The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm finding that my Abf can be a real A when it comes to me standing up for myself and sticking to my boundries.... (and i'm not talking about Addict if you get my drift) So, I'm going to vent a little... He's pissed that I keep saying NO when he wants to take MY CAR, that he doesn't put any gas in.. I just say, "sure you can take it if you have money to put gas in it." Then he gets mad, because of course he doesn't have any money for gas. Then it's asking me if I can give him a ride... If I say no because I have things of my own I'm doing and I'm not going out of my way to keep HIM happy, mad again.... Trying to make me feel bad that I won't give him a ride... I want to blow up and say "what the hell do you do for ME?" but I bite my toungue because that won't get me anywhere...
I have another cold or the one I had before somehow came back.... Anyways, so he comes home at 3 in the morning, wakes me up to unlock the door because he forgot to bring his key... THEN, he comes to bed and opens the window!!! I live in MN and it was 2 below outside... Are you kidding me??? I'm sick, I just got woke up in the middle of the night and now you are opening the window so the freezing cold air can blow right in my face.... OMG.. It takes alot of power for me to NICELY say, "please close the window, I'm sick and it's freezing, If you are hot you are welcome to sleep outside."
Then today he is mad because I blocked his dealer from calling my phone so when he is asking to take my car and I say no, I ask him if he has ANY friends that have a drivers licencse and he says "yeah but I can't even call him on christmas or his bday cuz YOU won't let me." I said. "you call him on skype everyday." AND THIS IS THE REAL KICKER!!! He says, "yeah but I have to pay for that." ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME????? I had to laugh at that one because there was nothing else I could do...... I just laughed and said "yes, and I pay for my phone also." At that point he must of realized he sounded stupid because he started ranting about something or another but I wasn't sticking around the bedroom to hear even what he was saying..... So, he left and took his bike (that I bought him).... Guess it's going to be a cold winter riding bike when you decide to spend all your money on drugs instead of pay your bills right??
So, then why is it that I'M THE BAD ONE????? Really it's like a bratty kid not getting their way...... I will no longer go out of my way for anyone that wouldn't do the same for me.... And I know who those few people are.....
You are doing sooo well with your boundaries and what works and doesn't work in your life. If the A in Abf doesn't stand for A that's ookkk .. lol.
Keep working your program, and keep coming back!!
Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It really helped me to read and re-read everything I could get my hands on about how addiction/alcoholism is truly a disease. This helped me when I would want to scream and/or kill him because of his absolutely asinine choices that were also completely illogical. My husband is a very smart man,but when he is enslaved by his addiction he is a total idiot. I mean, really, his choices are just down right stupid. This is when it hit home that it cannot be logically explained because that is part of the disease. Alcoholics/ addicts are insane. bottom line. Educating myself on the disease of alcoholism/addiction allowed me to let go of trying to understand his absolutely stunning choices and become much more compassionate. I think you are doing a great job keeping your sanity by setting boundaries and not caving to his demands. It is YOUR money and it is YOUR car. Keep your head up.
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I know that addiction is addiction and it is a disease. I also know that living with an active A is a lesson in patience.
You are not the bad person. You are making healthy choices for you, in order to protect you serenity.
I'm so sorry you are sick again :(
I know that sometimes the best choice is to bite my tongue, like you did, but there are times when I really want to lash out. Those would be the times I'm taking it on MINUTE at a time.
That sounds very very provactive. Usually I fall into that kind of stuff.
Who said setting boundaries was easy. I think the ex A claimed we were a couple when it suited him and a glorified roommate at other times. Really he had a roommate he shared a truck with. I have personally never heard of that!
I do know from years of research many people live in active chaos and feel entitled to whatever you have. One of my former roommates once woke me up after I had worked till 2:30 in the morning. He felt a yearning for Nachos. I had by then the notion that giving him anything would result in more interruptions so I didn't oblige.
Entitlement was a huge issue in my relationship with the ex A. He felt whatever was mine was his. But his stuff was not party to that agreement. He regularly used my phone if his batteries were dead.
I believe the way I fit with the ex A was he felt entitled to everything and I felt entitled to nothing but resented the fact he felt entitled because as far as I was concerned I was worthless.
