge all my life.  On the ground floor were toddlers who were severely handicapped, they had all kinds of things wrong with them but basically their parents had got rid of them because they couldn't cope with a severely handicapped child and they didn't bother to go visit either.  Most of them could not speak and many of them couldn't walk.  They stayed in their wing the whole time, they didn't even make it to the grass outside. They didn't even get to feed or stroke the horse we had who gave us rides so gently and liked to eat carrots.  Staff came in took care of them but no one came to visit them.  At night they had a couple of nurses who spent the whole night in the office playing cards, eating cake and drinking tea.  After all noone was checking to see if those kids were okay. 
 
At Christmas for a special treat we were allowed in the wing with the special children because they had a big screen TV and it was a special honor for us to watch this TV.  So there we were, the dozen of us, shifting around on stools and cushions supposedly watching TV with these small children who couldn't speak, some of them couldn't walk.  We couldn't hear the TV because the children were squeaking and yelling as they never had any company and they were glad to see someone.  The ones who couldn't walk were rattling their cribs because basically that was about all the human contact they had besides the basic stuff the staff did.  The little toddlers were drooling all over us, squeaking and climbing up on top of us and there was no seeing any movie or even trying to follow the plot. 
 
I was so so angry at that time. Where was my present, where was my Christmas what kind of a lucky thing was this to subject us to.  None of us said anything because basically we wouldn't have been able to hear each other anyway the toddlers were going crazy making so much noise and the children in their cribs were rattling them so much they shook.   Of course the staff were there telling us what a wonderful thing it was to watch a big screen television and how a generous company had donated it to the home. They had to say it loud above the racket.   What a big big deal it was to watch this TV.  I  was absolutely livid and have been most of my life about this experience.   What was lucky about watching that TV, how dare they, where was my present, party and most of all where was the love that I needed so badly back then.
 
I swore then that I would never have a big screen TV.  I guess I thought that was pretty safe because I wasn't likely to be able to afford one.  Nevertheless in everyone's life there comes a time when they come across them.  In Costco when I saw the array of big screen TV's I was always angry and morose and sulking about what I didn't have and what a hard life I've had.  Poor me, when was I going to get something to show that I'm worthwhile.     When I went to other people's houses and saw their big screen TV's I got a lump in my throat and felt all that anger surging up in me.  Most of the time I said nothing because no one was about to understand what it was to be given nothing and told it was something.
 
Just today after feeling so sorry for myself because its Christmas and I don't feel I have enough,  I thought about those poor deprived children in that wing in a different way.  They never made it out of that wing of the children's home or institutional care.  They never went on any outings, no one ever came to see them to make sure they were okay.  They never had a party in their entire lives.   No one ever read them a bed time story, no one ever asked them what their favorite food was, no one ever even rubbed their feet when they felt bad.  They had no one their entire lives and for a few short hours they got to sit with other children who held them and let them drool on them and acknowledged they were alive.   For a few hours they had people around to look at the TV which otherwise never got turned on.  Now when I see a big screen TV I"ll remember them and know we made them a merry christmas even if it was just once in their lives.

maresie