I'm new and I'm lonely - Al-Anon Family Group

Bargee · Veteran Member

I'm new and I'm lonely

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Good morning...

One thing you will find here is a very caring community...who have all either been where you are OR are currently in the same situation...that's what makes this board so helpful. We know the pain, the uncertainty, the crazy behavior that the A doesn't remember the next day....

Read the posts...ask questions... and know you are one of MANY millions of people who are in a relationship with an A. It is a tough row to hoe. But you CAN do it if you focus on taking care of you and that child -- a miracle...

I've gotten such good support here...keep coming back.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone although our situations may vary there are core emotions we all feel. Be gentle with yourself while you try and work through some of this. A great book is call Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew. It's a very short read with lots of information about dealing with living with an active A.

More importantly please keep coming back. You don't have to isolate yourself and can find much hope and support here on the boards.

Hugs P :)

danni · Senior Member

Welcome Bargee. I really feel for you and your lonliness and pain. I am so glad you found us here. When I was about to give birth to my second child ( I have a 2 and 5 yr old), my AH broke his promise of not drinking to insure he could be there in case I went into labor. I didn't have my baby that night, but I was again horrified by the broken promises and the extreme loneliness and anger I had to shoulder on my own. For me, face to face Al Anon meetings were a life saver. I was finally able to speak all my secrets out loud. I didn't have anyone in my life before Al Anon I felt i could honestly confide in about my husbands drinking, and the isolation and pretending with the rest of the word that my life and marriage were normal was very depressing. I also learned about alcoholism and ways of dealing with my situation that took me out of the "line of fire" when my husband was drinking. It made me feel crazy...all the broken promises, the ups and downs, the verbal abuse, the hopes dashed and fears realized....a year later, I am feeling much better and am able to be a better parent. Congratulations on your baby! you are not alone. please be gentle with yourself. you reached out for help, and help is here. Sending you lots of support and understanding today. Keep coming back.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I do care and you do have somewhere to turn to. Face to face Al-Anon meetings, get a sponsor, keep posting and reading on these boards. I used to have my happiness depend on my husband and what he was feeling or doing day to day. I don't do that any longer because of Al-Anon and my higher power who I finally stopped ignoring and started working with. Now my happiness depends on me... no one can take away my peace of mind unless i let them...my mood does not have to depend on what is going on around me... I try to stay out of everything that is not directly my business and my husband drinking or using is not my business any longer. I recommend you get to meetings and keep coming on these boards. So many people on here have been exactly where you are right now.. so many still are and can relate... just knowing you are not alone is crucial to build strength. Keep coming back.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you are here.

I can understand the issue of falling in love with the blinders on I think I wanted a relationship so much I made one up!

I suddenly had a realization last night after reading this board that of course it drives us insane living with an alcoholic the crazy behavior leads to dysfunctional behavior on our part. The reaction is pretty common place. I felt awful about my taking him back so many times for a long long time. The now ex A could manipulate very very well. I think that is how he has survived so much.

Now you are here, feel free to post all the time, join the chat room, go to meetings. Pull up a chair, this place can be a home for you for a while.

Maresie.

nyc018 · Senior Member

I'm glad you found us and please know you're not alone. You'll find a lot of people who've been through the same thing. I was in a similar position. My husband's drinking started to escalate right before our child was due, and he was particularly nasty right around the time he was born (what awful timing - right when you need your husband most). He also disappeared on me all night when the baby was very little.
I know how vulnerable you feel right now. Please know that it can, and will get better. You're gotten some great support here - and if you can make it to a f2f meeting, that will be very helpful too. I also highly recommend "Getting Them Sober." It got me through some very low points.
Most of all, congratulations on your baby. Please take care of yourself and your baby - remember your husband is an adult and he will ultimately need to take responsibility for his choices. When my husband left for hours, I just kept reminding myself "he's an adult." You and your baby need for you to be strong now. Sending you support, nyc

Bargee · Veteran Member

Thank you so so much.

