The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been doing a lot of thinking (or navel-gazing) recently about why I am having so much trouble with the end of step 3 and beginning of step 4, and I think I finally found the root of that -- I don't believe my mistakes will be forgiven.
I have a hard time trusting people because I know I will eventually make a mistake and worry forever afterward about how that changed their opinion of me... and I didn't feel comfortable with the fourth step because I tend to dwell on every little mistake with a magnifying glass and the idea of taking inventory and adding to the list of things to dwell on fills me with dread...
...and yet, realizing what has been going on for so long in the back of my mind and bringing it into my conscious awareness is a TREMENDOUS RELIEF. There isn't something horribly unfixably wrong with me causing these problems... so much of the pain I put myself through comes from that one little belief, and that is something that can be challenged and changed. Even just being aware of that nasty little belief lurking in my mind takes some of the sting out of it when it kicks in.
NOW I'm ready for step 4... because you have to do 4 to get to 5. And admitting my wrongs to my sponsor and having her *not* run away in horror and never speak to me again will help me prove that thought wrong!
-- Edited by atheos on Sunday 11th of December 2011 05:40:20 PM
You know an active member of AA reminded me that step 4 was also about looking at our strengths. Please remember that. The fact you got here, are willing to consider something else and are able to work with someone else shows you have quite a bit of emotional health there.
Yes agreed with Maresie .. you survived in spite of your circumstances. That right there is a strength by being here in alanon you are only admitting that those characteristics no longer serve you and you are aware that something different will work better. What can be a character defect in some respects can really be an asset in other areas of our lives. Being able to organize is not a bad thing, controlling what everyone does is a whole other ball of wax. :)
Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it and you deserve to have the ability to choose to make the emotional risk of trusting others. It's ok not to trust everyone however I find for me that living a life of trusting no one I only short change myself in the big scheme of things.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
What a GREAT and Powerful awareness!!! A small tiny untruthful ,message burried deep in your mind, has come forward so you can now see the damage it has caused,.Know that the message is not the truth and that you are being set free.
I am so glad that you spent the time contemplating and allowed this {exact nature of your wrong" to surface and be seen for what it is.
I found that HP also presented me with so mnay of the negative messages that I told myself and when I saw them and how pwerful they were I understood why I needed to ask HP to lift them
And your mistakes don't have to be forgiven by anyone other than YOU! What other people think of us is none of our business. We don't need their forgiveness. We need to forgive ourselves. And then we can go forward and be the person we would rather be.
It always amazes me that we can forgive other people but find it hard to forgive ourselves . At a convention we were sharring on Guilt (ours) after the meeting a man came over and asked if I thought God had forgiven me , I replied yes I do his reply was Stop Playing God ! ! So let it go change the behavior and forgivness will come . When we know better we do better it really is that simple .. go easy on yourself remember step 4 is not about how bad you are its who you are and when you see the things that are causing you a problem you can change the behavior . Louise
I was afraid my sponsor would cringe at my list for step 4 but she actually said.. that's all you've got. since then I have thought of a few more. I think many people in the program are similar in characteristics and many of the things on people's lists reflect. I know it is scary but remember that your higher power, whatever that is to you, is with you for this. I hope you post and keep up up dates on your step 4. I am on step 7 and, let me tell you, I have never felt more at peace with who I am.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
