The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a big breakthrough yesterday in realising that I now want a different kind of relationship if I ever get into one again. Since I have not dated much at all (no dates this year thus far)...
At one time I wanted an all encompassing love, a love that took up all my time and which my life rotated around. I wanted someone to be the center of my life and to have so many of my needs met by one person. I also was under some kind of delusion that I could meet all their needs (which I now know isn't particularly healthy).
I now think some of my ideas about romantic love don't really apply anymore to me. I'm not willing to jump in anymore. I prefer to get to know people slowly. I always jumped in before and committed day one. I now think commitment should be a gradual thing. I'm also aware that I would prefer to share my love for friends, pets and more. The ex A at one point accused me of loving th dogs more than him! Of course at that time he needed it all! And most of the time he got it all but that was never enough for an alcoholic.
I am really quite amazed at that change because most of my life I have really had a torch for a romantic relationship. A friend of mine made that comment recently who I have not spoken to for a while. My whole life used to hinge around wanting a relationship and having it be the center of my life.
Of course there are no guarantees I will ever find the kind of relationship I'm thinking of now. I also no longer think that will kill me!
I understand what you mean, and though I am still with the same man I was with before Al-Anon I relate to him much differently. My husband was like God to me. My happiness depended on what he was feeling/doing for that moment/day. It's completely different now. My happiness depends on me. I thought that feeling his pain was love before but now I see that love is so much more and so different than I thought. My heart is at peace with his heart but that does not mean we have to even be phsyically together or that I have to believe him or agree with everything he feels of believes. I now want a relationship like Kahlil Gibran descibres in his book The Prophet:
Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Nice, thought provoking share, orchidlover. I quote The Prophet on this site alot but it is because so many things I read in that book have rang true to me... especially this part about marriage and love.
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Well one huge issue for me is that I leapt to marriage/commitment too fast. I leapt to living together too fast and I was really uncomfortable dating.Before I met the ex a I had actually been dating and I did not like it one bit. I felt really uncomfortable and did not know what was expected. I longed to merge in other words.
I think the one thing that keeps me from running into another relationship is my dogs. I simply cannot do to them again what they went through with the ex A. I can protect them and in protecting them I protect me.
Orchidlover, I think that you have made a major, wonderful discovery. I can entirely relate to what you have said here. I have also been one who gives of myself completely, and too eagerly - I have done this in many relationships, and now I'm married to the AH... and am starting to realize that I have to realign my thinking as you have done...
Michelle, I love your quote. Very meaningful for me. Thank-you for sharing it!
There are so many things in life other than romantic love. I used to think everyone must have romantic love in order to be happy. I think that our society teaches us that. But is it true? Maybe it is true sometimes for some people, but not always for everyone. There are things in my life that make me very happy, and are unrelated to my bf. There are times when he is very busy with work and I don't seem him much, and it doesn't bother me because I have things I do every day that I love. I still love him very much, but he can't devastate me the way he used to, when he was my whole world.
I think that if I didn't have him in my life I would be very sad for a while, but I would still love life. We can get most of our happiness and togetherness from one person, or we can get it from lots of different people. Romance and sex should only be with one person, of course. But there is so much more to human relationships. You can share interesting conversations or laughter with anyone you know.
If you try to get everything from one person, then what happens when he's in a rotten mood, or when he watches TV for hours on end? Or gets drunk or stoned?
My primary relationship is with my HP, who protects me and takes care of me and guides me. Everything else in my life grows out of that.
I think I fought tooth and nail to not realign my thinking and I have come to the conlcusion that the only way out for me as a child was to dream of something better. I had to be non specific because goals were not possible. I had to believe someone would come along and help me.
Of course people did help me in so many forms, strangers, doctors, neighbors, teachers...people who cared. But really I had no central figure who was reliable and loving. My parents were too far gone with their mental illness to do that. My two sisters sucumbed to addiction early on. They had to numb themselves to reality somehow.
Naturally I put great source into somehow somewhere something, someone would make it up to me. Of coruse they never could and my denial, lack of boundaries and inability to be mature (because of course I could not be mature in that environment) meant I was open to putting up with anything in order not to feel abandoned.
To me abandonment meant death and romantic love represented salvation. Only when I worked through layers of abandonment issues could I get to a concept of having some other kind of love. In ao many ways al anon was the only thing/people who never abandoned me no matter what.
To me abandonment meant death and romantic love represented salvation. Only when I worked through layers of abandonment issues could I get to a concept of having some other kind of love.
Oh boy, does this ever resonate with me!! Yes, I hear you orchidlover. I'm just starting to work through my own abandonment and (self)acceptance issues, and it is really scary to go there. You are very brave.
I've been realizing lately that I feel like I've been abandoned every time the AH gets into his drinking. This was a big realization for me this week, actually.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to hijack the original post. A lot of this is hitting home for me though...
I really like this post... I always use to think (and sometimes still do) that I NEEDED a relationship to be happy... I was happy if they were happy. Why are we designed to think that if we don't grow up and get married and have a family that we did NOT fail??? Canadianguy told me the other day to google toxic love.... I did and I encourage you to do so as well.... I found it to be so true...
I know some things about toxic love and I think that can be correct although if that's all you have ever known its a bit difficult to call it toxic. My family life was enmeshed, morose and violent. Yet I had to believe on some level my parents loved me. Of course they also absolutely hated me and blamed me for everything.
I think when I got that blueprint of love/hate I learned that was a way to get some needs met.
Changing patterns is tremendously difficult.
I know I am only able to change them with the support of al anon.
Maresie
-- Edited by orchidlover on Monday 12th of December 2011 01:09:22 PM
