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Last night I went to another meeting. I also think my husband picked a fight with me beforehand, because he knew I was going. I got angry, and we argued (it took a while if him pushing my buttons though). It was hard, but I think I did my best last night, and I was really happy that I went!
The Jekyll and Hyde behavior confuses me, so it's best that I realize that I just can't trust any of his behavior right now. That way I won't expect to have a husband, partner, friend, etc, when he can't be anything to me (loaf of bread and hardware store analogy coming to mind!). He works hard to have me think he can be, then I get blindsided. I was angry last night as a result.
I realized this week that my family's treatment of me lately, and the way I feel with my AH is similar. So, it's not just him, it's pain from multiple angles. Literally, so much tension. My family is so sick, and so is my husband, it's hard to feel SAFE in that. I just don't. Al-Anon is a start though. I want to build healthier relationships, ones that I can trust. I want my life to be different, and I want to feel better again.
My counselor recently lit up when I finally said I was angry with my husband's behavior and the way it affects me - she said "Well, YEAH! That makes sense!" (I must have never said that before). It made me realize how infrequently I feel I have the right to my feelings.
With work: I had two meetings with my boss to talk about my projects, and what I should do for the next year. I think it doesn't work well for me that my boss is often too busy to mentor me, and then when we talk everything gets dumped on me at once! He's a good person and very smart, very accomplished, so it's easy to get overwhelmed by someone who doesn't sleep, he works so much! I DO NOT aspire to be a workaholic.
But, I'm also not feeling excited about what I'm doing. I don't feel motivated, and I don't have a sense of direction with regard to my career. Is it the struggle with my husband/family's alcoholism issues and my lack of self-worth? I just feel pulled in every direction. What does that mean?
Thanks :)
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I find that when I'm getting pulled in every direction it is def a sign I need to sit down and take a moment for myself. Figure out First Thing First, which is an alanon saying. It's important for me to know when I'm over doing and I need to be easy on myself. It is also a reminder for me that I need to get right with my higher power and feed my soul as well as the emotional stuff.
I'm sure continually waiting for the other shoe to drop with your husbands behavior would make one feel consistantly off balance and wondering the what if's .. what if I do this and he acts this way or whatever it's a very stressful way to live. As well as expecting him to give you something that doesn't need to come from him or your family, your self esteem, self worth all needs to come from you, .. no where else. What other people are doing or saying that's on them, .. I only need to be aware of my part and my own best interests in making decisions or figuring things out.
Great awareness on your part about the anger/feelings. It's not easy to get in touch with those emotions when we've spent so much time telling ourselves as well as hearing you don't really feel angry.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I've been there in jobs where I was supposed to fix everyone, make everyone happy and be glad to be paid little or nothing. I've also been around workaholics who never sleep and expect everyone else to do likewise.
Being pulled in lots of different directions has always been the norm for me as a people pleaser. I'm supposed to fix it all. Now I am only supposed to fix me. I'm certainly contributing at work but I'm not killing myself anymore. If they need people to do three or four tasks maybe they had better schedule more. If I'm not there how can I be expected to do it?
Today I went on an interview for a place that is obviously really dysfunctional and for a job that would be obviously awful. For once I could say I'm not interested (and that's because the economy is getting better). I don't have to explain, rationalize or go into detail, I'm not interested. Wow! Most of my life I've felt like I had to take whatever I could get rather than have limits, not be in there to fix everyone, please everyone and choose my battles. I deserve better.
