How do YOU handle the blame game?? - Al-Anon Family Group

kris10 · Senior Member

How do YOU handle the blame game??

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to get out. I came to the realization that no matter what I did I was NEVER going to win, so I stopped playing the game, his game, his way. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks of you or your house - what they think of me is NONE of my business and your friends will not see the dirt. It doesn't matter the reasons he comes up with as to why it is ok to steal from a 6 year old - it isn't, in any world, and everybody knows it. My ex criticized - SCOFFED AT - my housework but never lifted a finger though he lived here too (and was unemployed but still didn't do any work around the house because it's "women's work", bah!!) If two adults are living in a house then by golly two adults better share the housework! And low blows? yeah, they seem to practice those and become quite good at them, but they study us, see what our buttons are and push them when the time is right for them. They will use holidays against us, use our caring nature against us, use whatever works to get them what they need regardless of what we need. Be strong dear. Keep standing up for what YOU and your son need!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Kris you have done the best you could. I have watched you use all your tools and more.

To the point of you yourself getting physically sick!

Hey honey NOTHING he says matters. NOTHING. You do not have to defend yourself about your home or anything. Its all to try to control you. If it was so bad to him why did he live there???

Sick people do this, try to shift the blame.Even my stupid tenants do this!

He is a very sick person. I don't quite get it. As most heroin users would be going thru withdrawals. Something is not right there either.But that is HIS problem.

Let me tell you this I never ever say a word about whatever someone may make up about me. Not worth it as it is all lies anyway. I do not have to defend myself. /They are trying to get us upset to control us.

It is hard! You are seeing your dream die. Believe me, it is tough, but I know you can do it. In time you will heal as you work on it. Your head will clear and maybe then you can work on YOU and learn how to be ok living with out anyone. That you are whole with out anyone. Then and only then will you be ready to share your life with someone as a whole woman.

Not needing a man but wanting them. I learned men were icing on my cake. Of course after you bond you do need each other, but it is a healthy one.

You sound like such a strong, intelligent person. I want you to find her and love her. Your son is precious, you two need to have fun together. My daughters son is 5.Those two go to every neat event where they live in Portland Oregon. Its so cool. You guys have such a great future sweetheart.

We are here for you and you post as much as you need/want to. We do love you, you know.

I am glad his mom is saying no, and not enabling. I hope she is a good grama for your son. I also hope you have friends and family to hang out with. I tell ya I had soo much fun with my two kiddos doing all kinds of things. We were almost like siblings camping, hiking goint to fish hatcheries, bike riding, rafting, taking their friends with us too.

Take care of you while you are sick. It's ok to nap too. Healing from this loss is a wound. Look at it that way.

I am so proud of you. hugs,debilyn

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

This has the potential to be a great Xmas for you and your son.
Your son is very important and he will appreciate his Mum standing up for him.
Its doesn't matter when you do this thing.. there is never a better time. He will work it out. He works it out when he goes out.
He has to find something to blame you for, if he didn't, then he may have to take a look at himself hey.

How do I deal with it. I guess it is not an easy thing to deal with. None of this is. Not reacting at the time is the best way, have a back up of what you can do for yourself (cry in the shower, do your nails, whatever).

It will get better, you know it will.

You and your son will be ok.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

All that stuff you are talking about is just deflection from the true issue at hand .. which is .. he has issues. I encourage you not to take it personally, not to put the focus on him and put the focus back on you and your son. What is in your best interests.

I find that the phrase "You might be right" goes a long way in dealing face to face with potential blow ups in all walks of my life. It's hard to argue with someone when they are agreeing with you.

All that stuff is garbage, the real truth is he's an addict. You don't need to JADE the sitauation you know your truth.

Hugs P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learned to not reply to my exAH at all if I can't say anything without reacting. I also love the idea of not playing the game. It sounds like you are doing the best you can for you and your son. Sending you love and support!

kris10 · Senior Member

Yes im keeping my mouth zipped... Its midnight here and he has came back... All his stuff i have packed and setting by the door and he is just sitting on the couch watching tv... Thanks to a post on here i am now remembering all i have to do is turn it over to my hp... I think My A doesnt know what to do... I sure dont know what to do right now.. I have him all packed but i know he literally has nowhere to go... Soooo it is what it is right now... He knows i told him to go. He knows ive hit my limit.. He chooses to sit on the couch.... I choose to hand it to my hp because i dont know what to do about this one.... I choose not to start a yelling match in the middle i the night and wake up my son. I choose to try and get myself some sleep... (smack in the middle of my bed by myself) lol... Dont get me wrong this isnt me giving in... This is me keeping my own sanity... And if it gets ugly cops will be called to get him out....

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Post as much as you need. As you have said when in doubt write it out.

I dated a cocaine addict one time. Everything was always my fault, and yet I was always the victim according to him. At the time I could not figure this guy out. I had never been around anyone like him and had absolutely no idea what was going on until one night he called, exhibiting the behavior I had picked up on before and confessed to being high.

I quit playing his game. Changed my number. Because of that experience and what I've learned now, this is a common factor that someone else already mentioned, they (the A) tries to deflect the attention from the true issue, the addiction.

