Slogging through depression - Al-Anon Family Group

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Slogging through depression

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

hi i have also been where you are and my brain tricks me into believing all kinds off negative crazy stuff. my solutions

dont sit on the bed in silence and listen to it.

pick up the phone to another member or sponsor

read some al anon literature

watch a funny film

go out with friends even when i do not want to

i have to fight against it feed my brain as much positive dstuff i can to turn it around.

and the most important conect with hp and ask for his help and guidance.

hope you feel better soon hugs tracy xxx

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

"Failure to keep a man happy = failure as a woman"

sounds like head trash, and like Tracy said don't sit in bed in silence and listen to it.

Recognizing is the first step, ODAT, and you ordered the light, wonderful!!!

I'm reading my way through Courage to Change, when something in particular comes up I flip to the back and look up that topic, this helps me!!!

rosielee · Senior Member

no- dont worry- the feminist in me isnt going to jump onto what you said- you were being honest- and i really think this is just so commn in women...what with all the marketing and advertising- we have been used to sell everything known to man- so when we cant keep a man- it must be our hair- or our boob size...the way we are in bed. its none of these things...but a factor of many stuff. your man has proobably played on this,,in order to shift all the blame on you. I can guarantee- in a few months time- yull start to see clarity and realise what a loser he was and what on earth were you doing with him??????thats how far you will go...... you will realise you deserved better- and settled for what you knew wasnt good enough for you anyways...as you thought you couldnt get better. this low selt esteem was probably fostering way befor you met this man anyways.

its all an illusion- we are only as beautiful as we think we are and as we feel. men fall for that radiant smile....and i can guarantee that super models feel the same problem as you...loo at that woman.....demi moore with the toy boy.....she is a super dooper actress who earns millions and she spends millions on her looks and her man went off...

if they are going to go- doesnt matter who they are.,,they will go. and it all comes down to compatibility.....plus other things such as whether the man is a gentle gracious loyal man or not.

rosielee · Senior Member

write down on a piece of paper "it didnt work out- you werent compatible" simple as. and keep looking at that piece of paper- everytime you get into a phase of self loathing. i bet you had an absent Dad like me too yeah?

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((Rehprof))

I'm slowly working my way out of that mindset. It's not easy separating ourselves when we've taken them and their problems on in such an embracing way. Sometimes it's us, sometimes it's them, sometimes a little of both, sometimes it's the situation; it doesn't necessarily mean it's anyone's fault.

I can take a look at my part and decide how I would want to be in the next relationship. I look, in hindsight, to see if I've missed any signs that I wasn't on the same page- if we both were seeking the same things, felt the same way at the same time, etc. I'll review if his actions, thoughts, and deeds were in alignment, and if mine were, as well.

I just ended a relationship with a wonderful man...probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had. Although I enjoyed his company so much, his situation changed and was no longer able to continue to grow the relationship with me. I had given it enough time and then discussed it with him. I need to be true to myself and not compromise large issues. I want to be in a relationship with someone who can fully engage and share common goals. It is my hope that by freeing myself, I can then be open to my HP bringing someone just as wonderful who is ready and can adore me.

When the negative 'tapes' start playing in my head, I visualize a stop sign and redirect my thinking. Being as it's been less than a week, I allow for some wallow time, but I limit it so it doesn't engulf my day or start spinning out into something where I beat myself up.

It may be about who I am, but it is also about who he is and where we are in life.

This has given me pause to reflect on my exHA, mine and his roles then and now. I'm working on rebuilding my self-esteem. I used to feel like such a failure, now I feel like we're two people struggling with our own paths.

danni · Senior Member

I have lived through and survived horrible emotional darkness. It does get better. Sending you lots and lots of support and compassion as you walk, run, or even tiptoe through it. Easy does it. hugs

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey my experience is this, I hated my negative self talk. I did not talk to anyone else like that so why me.

If I ever got one of those icky thoughts, I said STOP and said you are ok just how you are. I NEVER hear neg talk in my head anymore. And yes have been down there in the I don't want to be here anymore. But realized it was I don't want thing to belike they are anymore.

I learned to say, do not be hard on you. You are doing your best. You smell nice, you are pretty, feminine, intelligent, not perfect but no one is. You can be stubborn but playful. You love hard. I learned who I was.

I don't care if I am wrong. Its so easy to admit. Who cares!

Anyway please look into your heart and find that beautiful woman you are.

love,deb

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know that I ever felt that my feminity was on the line. I know I got to such a point where I denied that I was worthwhile.

