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Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

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Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know what a Dv is?

I remember when I wanted someone who I allowed to hurt me, to feel as hurt as I did. Maybe then they would be sorry.

But the thing is when that stuff happens it has nothing to do with you or me or the stranger they do it to. It's all their stuff. Most believe they are more hurt than anyone else can be.

A lot of those people have no conscience at all. They only know how they feel and do not relate to anyone else or care.

I remember wanting the AH to feel sorry for hurting me. But really it just does not matter. Those people are in such a much worse spot than you are, and I mean this about my AH too.

do you wonder what made you not protect yourself? What made you not run immediatly? All the things you went thru, you were a victum.

I wonder now if you are really finally loving yourself enough to say stop it, I won't have it, yet your husband is not abusing you. But in a strange way it feels like it to you. maybe now you are on more protect mode of your dear self.

I see you growing and growing and looking at so many tough things. You are amazing.

In a way it sounds to me,when you want a real apology it is more for them than you!

You know its ok to hate the behavior and the damage they did. If you want to forgive them, then forgive them for you. Meaning you in the plural. Not pointing my finger at you.

It's good to to back and look at things. But instead of wishing in one hand and ....in the other. What is the reality of what you are feeling?

How can that help you now?

Honestly I feel like you do carry so much pain around inside you. Linda I feel nauseated a lot. I immediately say I want to throw up my life. It just came out like that one day.

I don't know if I am saying anything or rattling you or? People can be real poops to others. I am too nice too.

am usually quiet. but inside I am thinking, analizying. I just drop them period. they never see what is coming. I had a guy who I thought i knew that was my friend in school, come to my house. My babies were asleep. He decided to rape me. It was horrible.

Earlier my huge Great Dane had plopped herself in the hallway between the kids rooms. that was different. Next thing I know he had almost two hundred pounds of a great dane between him and me,growling in his face.

HIs poison was his own not mine. I didn't feel like a victum at all. I am trying to figure out the difference between sticking around after being victumized, verses getting the heck out of there. Is it more about us,how we were brought up?

Is it about how much we value ourselves? I don't know linda. You deserve happiness, to be treated with respect and tenderness.

Maybe I am hyper not victum and that is what makes me not do well with authority, and I hate being told what to do.

Anyway. I may have just said a bunch of hooey. lol Hugs hon,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I have those dreams too. The craving that someone will really "look" at me and see what I'm feeling, and care.

I also have a dream that maybe even someone who didn't cause me the harm will also listen to what I went through and say they are sorry that I went through that. I haven't been good at picking compassionate people, so so far, if I tell partners a little of what happened in the past, they tend to dismiss it or ignore it. I dream that someone will say, "That happened to you? That's awful. That shouldn't happen to anyone. I'm so so sorry you went through that. Let me hug you." You wouldn't think it would be so hard, would you? I guess it is for the kind of people I've been letting into my life.

I think the thing about having the people who did it apologize is that if they were the kind of people who could understand other people's pain, they wouldn't have done what they did in the first place.

I do know a woman whose alcoholic husband went into recovery and came to her (they were divorced by then) to make amends. But of course we can't count on stuff like that happening.

It sounds good that you faced the pain. It is so easy to try to avoid the pain. But then we have to cut off part of ourselves to do it. I don't know the bigger answer, except maybe to hand it over. (I keep trying to hand it over, but it's like trying to empty the ocean!)

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

We are all survivors...not victims...

It makes me sad that emotional intelligence is SO rare...so when someone is in pain they can't respond in an empathic "I see your hurt" kind of way...and those are the just regular folks.

Then there are the folks who have REAL issues -- with their own pasts, their own pain, and their own RAGE. And for many reasons, choose to inflict pain (physical and emotional) on others. I do not understand this...other than there is something broken that is just not functioning...

if they felt remorse, or could apologize, they probably wouldn't inflict the pain in the first place...such a paradox that these are the folks I want most to hear it from, too.

just remember, when a bone breaks and heals, it is strong where it was broken.

You are strong at the broken places. You have shared that strength with me.

In strength and sisterhood,

K.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I like to think about a speech I watched this priest give when i visited my husband at rehab when I think things like you are describing. He said that holding onto self pity, resentments, and anger do not hurt the people who made you sorrowful, angry, or crushed your dreams in people.. they only hurt yourself. The opposites of all these things is what I strive to focus on... self worth and self love, compassion for others, and love for each person because they are a child of God. When I take the focus off the negative and onto the positive I feel better. That being said, I do believe every person needs time to grieve. They need to grieve the loss of their dream life or the loss of the person they thought they knew.. or they need to grieve the fact that life is a heck of alot harder than they thought it would be. I grieve, but I have stopped dwelling. It feels good. Linda, I follow your posts and I care.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

DV is Domestic Violence

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda: What a lot of courage you have to be willing to address such deep painful issues. I think it says a great deal about your commitment to getting better to be willing to go so deep and feel all those things that had to be frozen before.

