The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been to many AA meetings and been here before. Thanks to God and 12-Step Meetings, my husband is in recovery.
However I know someone who has a relative that has been an alcoholic for many years with short recovery periods. He has been to hospitals, rehab, AA and therapy. Unfortunately, as we all know on this board, it has to be consistent. I want to be sure I am a good listener and empathetic, (I have advised Al-Anon meetings) but is it the right thing to just let the alcoholic stay by themselves until they come out of it? Does checking on them, mean you are co-dependant or just making sure they are safe? I have heard that you let them hit bottom and don't let them manipulate you especially when the A has done this for years, but others say you should be sure they are OK. What do you think?
-- Edited by wifeofalcoholic on Friday 9th of December 2011 02:05:24 PM
For me staying on my side of the street is imperative. Alanon for me has meant staying on my side of the street and just allowing the pieces to fall, believing/trusting that my kids and I will be safe. Once I start venturing over to anyone else's "dark side" ( that means the only side that has a lights on the street and I can see clearly what needs to be done, everyone else their own lights on I just can't see them). I'm into territory that is teetering on control. Unfortunately other people have their own lessons to learn. While I may see the train wreck that's coming, I can't live their life. I can only protect my kids and myself from collateral damage. Calling to see if someone is ok is different than asking them if they are sober each time I call. It's kind of like calling someone who you know is dying and asking every 30 min if they are dead yet. I don't get the point and it's not going to change the outcome. Sorry not meaning to be offensive just what I have learned.
I have always believed that everyone's bottom emotional or otherwise varies from one person to another, so what seems like it should be enough may not be for that person. Hands off other people's business is what keeps my serenity in tact, and allows me to have compassion, kindness and respect for people in my life.
Your friend could use alanon, however if you have suggested it then let it go, that is for them to decide to do or not do. We all have our own process to go through. I had been told I should seek alanon 3 months before I actually did, .. so sometimes it's just something that needs to happen on its own. I try to listen and not give advice as well as remember everyone IS in a different place. What is right for me is not always what someone else is ready for.
Just like alcoholism if someone else chooses to get help or not, the 3 C's apply. i didn't cause the situation, I can't control the situation and I won't fix the situation.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It depends on how close you are to them and how much checking on them is going to drive you crazy. Hence, I don't go out checking on every drunk I encounter and for most people, if they want to drink themselves to death that is their business. It would be harder if it was my spouse, or an immediate family member. Even then, at some point, the time might come where I would stop checking...
For me I had to first inventory what I meant by and how I did "checking". There is a huge difference between how an enabler does it and how a helper does. That's my healthy recovery experience response. I'm listening for more. ((((hugs))))
I have always found it beneficial to keep the focus on myself and my recovery program. For me I can suggest Alanon but if I have to say it more than once, I am bordering on advice giving which is what I am encouraged not to do. The old saying goes God has not grandchildren. When I keep the focus on myself and Let Go and Let God, He'll take care of the rest.
I've wondered the same thing but I've separated from my AH and his parents go check on him if they haven't heard from him in a while. But sometimes I wonder if leaving him be, completely alone, will help or hurt him more? I may be separated from him but I do still care for him and don't want to see him kill himself with alcohol.