Danni you hit the nail on the head for me. It's all the broken promises and that fact that when he makes more of them, as much as I want to, I just can't believe in him anymore and that kills me. He is my husband and I should be able to trust him with my life, but I can't.

Last night turned into the biggest nightmere and I don't know if we can survive this one.

He did come home which surprised me, but instead of appreciating it, for some reason I just got so so angry. I had been so scared the whole night that he wouldn't come home. I've been scared about the pregnancy a lot lately and have been needing support, but he's been so angry lately that I haven't been able to get it and I've been worried about myself and craving some comfort from my husband as I have extremely low iron. I may end up on complete bed rest if it doesn't come up, and I'm not the kind of person who could cope with complete bed rest. And to top it all off I was really upset that he was drinking. So when he got home instead of being happy/appreciative I told him to get away from me because he stunk of alcohol. I can't stand the smell of it any more. It takes me back to the worst of his drinking. He got all angry ( I don't particularly blame him for that) and said that he might as well have not bothered coming home. This made me so so angry. Please realise that up until tonight the last 9 months have been hell on me too and that I have given him so much support. This in not how I have reacted with his last 'slip ups'. I started yelling at him that he has thrown away months of hard work and wasted months of my life. I can't remember what else was yelled. Then I threw a teddy, which wasn't meant to hit him, but did. He started to call me names (which is one of the things that I truely hate). I told him that I would take the baby. I don't know why I said it. I was so so upset. I shouldn't have said it, but I was hurting and scared and not really thinking. He spat in my face and then the verbal abuse really started. I slapped him so hard in the face and after that all he would say is that it is over and that he wants nothing to do with me as well as every nasty name under the sun. I'm so ashamed of what I did and said and I will not excuse my behaviour. I don't want to lose him, but right now I'm finding it hard to love him also. There was other shit that was said. He texted me during the night to tell me he loved me and I just couldn't text him back and tell him that. I don't know why I couldn't. I just couldn't. He got pissed off about that too and again I dont' blame him. All I keep thinking is that I am a horrible horrilbe person. Some of the things, a lot of the things he said to me last night are true. I feel like the worst person in the world.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is an excellent book. I highly recommend reading it!! If you have One Day at a Time, Courage to Change, Hope for Today, all those are excellent reads and they have guides at the back to different subjects.

Keep coming back!

Bargee · Veteran Member

I think I have one of those last 3 that you mentioned.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Bargee, it sounds like in addition to all the pain you are going through with his drinking and the fact that you're soon having a baby (which is emotionally and physically overwhelming in and of itself), you are saddled needless guilt. You have every right to be angry at him - a man who spits in the face of his wife and verbally abuses her (when pregnant no less) doesn't deserve to be handled with kid gloves.
Somehow the alcoholic always tries to make us feel bad, even though we aren't the ones that initiate the chaos and crises. Over time and with the help of Alanon we can learn ways to react in these situations - ways that are less hurtful to us. But please don't beat up on yourself. Your priority now is staying healthy for your baby. You did nothing wrong, and you deserve to be gentle on yourself.

danni · Senior Member

Please try to be gentle on yourself. You are not "worst person in the world". You are in a painful, frightening situation, and you have reached out for help. One day at a time. This does not all have to be solved today. When I am severly overwhelmed, I look at the time. If it is 9:07 am, I ask myself, "Am I ok until 9:07 p.m.?...Do I have what I need to get through the next 12 hours?" The answer is always yes, and I leave it at that. I just don't let myself look past that for today. If 12 hours feels too long, I try 1 hour at a time, literally looking at the time and asking myself if I have what I need to be ok until 10:07 a.m...All of this at the end of a pregnancy sounds very difficult, and I really am glad for you and your baby that you are here. Continuing to send you lots of support and understanding.