I think you are so amazing. Instead of playing into his hand, creating a scene in the middle of the night, potentially traumatizing your little boy, you left him to sit on the couch with his packed stuff and reflect on the fact that he's out. If you have to call the police you will, but you chose serenity for you in choosing rest and to take action after you have the rest that YOU need. Way to take care of you!!! Way to hand it up!!! Way to work your program!!!!

Sending you lots of hugs and support!!!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Kristen,

I can't imagine how hard this is and you are working an AMAZING program!!!!!! Sending love and support during this time!!

Hugs P :)

rara avis · Senior Member

Hey Kristen,

You sound like one smart cookie, sending you lots of hugs and support at this time!

No kid or marriage here, so the situation was bit easier, but I also recently kicked my now ex out, he had nowhere to go, winter approaching, refused to leave, etc.. [ and many many posts about it! ] ...Hooboy it was tough but when you hit a limit, you hit a limit!!!

Sounds like you've got some key people in your corner, his mom, your friends I'm sure, this board....etc...lean on all of them! I was rather embarrassed at the army it took to help me, but it really impressed upon me how awesome people are. Some of them knew the whole story, others just "got it" and offered companionship. I felt less crazy when I heard their opinions of the situation. Like I said, invaluable! Of course you also have your son who is at the age where kids are really fun to play with :) Now there's a distraction!

The blame game is rotten, what still helps me when I feel lonely and sad is to remember the worst things that my ex did or said. It's ironic that the worst things help, but they do. They remind me that I do NOT want to be with someone who did or said nasty thing ____________ [ fill in the blank ]

Keep coming back here for support. You'll get through this!!! xo
rara avis

danni · Senior Member

I give you a lot of credit for working your program despite all the chaos and drama. Easy does it. Sending you a tremendous amount of support as you get through each moment. It sounds like you are not just reacting, but making choices. Take care of yourself! hugs

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris - From all your writing, I garner you are an exceptionally bright woman who has been at war with herself. You have an emotional side and a rational side. It is my suggestion that you try and let the rational side speak for you in this matter cuz the emotional side is way too caught up in this.

The rational side of all this is: He has a much better chance at sobriety if he hits his self-imposed bottom. So, if he winds up on the street, then so be it...he has a better chance of recovery going that route anyhow. Nothing he says about you or his personal digs matter. You know what he is and the games he plays. You work. You pay bills... If your house is dirty, oh well....Welcome to the world that a good portion of the rest of us live in. If you are going to stay strong in this, you know you can't be deterred by the games and rantings of an active heroin addict. He would say or do ANYTHING if it meant a greater chance of someone sympathizing with him and giving in to taking care of him. He would also say anything to make you doubt yourself and to cave in and let him back. His own mother wont have him around so what makes you think you are a bad person for any of this?? He probably painted his mom out to be a horrible person to you because she has refused to enable him too...that is what addicts do right?

On the emotional side, this is all terrible. You love him. It sucks to watch. It is horribly painful to see someone ruin themselves and attack you while you have actually been the 1 person that has probably cared and helped him more than anyone. Being sad and feeling torn is normal....but it doesn't have to interfere with your rational decision making.

In support,

Mark

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

His mother can no doubt take care of herself. I'm just noticing that if you hadn't phoned her, you wouldn't have had to listen to her passing on all his nonsense about how you're to blame for this and that. It's a common strategy is dysfunction for triangulation to happen. I mean instead of people talking to the person they have an issue with directly, they talk to third parties. Then third parties talk to third parties and everyone gets in an uproar. You tell his mother about his bad behavior, he tells his mother about your "bad" behavior, etc. etc. Alcoholism loves drama. It gets everyone all worked up and distracted from the real issues (taking care of themselves moment by moment). He has stirred up a lot of drama and everyone has gotten sucked into the insanity just as they were supposed to. When we refuse to accept the drama, we're left alone with our own scary thoughts, but then we can actually move forward.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Kris you said it yourself - you didn't do this. It all goes back to the 3 c's. He is entirely responsible for this mess, and his way of deflecting is blaming you, because that's what addicts do. You are only responding the way any self-protecting person would. No need to listen to it or to think anything of his nonsense - you're not dealing with a rational person right now. Take care of yourself and your child. In support, nyc

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

The ex A did all this stuff and more. He claimed I was the slob, claimed I was useless, albatross and more. I was really very hurt. Nowadays I just take it as the disease. My ex roommates had nothing good to say about me. Since I worked all the time 7 days a week what was there to object to. They found a whole bunch like I actually had needs. Now I am not there I am sure they still make it up. The difference is I let it go. I saw one of them today which used to be a big trigger for me and I thought act like he isnt there. I did that and blew right through the normal trigger.

You know many A's can snow people very very well but eventually they realize that nothing they say is true. They can put the blame on everyone but really if anyone looks at their shambles of a life they know the truth.

Of course it feels devasting to be left with all this mess to deal with the suitcases, the feeling of being responsible for him and the betrayal. Who said living with an active alcoholic was going to be a tea party. That's what is expected. Of course none of us want to expect that but that's the reality.

I am so glad you are here. There is no need to apologize for the number of posts. We are here for you.
Maresie.

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