"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Xenther · Member

Confused about attending a wine party

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Xenther,

Let your girlfriend go to the party and I encourage you to find an alanon meeting during that time. It will help with the anxiety of what she is or isn't doing and it will put you to getting the focus on you and off of her. It does get better.

Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel if my loved ones drink or not is their business and it has no affect on me.

If it did bother me,that would be my issue to figure out. Yes Al Anon meetings coming here will help with this so much.

I have not drank or did drugs my whole life. In the 60's I went to parties and the whole thing. I must be weird as it never bugged me. Well that is a lie. I remember trying to drink a couple times but it just made me sick. that was not fun so never tried, just went and had fun!

Its so freeing to stay in our own inventory. Love others just how they are.

hugs,debilyn

Xenther · Member

Yeah. I've looked into that. Unfortunately this party is a ways away, and while there are meetings in the area that scheduling doesn't work out.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

That's a real tough one, and brings back plenty of memories.... the tough thing is, you're more aware of her & her addiction, than she is (or at least what she is willing to admit).... If she agrees with you and your assessment, then you "win", and she doesn't want you to win - at least not yet.... You're not human if their drinking (and ambivalence) doesn't affect you.... the key is to have a focus, along with a program of recovery..... for YOU....

We have an old saying on here....

"he will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"

As for the party - ask yourself, the (not so) easy question - what do YOU want to do (i.e. regardless of what she is or isn't going to do)

Take care

Tom

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I re read your first post prior to replying to this one.

If the alcohol really is what is bothering you.. .then don't surround yourself with it.

You can't control your partners drinking, it just doesn't work. You can't ask her to take you to the party and then limit her drinking or moderate her behaviour, it just doesn't work. I tried that with my husband. said I will go if he didn't smoke pot. We got there.. and he smoked pot... I asked him to make a promise he couldn't keep an I got annoyed.

She has given you clear instruction that she will drink and if that will annoy you, then don't go.

You have to decide if that is what you are willing to compromise in your relationship.

She is telling you loud and clear, this is part of her life. I wish I had listened clearer when I was probably told that early in the relationship.

She is going to drink, what are you going to do.

Xenther · Member

I can maintain an attitude it doesn't effect me if my friends and acquittance drink. But the closer I feel to someone, the more they feel like family the more I find myself effected. I can work with being accepting of those close to me I can't choose. But when it comes to a girlfriend, then I have to come to believe that I'm not choosing to be with them and accept their behavior if it's not destructive.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

When I met my husband he was just a friend. He smoked pot like he used it to breathe. Up to an ounce a week. It meant nothing to me. I sat there next to him while he smoked and we chatted etc. I sometimes stayed with him for a few weeks. NO bother.. he was not my boyfriend or anything more than a good friend. It was all ok.

If other friends used or drink.... I didn't care.... nothing to do with me.....

Then my husband became my lover, then my live in lover. Before we moved in together he quit smoking pot full time. He used a few times a year... parties, things like that.. he went 9 months with nothing. I thought it was great. Every time he smoked I didn't like it and I told him so.

then he relapsed totally. I went insane (or more so hahaha). I hated it, thought divorce, thought suicide, totally and completely lost the plot.

He was NOT going to change, in his mind he had always been a smoker and he never intended to ever give it up completely. I begged... please just go back to how it was before we were married. He bluntly told me that isn't going to happen, he is not going to smoke that little again. He says he can't do it. He can't ever see himself being able to cope with that little amount of smoke again. He told me I am asking him for promises he can't keep.

I dunno what changed. I blamed me.... I blamed him... I blamed the world...

I am the same as you, when he was a friend it was ok, as a partner for me.. no, its not ok.

So... I came here... I was told all the same things you have been told. I have accepted that he is addicted. I have married a drug addict. An addict of any sorts really.
At this point, I am willing to live wiht that... WHY?

His behaviour is not bad toward me in any other way. He is not abusive. He loves me to pieces. He shows it in every way. AND he is addicted to pot. He knows I don't like it. WE have come to a bit of a stand off/agreement at this point, he doesn't smoke around me. HOWEVER, I know that if his mates come around, or I say yes to partaking in an activity that he would smoke during, then I have to decide if I feel like doing that or not.
ie - he smokes when he goes fishing (hence why we have chicken on those nights!!!), so if he asks me to go with him, I know that I will be there with smoking and its up to me to say yes or no depending on how I feel and he knows that.

Similarly, if I ask him to spend a day with me, that means no smoking. Other times are open slather and I am still working on my anxiety around that.

I am very lucky in that my hubby is not abusive in any way. I can make those choices and we can discuss it, well we can now because I have pretty much stopped yelling at him about it.