Bargee · Veteran Member

Thank you so much. You guys have saved my sanity today. nyc018 I know what you mean about the guilt thing and how it always seems to end up being my fault. Somehow I always feel in the wrong at the end of it and I seem to end up the one saying sorry and begging for forgiveness.
danni I do the time with to help me get through my depression so I know what you mean. I will try and put it into practice today.

Are any of you in New Zealand?

ladysoblue · Veteran Member

Oh Bargee, I'm thinking of you and praying for you. You reacted in a very understandable and human way. You are not at all a terrible person, and you have been so incredibly patient. Please don't make yourself feel any worse... (Sorry, I'm in Canada.)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

If your computer is in New Zealand...we are there also. LOL...I get like that some times. ((((Bargee)))) I hope you locate the face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area. We are in the local telephone book under Al-Anon and I wasn't trying to get smart that time. That number will lead you to the meeting places and times we get together at in your town.

I relate to your post because it is a normal condition for the family, friends and spouses of Alcoholics. If you scroll back in time here to earlier post from others you will see that you are not alone by condition.

One of the things that helped me lots when I first got into Al-Anon and was "in love" with an alcoholic/addict who I married was from a sponsor who taught me to identify the difference between my wife and my alcoholic/addict. These are two distinctly different individuals. I had to know the difference so that I could not be confused for one and that I had a program to use when the alcoholic/addict was present. The program does major wonders on my behaviors when inter-reacting of responding to the alcoholic/addict.

Another thing I learned was that I wasn't in a loving situation. I was stuck in wanting to be in love or addicted to being love however what I was in and what I was going thru was the fartherest thing from love. I was always "wanting to be in love" and never there. I got away from being lonely when I learned how to love myself and like myself and liked being around me. I gave to me what the alcoholic/addict was not capable (while she was drunk or/and loaded) of offering me or anyone else.

We're here for you...Keep coming back and find that meeting. There is alot of very useful literature at the meetings.

(((((hugs))))) smile

ifa · Veteran Member

We all probably know how you are feeling. My closest relationships have been with men who seemed to turn into devils sometimes. One was an alcoholic, but the one I am in love with now doesn't drink. I think they go into some kind of altered state, or get possessed by demons, or something. Afterwards, they probably forget everything they said. They say whatever they can think of that will hurt you the most.

If we are the kind of person who needs approval, this kind of man can make us feel like we are worthless. Then, of course, they can turn around and be charming and loving.

Like you, every time I lost my mind and got angry, I felt terrible afterwards. I would feel like everything was all my fault. Don't be so hard on yourself, because living with an emotionally abusive person is very challenging and draining.

And, on the other hand, you probably have good reasons for loving him anyway. He probably is wonderful in many ways, so it would not be so easy to just forget him. Especially not when you are about to have a baby together.

No one can tell you the answer, and if someone does don't listen. Listen to yourself and your HP. I am just saying you are not alone and so many have experienced the same thing.

I don't have to think back very far to relive that feeling. He said horrible rejecting things and I spent the 4th of July weekend feeling like I was dying. But I rode my bike and sang heartbreak songs, and got through it ok.

I think we really need to have things in our lives that comfort us besides the abusive partner. Whatever happens with him, you will have your baby. Focus on your own life and your own happiness, and don't allow him to keep taking center stage in your life. Maybe that would be ok if he were not a sick person, but he is sick and therefore your life cannot revolve around him.

danni · Senior Member

I'm not in New Zealand, but this site keeps us all close! If you can get to a meeting in your area before the baby comes, it might be a comfort to have some face to face support as well. For me, there is something so special about giving and receiving compassion in person that I have come to find so healing. Regardless, we are here for you! hugs

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Bargie...sorry you are going through this. I also see your reaction as being pretty understandable. I mean who wants a drunk raging husband when you are 8 months pregnant? This is a time when support and love is really needed for you and the baby. Anyhow, the part about apologizing... You said you always wind up begging for forgiveness. There is a tool that may help which is to only own your part of this. When you apologize for his part, that causes resentment. So, maybe apologize for what you did, but try and be clear that you aren't apologizing for his being drunk and staying out late and abandoning his family.

