Question for A's - Al-Anon Family Group

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Question for A's

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Depends on the A. NO one is the same.Plus denial, and irresponsibility, are symptoms of being A.

They may not see anything how a non A does. The pain they cause is too much to bear,so they drink it away.

Many do not remember years of their lives! Did you listen to Johns share about his life? That opened my eyes to even more things. Its really good.

Remember they are insane, they don't make proper memories. Pickled brains do not work correctly.

It just does not matter. If they did remember it all,felt everyones pain, it would be so horrible. I would rather they take each day, stay on a program of recovery,know they did hurt others and go to them and just listen.

I would not want to wish any more pain on them.They did not choose to be born A. love,debilyn

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know my A realizes what pain he has caused others, and though, he cannot fully feel the extent we have gone through with him, he has shown remorse. I think my AH always felt this remorse but internalized it and would wallow in self pity over his mistakes. He felt so shameful and embarrassed and as if he was just this wretched person.. he felt so horrible about it that the only way he knew to stop feeling this way was to go use again.. and the process continues...

Now I think my AH has accepted his mistakes but has forgiven himself. Of course, i cannot speak exactly what he feels I can only say what it seems to be like to me and what he has said.

As for me, I spent alot of time feeling bad that I had this horrible situation to live through and I really had to grieve the loss of my dream life for a while. Once I realized that life can be whatever I choose to make it I started to feel better.

I used to tell my AH I was "proud" of him when he made strides in recovery. I get now that it could not be done by his will so I don't tell him I am "proud" of him any longer. I will tell him I am happy for him though when he talks about his relationship with his HP growing or that he's connected with another AA member. I am happy for him because it was not his choice.. when he was so lost and had no hope.. the only relief he knew to get was from the bottle, so proud is not the word. Happy for him is the word now because he finally gave it up to his HP.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, it is possible, but it comes in little "aha" sort of moments and they occur over a long span of time and from living life differently (as well as working an active AA program with stepwork). I had to grow up all over again in sobriety. I am with a new partner now but an example is how I am now trying to divide up household tasks with my current partner (as we pratically live together) and it is coming to me how little I used to contribute to any chores around the house, how I didn't care about living in filth so I thought it was okay to just refuse to do laundry, clean, do dishes... That was really infantile and wrong of me. I can't call my ex and apologize every time I have one of those moments. I have made amends to him (and he is an A too so....he has his own issues)... But to answer your question....Yes, I realize the scope. These things coming to me now are smaller things...It just continues to astound me how I got to almost 40 and still just don't do certain things or expect others will do them for me. It has been a long road of accepting let myself get broken that way and I slowly am stepping up and making ammends.

The big ones like infidelity, screaming, threatening to kill myself, destroying the house, and generally refusing to participate in life...Recognizing that damage came quicker than recognizing the finer things about how people involved with me deserved to be with another grown up and not a needy drunken overgrown child.

Mark

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Michele and Deb for your answers, Deb, I have no wish to pile on more pain or make him pay for the rest of his life. Mark, your answer was what I was looking for - I even think - except for the risk of relapse and all the not so fun stuff that comes along with it, I would almost prefer to date guys who have walked that road, the road that took them into the introspection of their own strengths and weaknesses and growing out of the overgrown child mentality into the adult world where conflicts, which are a normal and expected part of life, are resolved in an adult manner to the satisfaction of all parties involved.

I think the question comes from recent posts and thinking about the wording - "the nature of wrong doings". For example, I had a guy very rudely chew me out over the phone for trying to help him. Later he apologizes by saying, "i'm sorry that I made you mad at me the other day". (twitchy nose and a huhhh??? is that any kind of apology?? how about, I'm sorry I was rude, please forgive me?). While, as I said above, I don't want to re-hash for eternity, every bad thing done, I do feel the need to, if the amends ever come, know that he understands the nature of the bad AND why I may flinch at certain things.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes I would just love for my Dad to say sorry. To acknowledge that he affected me also.
It aint ever gonna happen.... I often have these fantasy conversations in my mind where he apologises to me.
Oh well... I have to remember Iam not a little girl anymore.
Would be nice to get the same from some of the exes also.

That aint ever gonna happen either.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think if you attend an open Aa meeting you will hear people who do acknowledge it. I don't know that means your A will do that. I do know some people make it.

My ex A never wanted to be sober for one second. he never indicated he did, he never even thought about going to a meeting. Yet I had some idea that at some point he'd realize he was hurting me. Whose thinking was off there?

maresie.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

My hubby has never acknowledged anything that he may have done wrong to me. Or that he may have hurt me. This is after 11 years in AA. He had cancer in his throat after 7 years in AA and he was 56 yrs. old. He beat the cancer and then started going to Gilda's Club to help others. After a few years there he did say in my presence, but not to me, that the family of cancer patients have a rough, scary time of it. He finally figured that out with the help of the others. As far as anything that he did when he was drunk, he thinks we, the family are too sensitive and we should just be glad he doesn't drink anymore.

I know that is not the norm. The truth is that no matter what they do, we have to keep on with our lives and make ourselves happy. We can't sit around and even think or wonder when the other shoe will fall and things will get worse, or when things will get better. We simply don't know when/if it will ever happen. We can totally miss living our lives sitting around waiting.

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