My whole self worth was tied up in being in a relationship and having a significant other. I felt rejected, isolated and devastated.

No one here is going to take your inventory. I wouldnt' dream of saying its wonderful to be alone. I would love to have a relationship with someone kind, supportive and caring. I don't know how to be precise. I also know that I absolutely cannot have another relationship with a substance abuser. I would rather be alone or rather it is for me far far worse than being alone.

I had profound abandonment issues because I was abused as a child. I felt like I was absolutely lost to the world. Making friends here has helped me so much in coming to terms with being alone. I can't say there is a blue print to creating a life without a significant other. I do know that having people around who know me, appreciate me and celebrate my recovery has been so so key to me.

Maresie.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The best relationships come when both parties are making themselves happy and then enjoying the time together. The whole bit about making a man happy and vice versa is a codependent trap. I stand to lose much less if I am happy with myself first and then share that with someone else. Now I am not judging you at all Rehprof...This is all so easy to say and hard to do. And break ups are very difficult and devastating sometimes. You have gotten lots of good feedback though already and you will inevitably be stronger from getting through this.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

What would you do for your best friend right now. What would you say to her? How would you help her?
Are we not our own best friend?

I know its hard right now because right now you don't even like yourself let alone think you are worth a best friend, even if it is yourself.... I get low like you are right now.... Its a horrible place. You don't want to die per se but you don't want to live either.

Please don't give him any more of your power. The power belongs to the universe, we should only draw from it, not give it away to another person.

You are ok and things will get better. This too shall pass. I really do wish I could just give you a big hug right now.

Its alright.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the things I have learned in this program is that nobody can MAKE somebody else happy. Period. One person is just not that powerful. I know I cannot make someone else feel anything good, bad, or otherwise. Feelings come from within, not from other people. The cool thing about that is that my feelings are not at the mercy of other people either. I don't have to wait for someone else to make me happy, or run from those who make me sad because they don't own my emotions. I do. That was a huge relief for me to learn.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Great thread and we've had threads on the past on depression so you can search it out here and get more and more support from them. I had to learn a lot about depression and depression and me so there was the program and the meetings and the literature and sponsor and the counselor also. One thing I found out while working with the counselor and talking about longterm (from childhood) depression was that I was dysthymic...makes sense to have a life long low grade depression that runs itself; turns itself on and off (like alcoholism) and gets more prevalent as the person ages. Grateful for that diagnosis because after last months (to the day) beat down by the police the dysthymia has been flipping on and off like a disco lamp. I also learned that depression was "anger turned inward" and when I was able to go after the "whatz itz about me that made me angry", and work on those with the program and the tools of the program like acceptance and forgiveness and mercy and grace I lightened up on myself and started giving my self the margins I needed and usually gave to others in my life who were in my imagination "out there" or "loosing it". It works when you work it.

Also working on the relationship with my Higher Power who loves me unconditionally and accepts me totally no matter what..."the master grace and mercy and margin giver" I learned to also love myself unconditionally. I still work on that consistently as the residuals of the disease at time come back to my front door and hang around waiting to drag me thru the swamp.

I also have to watch for PTSD which is that state of alertness of waiting for the next shoe to drop (as in the police beat down) and which tires my entire being often to the edge of depression...physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. I am also a double; a member of the other program, and with my inventory work I learned that alcohol is a chemical depressant and so there were times when I depressed my depression with that chemical and also times I almost never survived it.

I am soooo grateful to my HP and the program for the grace and margin and mercy to have one day at a time with openmindedness to learn and learn more so that I can continue to live happy like I've always wanted.

Great thread...(((((hugs))))) smile

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I think when a relationship breaks up, it's common for both people feel deficient. Now, I wouldn't have agreed with that statement when I first got separated and then divorced. (I was in denial of my feelings about myself.) However, after about a year I fell apart. I was "clinically depressed."

During that time, I discovered that I had a lot of believes that weren't serving me well. I slowly began to realize my self-worth and that I'm perfectly imperfect. I became very comfortable being alone with me, myself & I. I now know I can be happy with or without a significant other. That is priceless.

After my breakdown, I got to pick up the pieces that I wanted to keep.

I realize that you might be experiencing some of your darkest days. But remember, there is the sun above all those dark clouds. Be willing to be open to the idea that you are worth it; that you have value. Seek out whatever you think will help you. Experiment. I did. I found what works for me.

It can get better. Truly it can.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.