Granted, this might not help change him at all, but it could help you from feeling comprimised.

Mark

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I Bargee, I hope you can find a face to face Al-anon meeting and a sponsor in time, ever since I started my self esteem just keeps growing. Going to an alcoholic to meet any of your needs is like going to the a hardware store for milk. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was a breath of fresh air for me. I am sending you love and support, take care of you and your baby!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Go to the web site of getting them sober and you can find chapters from the books that are free to read. That will help you until you can get your own book. We are from all over the world on this web site, but you are never alone. When some of us are sleeping, others are awake. Read all you can. What you are saying is so familier to all of us. We have all been there.

Take care of yourself and the new baby. Congratulations, by the way. A new baby is a wonderful thing!

Bargee · Veteran Member

Wow you guys are amazing. I have had moments this weekend where I really did think I was not going to get through this, this time.
ifa really hit the nail the head with saying that there are plenty of reasons that I want to stay with my Husband. I do so love him dearly when he is being his 'true' self and not the one 'possessed' by alcohol. I have not yet got up the courage to ask him wether he is 'planning' on carrying on drinking or if this was a 'blow out'. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to hear the answer yet. I will ask him though as this is something that I need to know. Does anyone else have this feeling, it's like I need to know what to sort of expect.

He came 'right' as in stopped being shitty with me at about lunch time yesterday and then when I was quiet (from no sleep and just plain out right sadness) he kept telling me to "cheer up" God I just felt like nutting off at him and telling him that he was the main cause of it all and to just leave me the hell alone. I didn't as I knew it just wasn't a productive response. I'm struggling a bit with my depression and stuff at the moment too. I only came off my meds when I found out I was pregnant, so it's been a huge adjustment for me and at the moment I'm finding it tough and Husband is next to useless for the support I need right now so I'm feeling terribly alone. I had a talk to Mum and told her that I needed her support and that I was feeling very uncared for. I also told Husband this, but I don't think it really registered. I might try again in a few days. He used to be so loving and supportive, but well just lately it's all been about him!!!

When I said sorry to him for slapping him (for about the thousandth time) he basically said that the reason he spat in my face was because I slapped him!! There goes that alcoholic memory again I guess because it sure as hell was the other way around. I would never have slapped him for no reason!! Anyway he seemed to think he had done nothing wrong. He has sort of apologised now, but it's taken till today (Sunday) for him to do so and it was a pretty pathetic apology. I guess I should just appreciate that though. Hmmm, it just doesn't feel enough.

Today he is acting like everything is normal, which is normal for him. Like we just forget anything ever happened. And in part I do agree with that to an extent, but I would really appreciate some extra loving today.

I have been to one Al Anon meeting before, but found it really hard. I was the youngest there by far and there were only 5 people. My anxiety made it really hard as well as my sadness in what I was living with. So I never went back and then he got "well" and I thought there was no need. But you have all convinced me that maybe I should give it another go.

Thanks for all the support this weekend. I have appreciated it all so much.

danni · Senior Member

I'm so glad you are finding this site helpful. I, too, went to a face to face meeting once a few years ago, and I just wasn't ready, and then my husband's controlled his drinking for a while. In the meantime, we had our second baby and then things started getting out of control again, and I finally went to a meeting, because I had no where else to turn and I was at the end of my rope. I felt like I was going to have a breakdown (I was once hospitalized and for a long time was on meds--this was before I met my husband). This time, it took, and I am so grateful. The program wisely suggest trying six different meetings before deciding if it is right for you. At first I was very uncomfortable, but with time, I did start to feel better. You'll know when you're ready and what is right for you.

