How do I keep my kids safe? - Al-Anon Family Group

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

How do I keep my kids safe?

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

one more thing that freaks me out...my ex is REALLY into handguns..and he goes out shooting with the boys and others...and I know he has been using all along..

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi rehprof - not to give advice but as a mom I totally feel for you and your concerns. Priority #1 is keeping you and your children safe. If having them around him in these conditions doesn't pass the smell test (and it wouldn't for me) then how about calmly talking to your A and explaining that you don't want them there with him that weekend? I mean, why put yourself through that worry? They are your kids and you are being responsible by protecting them. Raven may be a great guy according to your husband, but drugs, guns, etc...doesn't mix well with the mother instinct. It's not like you're prohibiting him from spending time with them otherwise.
I think the key is how to present it. It's hard not to flip out when you hear of this set up, but yes, maybe a calm conversation is the best way to appeal to him. That way an argument is avoided and you hopefully can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement where everyone is happy and the peace is kept.
In support, nyc

DreamXL · Senior Member

HI and thank you for your post :) I hope appealing to the Dad in your ex works and some logical and clear thinking about the consequences of putting his children in this type of environment is well thought out. You mention that your ex is using and In my experience rational and logical thinking and decisions seem to go out the window with users. It's more about what suits their needs, desires and whims. How do I keep my kids safe? It sounds as if you know the answers before asking the question. Blessings !

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

I have found great power in waiting before I respond to such issues. It gives me time for my emotions to settle so that my response is not only more sane, but also more effective in communicating what I want and need. Often times too, I have found that the situation never pans out anyway, and I ended up wasting much energy, time and emotion on something nonexistent. That said, given the situation you describe, you have every right and reason to do what you need to do to protect your children, even if it involves the courts. I don't know what your legal agreement is, but you don't necessarily have to let him have the kids at his house. Though a good concept, it can be very fruitless and crazy-making to have a logical conversation with an A. Sadly, their needs most often trump what is best for the kids. If you feel the need to "do something", perhaps you just figure out what your options are should you need them, then wait. Sometimes these situation fix themselves. Keep coming back. Blessings, Lou

-- Edited by Loupiness on Monday 12th of December 2011 09:27:13 AM

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I know how that momma instinct can kick in and hinder our communication. We really want to scream and kick something. But, you have a better plan I think. I would just suggest that a plan B might help you avert trouble if he isn't responsive. Maybe call a lawyer and find out what your options are.

Also, it hasn't actually happened yet and I know from experience that A's are notorious for making big plans and never following through. So, it may never happen anyway. When stuff liket his happens, I try hard to just stay in the moment. Future tripping gets me in trouble.

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

A using person's body is saturated with poison. Every cell in their body is affected. Even when they are not drunk, they are still affected by that is still in their body and the damage it does.

When I read posts like this, and I am VERY glad you wrote, it makes me see how very, scarey how their disease distorts our thinking.

I see you allowed them to go see dad when he lived with sis as you felt that was safe. Thats good.

Now that safety is gone, and now there is NO safety. NONE. I know from experience that once someone has sold drugs, was a druggie,is considering moving in with an active A ,that person is not on a program of recovery and I doubt they are clean.

Plus the element of people who will come hang out, I am sure are not anyone I would even allow my dogs to be around. NO way.

Plus the cigarette smoke, pot smoke those are the poisons those kids will be breathing. Plus who knows what they will hear or see!

guns and drinking. worst combo.

How to protect them? You know your situation. Is there a gma involved that he could have them at their place? Maybe just day visits no overnights at the zoo or shopping or games whatever where you drop off and pick up?

I have always asked,"Would you leave them with a drunk babysitter? what makes it ok that it is ok it is there dad or mom?" Same danger.

Mom animals put up with NOTHING and NOONE who are not safe for their young.They don't ask questions, they get their babies outa there and or get rid of the intruder one way or another.

They would never consider putting them where they are not safe. AS far as HP he is the one who gave mothers that naturaly instinct to protect our kids. You sure are not going to put them on a cliff in high wind thinking well hp will take care of them.

I know you are strong and will make the right decision. We all care and are here for you! love,debilyn

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't have kids of the human variety so I can't totally relate. But I was a child of an alcoholic. Mum knew I was physically safe with him so I was left with him sometimes overnight, from a young age. I belive it affected me psychologically and if she had asked me, I would have rather been with her, and eventually I did ask as about a 6 year old. Totally shattering her idea that I didn't know what was going on.

What I am trying to say is... what do your kids say? Do they want to go? How do they feel about the bloke and their Dad? If they are best mates my guess is that the kids are around him already.

If I was a kid again (heaven forbid), I would want Mum to listen to what I want a little bit more. (if she had, they would have been divorced when I was about 6 and I asked her to leave him). Your kids are old enough to understand the consequences.

Also, has this plan got a high likelihood of happening... you know what pipe dreams are like.

Take what you like and leave the rest

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Rehprof,

You could choose to take an even more detached approach in the form of "I have challenged your judgment in the past and I'm not going to do that this time. We have different views on parenting and what I want our kids exposed to, and to a degree that is normal and okay....BUT, if I hear about anything dangerous, neglectful, or abusive going on with the kids, I will take steps to stop it."

From there, you call DCF to have his rights terminated if he exposes the children to drugs or danger.

It's just a thought and I know life is not that simple...but this approach does take away the agonizing over what is right and wrong and all the questioning of control and makes it really simple.

Not sure if it will work for you and you have to find a way to make those words yours and not what I typed persay.

Mark

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Rehprof,

I PM'd you

Hugs P :)

Well .. LOL .. my laptop had a moment so i'm pm'ing now .. LOL!

-- Edited by Pushka on Monday 12th of December 2011 11:26:52 PM

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