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I grew up with an alcoholic father. Spent a lot of nights pretending to be asleep but afraid to do so because I wasnt sure what was going to happen next and a lot of days trying to anticipate when things were going to go off the rails. I worshiped my dad when he wasnt drunk and feared and hated him when he was. After an especially bad night I wrote my dad the most hate filled letter I could at my young age, and the next day he went to his first AA meeting. Since then Ive worked through a lot of the fear, resentment and anger especially towards my father.Ive come to terms with being around other people who drink responsibly and for the most part its not much of an issue in my social life.Initially I wasnt capable of dating anyone who drank, but Ive gotten to a point where I began to see that as a possibility.
I now find myself in a relationship with a great girl who drinks on occasion, and find myself affected by it far more strongly than Ive been affected by drinking in recent years. Something about the particular intimacy and closeness I feel with this person magnifies the effects of my aversion. I guess Im not sure how to let alcohol be so close to me in my life again. I find myself anxious, scared and emotional not of any particular issue or scenario but in general.I have trouble thinking straight when it comes to issue around alcohol, throw in the dynamics of a relationship and I find myself confused and lost. Shes only gotten drunk once while weve been dating, and it really left me upset. She feels no need to drink to that level and has no problem in avoiding getting that way in the future, but cant give up drinking entirely because its an important part of how she socializes with some of her friends. She feels to give it up entirely would lead her to resent me, because shes not doing anything wrong and therefore shouldnt have to changes. I know that shes not trying to hurt me with her drinking, she does it because she enjoys it and has no compulsion regarding it, but I instinctively find myself on the defensive. Shes open to not drinking around me, though Im not sure if that will just lead me to feeling more isolated and remove from her regarding alcohol.Shes open to taking a break from drinking if I need some time to clear my head and not feel so emotionally sensitized for a time, as long as I dont ask her to stop during the holidays.
I think (I hope?) that I can get to a point where Im okay with her drinking as a part of some other activity, dinner out, etc. Im not sure how to approach the issue of activities where the point is to drink, e.g. pub crawls, etc.
Im not even sure what it is Im asking, or looking for. I just wanted to get this out there.
For me, alcohol triggers my PTSD...the smell of it, particularly on someones body and breath -- just naturally puts me in hyper-alert mode...waiting for bad things to happen...and then, once I'm all triggered...it's hard to back it down and relax and have a good time...
People who don't have scary histories with alcohol (maybe your gf?) -- just don't get it...I remember someone asking me, when my A, after 6 years of sobriety ordered a scotch/rocks,...."what is YOUR problem?" because I went into a full blown panic attack...this person didn't understand that alcohol=danger for me.
lots of choices ahead of you, but the first is to ALLOW yourself your feelings...accept them....and keep coming back...
I'm told talking to the ol' higher power about it helps too
Wow join the club. I left an alcoholic almost 5 years ago. I have a lot of trust issues around drinking. I work with people who drink, I go to none of their social occasions. I have tried to date but I am afraid I have little or no trust when it comes to people drinking. Of course the now ex A used drugs more than he drank but drinking was a large part of it.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family and it has been hard going to grieve, let go and learn better habits. I admire you for being so forthright about it.
I don't think there is anything wrong with being uncomfortable. I also don't think there is any thing wrong with having a reaction. I view my own distrust and reactions as pretty normal. Why force something that isn't there. I threw trust at people before. I basically turned my whole life over to them. Now I am far more distant and I like that. I'm not willing to be devastated again.
I think its wonderful you are reaching out and willing to explore issues. So few people are.
@rehprof - I'm the same way. I'm not sure I'll ever get over the smell. In a lot of ways I really appreciate the culture surrounding alcohol. So I think it's interesting to go on tours of wineries for the architecture and scenery but if I have to deal with the smell too long my skin starts to crawl. I think my GF is doing a great job without really understanding exactly where I'm coming from. She has had trouble with anxiety, so I think she appreciates the nature of the feelings just not the triggers to it. I'm just left feeling that while she's willing to compromise, she doesn't want to change her behaviour (she's told me as such) and that since my response is not rational I should learn to accept her. I'm doing what I can, I'm not sure how far I can go.
@rrid - Agreed. I quite honestly didn't think this would be an issue for me, but I find that I've never felt the same way about another person. So there is the fact that I find myself feeling distinctly closer to this person which at the moment is unique for me. Perhaps in the long run I just learn from this experience and look for someone I can feel close to but not be triggered by.
@orchidlover - Agreed. I just want to get to a place where I'm comfortable in general with the relationship. I'm not sure if I can ever get to a point where some discomfort won't be triggered. I don't want the trust issues, anxiety, etc to spread to other parts of the relationship and lead me to resentment.
Hi there, I am not sure if I could ever date someone who drank regularly because I don't want to be around it after my life thus far. Only you know what you can and want to handle in your current situation. Have you attended any Al-anon face to face meetings or read the book "Getting Them Sober"? Two great ways to work on your self and open up your awareness while gaining new tools. Keep coming back.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The main purpose of going to bars is socializing, not drinking. For non-alcoholics, alcohol seems to work as some sort of social lubricant of sorts. Alchoholics, ACOAs, and Alanoners are going to have different perceptions due to our histories and trauma surrounding alcohol.
For a good long while Alchohol was evil, bars were evil. I have now reduced it to Alcohol was/is evil for me to ingest. I can't hang around alcholics, but being around regular drinkers does not bother me.
Xenther, "To thine own self be true." If you don't want to be in a relationship where alcohol is such a focus, then you might need to find a new relationship. If you really think her drinking patterns are not a problem and that the problem is your reaction, then maybe that is something for you to work on for your own sake and to have better relationships.
Again, no right answer here. Pros and cons for looking at it both ways.