I understand wanting to know what your husband plans to do with his drinking, but in my experience, it has only been frustrating and disappointing to trust the promises my AH has made. I really believe he means it when he say it, but I have learned enough about alcoholism to protect myself from believing either self proclaimed declarations from him or agreements made at my "request". He simply is incapable of being trusted in that regard right not. Finally letting go of placing my well being or sense of security on whether he says he is going to drink or not has been a relief.

Hope this helps. hugs!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Agree with Danni. An active drinker will state they intend to quit and they will really mean it and still won't stop, but the disease is very powerful...and it is not until you seem them DOING things in recovery that it is even partially believable they will stop. This would mean - going to AA, reading literature, calling a sponsor. Once alcoholism has progressed to a certain level, it needs to be countered with drastic changes in attitudes and behaviors in order to be treated.

Bargee · Veteran Member

Hi all,
Just me back with another moan. Sorry.
So after 4 days of not drinking my Husband comes home with a 6 pack of beer. Yeah I know I should count myself lucky that it was only 6. But it all starts somewhere right. The thing was though, tonight just happened to be a night where I had a friend coming over for tea, so he knew very well that I couldn't get in a flap about it. He didn't even tell me he had bought them, just stood in the corner of the kitchen and opened one. I didn't even notice straight away. To me this seemed decietful. Later when I tried to talk to him about it and I mentioned about how it was odd that it just so happened to be the one night I had a mate over (which is very rare for me). He got defensive straight away. I was not nagging at him or anything. Just trying to discuss it with him. He made this big deal about how he stopped after 3 and yeah I think that's great and all that, but I'm absolutely beside myself with fright. I'm so so scared. Our baby is not too far away now and I don't want to go back to that terrible state of living. When I tried to tell him I was scared all he said was "well it should be me that is scared". I appreciate that and I try to support him with that. Anyway he just got so angry. That kind of angry he gets when he's had a drink or two. He said "I'm not even drunk". I don't think he realises how much he changes after only one.

I am definately going to go to a meeting.

I'm so scared.

danni · Senior Member

Hi Bargee. You don't need to be sorry for having understandable feelings and taking care of yourself by sharing them. It IS scary and confusing, especially with the extra challenge of a baby coming very soon. It will be ok, one way or another. One day at a time. What you described sounds so familiar to me. After a certain point, even one beer made me extremely anxious and nervous. The hiss of the can opening, or the clink of ice...It almost didn't matter if it was a little or a lot, the fact that it WAS made me feel crazy. My reactions, whether spoken or kept to myself were out of control. My AH still drinks sometimes, and I am extremely grateful that one year later (after finding al anon), it has gotten much easier for me to handle. A slogan that really speaks to me sometimes is "Let is begin with me". I learned that often, the spouse or partner decides to make changes and get healthy FIRST. Though my AH still drinks, he is changing...it is impossible for things to stay the way they were now that I am learning how to take care of myself in this situation. Will he ever find sobriety? I don't know. But I do know that things are getting better. Sending you lots of support!

Bargee · Veteran Member

Danni thank you so much.
One of the things that keeps going through my head is how do I leave him, when I love him so much. Sometimes I wish I had never met him. The pain is just so great. The smell of alcohol, beer in particular, makes me so anxious, even if it's not Husband that is drinking it and then once I feel like that it's like I lose control. When it's someone else I can usually calm myself,k but when it's H it's so much harder. There is all this anticipation about what is going to happen and how the night is going to turn out and whether I'll end up being yelled at and abused by the demon that my H becomes. It's nice to hear that you and your H are still togehter. Can I ask a question though? Are you happy? Do you still love him like you did when you married him? How do you keep from going to pieces? Ok so that's more than one question. If you don't want to answer that's fine.

I love him so much and I'm so scared of losing him, but I just feel so lost. He's changed the last couple of weeks and I am feel very lonley in our marriage.

I opened the fridge this morning and all that I could see were his 3 cans of beer. I just started crying and I felt so sick and anxious. I don't feel like I am coping. I really need my husband.

danni · Senior Member

Hi Bargee, Sending you a private message.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.