This may be the same for you. Perhaps she is giving you the opportunity to work on you and address past fears. Perhaps she is an alcoholic and doesn't know it yet, perhaps both. Its up to you what you want to do now. Trying to change her is not the option, it doesn't work as we all know.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

If the drinking bothers you that much don't go . Asking for reasurance that she wont drink too much is a waste of time and your setting yourself up for a dissapointment . she will do what she wants anyway so accept that and go or not its your choice . Please find meetings for yourself you need support , her drinking has nothing to do with not wanting the relationship or how she feels about you . Drinkers drink thats a fact nothing you say or do will change that . We cannot control other people .. Louise

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm repeating what has already been said and I'm aware that I am but I agree so much.

She's going to go, she's going to drink, what are you going to do?

You can not control someone else, you can not change someone else. You either accept them or you don't accept them.

Linda made such a great point about her hubby and the fact that he didn't change, she did. I realized the other day that really my husband was the same before and after we got married, I was the one who changed. Now for me, part of the reason why I flipped out is because the first 7 weeks of our marriage he was an absolute and complete nightmare to be with and I had no idea how to process it all.

Then I realized that I couldn't change him but I could change me so I started reading. Then in October I found this board and everyone kept telling me to get to a F2F meeting and at first I resented it but then I went.

I still can't control or change my husband. I can accept or not accept what his choices are. He's going to drink and smoke pot. The question for me is what am I going to do about it. Then making sure that I go to meetings, read my literature, and learn as much as I possibly can

I take life one day at a time. I hand things up to my HP. I refuse to accept unacceptable(verbally abusive) behavior.

You obviously either like (or love) your GF a lot, so what are you going to do? No one wants to be controlled or told what to do. We all have the right to live our own life and make our own choices.

Take what you want and leave the rest. Sending you support in your journey.

danni · Senior Member

I feel your pain. I've stopped going to parties with my AH where his drinking friends are involved. They still invite me, but I just keep saying no. At first I was very anxious and resentful that he was choosing to go even though he know it upset me, but it has gotten MUCH easier with the help of my al anon program, friend and sponser. Now when he say he wants to go, I say ok and make plans to do something that will insure I enjoy my evening or at the very least make the most of it. Sending you lots of support!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Xenther, pardon my 2 cent psychology approach here, but this is all about control. The closer you let someone get to you, the more threatening it is because there is greater danger of getting hurt. Hence, there is a greater danger of you wanting to control your intimate partners because of a maladaptive effort to maintain control. So...you can go round and round and round chasing the illusion of control over someone else (having ongoing conversations, differences of opinion, and then arguments about what SHE needs to do to make you comfortable)....or you can keep turning the focus where it is most useful which is on yourself and your own issues with control and trust.

You are going to chase her away by trying to control her. She is probably not even reacting to the issue of drinking as much as you being controlling over what she does with her friends and where she goes. Those are the deeper issues. It's not all about alcohol even though you come back to that because that is where it stemmed from for you due to your childhood.

Anyhow, I'm telling you this because I know that in our efforts to contain and control others...it usually winds up that we put ourself in a locked cage. You are not free to enjoy life to the fullest with these fears and need to control. My wish for you is to enjoy the freedom life has for you to the fullest and the best part of the 12 steps is that they unlock you from the bondage of SELF. In this instance, it is not alcohol that has you imprisoned, it is you.

Praying for your peace of mind,

Mark

P.S. - This response might have been a bit different if written for someone whose partner is a clear alcoholic, but even then...the focus is still best left on self. ---Also, just cuz I come off like I think I know a lot about others...does not mean the feedback is right for you. I have my own issues too so just take what makes sense to you in this please.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It occurs to me that you would be much happier with a partner who didn't drink. I don't mean this partner, if she would only stop drinking. I mean a different partner, whose own view of things is more similar to yours, and that means that she has chosen not to drink.

I used to get stuck in relationships with people whose choices were very different from mine. Then I couldn't bear their behavior -- and sometimes my dislike of their behavior was quite justified. Sometimes not, but sometimes yes. But instead of concluding that I should be with someone else, I stuck with them and tried to change them. They were addicted to their behavior, and I was equally addicted to them. The way I read it is that when I was little, I tried and tried to change my parents to be better parents for me. I have acted like that in my adult life too: I think "This is the only person for me" (just as I couldn't change my parents) and then I'd think, "So to make this situation okay I have to change them." I finally wanted to win. But if I chose people like my parents, I couldn't win, because they wouldn't change. Because hardly anybody changes, and if they do, they do it for themselves, not for someone else.

When you think about giving up your girlfriend, how hard is it? That's probably how hard giving up alcohol is for her. She probably thinks, "I could, but why should I have to?" That's a fair point. It's not a problem for her, it's a problem for you.

There are many people who don't drink at all. Isn't it funny that we (at least at first) don't end up with those? Why would that be?

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I stopped going anywhere with the now ex A where there was alcohol. I got tired of feeling torn about it. He kept on going.

Nothing but nothing I ever did, said, felt changed the fact he was going to use drugs and drink.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"