"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

kris10 · Senior Member

When in doubt...type it out???

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think better when I type it out.

You are NOT stupid

Think of where you are now, as compared to where you were when you first came.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and you have a plan for you, that's wonderful!!!

HUGS!!!!!!!

danni · Senior Member

It has been an honor to witness your process and growth. Sending you support whatever and whenever you decide. hugs

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

"There's nothing in this for me!" This was something I said to myself many many MANY times - I was working more hours than I should have, cleaning peoples toilets, scrubbing floors, driving, exhausted at the end of every day and unable to stay asleep while he was drinking beer, spending gas and complaining things weren't his way all the time. He would go off and golf with his buddy, go play pool (an excuse to drink beer), go fishing, etc. while I worked and then at home he expected me to cook, clean, and fetch him whatever because he was tired from playing???? And, I was never the one he chose to go out and play with. If there had been that I might have taken it longer. I know that I took it because I remembered the quiet gentle-mannered man that I fell in love with - I thought if only..... if only he could find a good job, if only he'd not go out to this or that friends (because the beer drinking started at noon), if only....

More and more I said - there's nothing in this for me - until it finally sunk all the way in. I'm still tired because I work too much, and still can't sleep because my body is too used to waking up in the middle of the night but I'm no longer cleaning up his messes. I feel for you Kristen, to have the panic attacks and agoraphobia, wish I knew an answer, all I can do is sympathize. Now what is in it for me is the peace to sit in my quiet house at night and enjoy my space, my way.

rosielee · Senior Member

honey- been there and got the tee shirt. my ex was a H addict too. nothing would induce me to go through it again. and i know about the love part too- so yu are even getting that- which really takes the biscuit!!!LOL

amills4294 · Senior Member

This is a great thread and very relevant for my situation. I am so thankful for this board. Kris - I understand your feelings - oh tooo well. But you have awareness and that is fantastic and you have tools and people here that you can lean on. Keep typing it out. PLEASE!

likemyheart - I love your quote "There's nothing in this for me!"

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm scared too. we are are so programmed to think we need a partner to be whole...and I have no idea how to function without a man in my life -- which is why I stayed in a bad marriage for a LONG time...and now compromise my needs just to be with someone, anyone...who will give me attention and affection...despite my intuition screaming that this situation doesn't feel 100% right.

It's scary. lets send good juju out into the world to all the folks in this boat.

nyc018 · Senior Member

You're showing a lot of bravery and self-knowledge by writing out your thoughts so candidly. Regardless of what decisions are ultimately made, it is is always better to make them once we see things the way they are, and not just as we want them to be. Just the fact that you are aware and have come to the acceptances you've noted shows a tremendous amount of growth. Sending you esh, nyc

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

One time I found myself alone in the mountains. My first husband died and my A who back then was not my husband took me and my kids in. I was like you, terrified to be alone.

He was doing heroin. I had no idea of this. Anyway he did leave us up there. I was so lonely and scared I sat by the phone and prayed it would ring.

Now I find I have lived alone most of my life, now here I am again.

It does take doing it to be ok. You have the opportunity to work on it. Counseling was what helped me.

Looked at what I was afraid would happen and protect myself. Figure out how to make myself feel better. Go to more meetings, join something, volunteer somewhere, have friends over.

I loved him all my life, love is never enough,not ever. it was toxic for me. Having a parasite hanging on me held me back. I don't do parasites.

Glad you are here and so open and honest!!! hugs,debilyn

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

i think its pretty hard to let go. by the end of the ex A and I there was certainly nothing but hardship for me. At the same time i held on for dear life.

I had to make a plan be in order to detach enough to plan it out. I also had to really get out so many of my feelings because certainly he was not responding to any of them. Anything less than total acceptance was a red flag to him. He came up with more and more hair brained schemes, moving hundreds of miles, making up jobs he never didn't get...

I don't take leaving lightly. I know I found it very very hard to let go. That's one reason I hold back from relationships because it is very easy for me to get in them and very hard for me to get out.

maresie.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not stupid. Its better to write it out and share it than to hold it inside you.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I really like your title "when in doubt, type it out".... It helps support the tried and true tool of journalling, as when we write things out - it helps make sense of things, and we kinda have to be more honest with ourselves...

When examining my (then) relationship, which was my marriage to my A - I found that the "toxic love" tool was incredibly helpful. If you Google the words "toxic love", it will show you an awesome list of the differences between real/true love, and toxic love. That list helped me a lot, if only to help me understand what I was really striving for...

Take care

T

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

canadianguy wrote:
I really like your title "when in doubt, type it out".... It helps support the tried and true tool of journalling, as when we write things out - it helps make sense of things, and we kinda have to be more honest with ourselves...
When examining my (then) relationship, which was my marriage to my A - I found that the "toxic love" tool was incredibly helpful. If you Google the words "toxic love", it will show you an awesome list of the differences between real/true love, and toxic love. That list helped me a lot, if only to help me understand what I was really striving for...
Take care
T

I just googled that, I don't know if we're allowed to reprint something like that, especially b/c it's most likely copyrighted, but that was excellent!!!

kris10 · Senior Member

Canadianguy- wow that was a good one on toxic love!! Thanks for that! I do have to say.. There is ALOT in this for me.... Just not this relationship... But if he stays or if he goes... There is still ALOT in this life for me!! I have an amazing son!! He is my heart!! And with him, there is alot for me!! Or even just with myself... There is sooo much just in myself for me!!! I dont always see it but I'd like to think I'm a pretty awesome chick!!!! Thanks everyone!!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

What wonderful growth Kristen, .. whatever you do or don't do you know you will be supported.

Hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Kristen, your insights are spot on. Objectively, it might help to seek treatment for the panic disorder and agoraphobia regardless of your BF. He is not the medicine or treatment for that problem. CTB exposure response prevention and other things would be much higher on the list. He might be adding to your overall anxiety as a matter of fact.

I have always had a fear of being alone and only recently have made lots of progress with it. I do understand clinging to a bad relationship cuz it seems better than no relationship.

Mark

-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 8th of December 2011 08:51:51 PM

kris10 · Senior Member

Pinkchip-

I have been working with a counselor for my anxiety and agoraphobia for the past ..... well almost 2 years I think!!! I've come along way!! I used to be totally house bound and now I'm NOT!!! I do agree that all this stress is adding to the anxiety.. I see it and feel it.. Detatching helps alot!!

Doozy · Senior Member

Great thread here. I feel for you kristen. You are in such a tough position, but are showing a lot of openness and awareness that sounds good to me. I know I got to the point where I was thinking some of those same things in my relationship that just ended. I have a panic disorder too, not the same, but it gives me some taste of what that must be like for you. I felt ok dealing with it with my ex, and feel afraid to reveal that part of me to someone new, but I will and it will be ok. In any case, it's better even to be on my own than stay in that relationship. I have no great words of wisdom, but I do think it can and will get better for you. Wishing you lots of strength and faith right now, whatever you decide it's right for you.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Love the title of your post by the way. That is what I do when I am in doubt, write it out and call my sponsor. The answers may not come all at once. But the weight of the stuff in my head is reduced when I pour it all out on paper.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would add that in just a couple of months I have observed you come quite a ways with all of this. It's inspiring actually....even though I know it's gutwrenching for you.

kris10 · Senior Member

thanks! Yes gutwrenching but all of this helps....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"