Of course one of my sincerest hopes most of my life was that my parents would get better, become capable of knowing the damage they'd done and acknowlege it. Lately I have been getting to that in my family unless I'm willing to pretend we were once a happy family with all the denial, illusions and lies that go along with that, they are pretty much going to freeze me out. I'd say that with the caveat of the alternative was to be dumped on pretty regularly and that really isn't much of an attractive role for me anymore. I can let go rather than want them to be otherwise but that didn't come overnight.

Being willing to speak the truth is such a powerful thing and such a honorable thing to do. So few people get to that. I certainly feel alone at a time like Christmas because I feel like I don't have "family" but I never really did as there was always violence and dysfunction there anyway. I do know there are people who can feel sorrow and remorse about what they've done. They are pretty few and far between and I've never personally got an apology from any abuser even my ex husband who became a therapist, (and who went to AA too). I doubt he could ever get to his part and for some reason I've stopped holding out for him to say anything. Personally I've found craving for an apology, sometimes means acknowledging needs that are very very painful and really difficult to look at like abandonment and core issues of being loved and cared for as a child. For me getting to the core of my abandonment, neglect and abuse has been really very very difficult.

I spent a long long time getting to the truth of my upbringing, the cost was high (both emotionally and monetarily) but it brought me a lot of strength and wisdom that I cherish daily.

I'm so glad you are willing to share your process

Maresie

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Ithink my first step was about couple of years ago when I actually acknowledge I was in multiple domestic violence relationships. I always just shrugged them off. NO one else knew anyway. No one knew the truth of behind closed doors.

I just want to clarify though, I don't hate my family, I have a good relationship with my parents and siblings mostly. I do live 5000km away from them which helps though :D

My Dad never once hit me. My Dad was my best mate when he was drinking, it was when he got sober that I started to not like him.
I will explore that more one day, but a few months ago, I found my self crying over my coffee and collapsed on the floor in my kitchen crying so hard... I had an acknowledgement that I missed my best friend. I lost my mate. When my Dad found AA, and not drinking, he didn't need me anymore. I was discarded. A few months ago was the first time ever in my entire life I cried over that. When my Dad was taken to Rehab (he was actually taken there by workmates), and my Mum was told on the phone. I started to cry cos Daddy wouldn't be home again. Both my Mum and Sister (especially my sister), got so angry at me because I was upset. "What are you crying over that (expletive) for, I hope he never comes back, don't you ever cry for him we don't need him". Mum just didn't say much of anything at all. I visited him and I went to a rehab for my 8th birthday to see my Dad. He had made me a card. That was the last really happy memory I had of him (until I grew up a bit and I get along with him better now and have done for about 5 years or so).

Its so ironic isn't it. Most people are the other way around hey.

I grew to really hate him and I told him so. I referred to him as that man my mother married. It must have been so hurtful all over. Here he was not drinking and trying to build a better life and here I was hating him for it. Maybe that will be soem of the stuff I do when/if I get to that step.

I moved into some violent relationships. A real love hate life. I blamed my Dad and at times, I still do.

I have acknowledged for the first time that I suffered some child abuse. I prefer the term child misuse as that gives me some validation, but does not lessen or disrespect the people that had terrible long term suffering from abuse. Once I acknowleged that earlier this year, I have been able to accept that and work on it.

I have never allowed myself to feel these things. I 'knew' them, but I didn't own them. I think I need to own them, unpack my bags and have a look at what is there, not just carry around big old ugly bags. I can then chose what I am going to repack. Some items I may unpack, I want to feel them, hold them, own them, look at them, and decide what Iwant to do with them.

I am actually starting to feel and what I thought was soooo much anger and hate .... seems to be sadness, almost a grief, it really hurts to feel that. Anger doesn't hurt me as much in the immediate sense. I can go to work with anger, I can function with anger. Sadness stops me in my tracks. Emotions confuse me at times.

As a kid and teenager, I loved those songs that sang about hardening your heart. The "I dont' need you" songs.

Perhaps I am melting in my old (middle) age hehehehehehehe

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda,

I admire your willingness to obtain help. My mother had BPD; she would never seek help. Of course, she was brought up in an era where they didn't. She suffered greatly all her life. She passed just this summer at the age of 82. She was full of fear, anger and hurt. My belief system allows me to be at peace with her death, for I believe she is no longer living her tormented life. She had a beautiful soul, but rarely allowed it to shine, because her mind full of distorted perceptions was her captain.

So really, I admire your strength, honesty, and willingness. In the short while you've been posting, I can already see your soul growing brighter. Before too long, we'll all need sunglasses when reading your posts. You're doing GREAT!!!!

A pleasure to read your posts these days.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.