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One really big characteristic of my last relationship with the ex A (I have not had many since then so that is about it!) was that I rushed in. I rushed in without thinking who I was getting involved with.
Up into now I have not really taken that much responsibility for my part in it. Of course he snowed me with attention, deeds (he was always so willing to help them) and lies (he painted a very miserable picture of his last relationship which had no bearing on the facts).
One of my good girlfriends actually broke up our freindship over the fact I rushed in. I was non plussed and could not understand her anger and anxiety. I was also a little miffed that she would hold me responsible. Me, Miss over responsibility responsible for my own pain? What?
Today a few years on, almost five to be precise, the urge to rush in is certainly still there when I'm lonely, angry, tired as I certainly am right now. I'm working retail and really that's about it doing that kind of work, lonely, angry and tired and low wages too. I want some gallant stranger to whisk me up, come to my rescue and provide it all. Of course I am no longer willing to step in and do the work that would entail, making myself too available, giving too much, letting go of all my boundaries. Risking so so much.
For most of my life I was all too willing. I wanted the end of loneliness, feeling left out, feeling hurt and wanted someone to share my life with. What I got most of the time was a huge dollop of pain. I risked having relationships with bosses ( my former husband (no 2 to be be precise) roommates (the ex A was not the only one), co workers (generally that was a disaster), internet dating (I moved 100 miles to be with one of those and he already had a girlfriend!), musicians, writers, guys who were already married (they said they were separated), taxi drivers (they were taking me somewhere so why no go out with them!, Friends of boyfriends, Friends of friends (that made for a lot of intrigue), friends of acquaintances (far less drama!), 12 step members (that meant I could no longer go to the meetings they went to (more drama).
In general I flung myself into a relationship because I basically didn't know how to have a boundary, wait till I knew someone, wait some more and look for signs of problems. If there was a problem after all I believed I could fix it all. I just had to not feel lonely anymore.
This year I will certainly have a lonely Christmas. I have nothing much planned but I do have a plan of how to not feel so abandoned and alone. I also have plans of how to not abandon myself anymore because I do feel lonely but I'm no longer willing to risk my life ( I did that more times than I can count!) and invite chaos into it. I lived, ate and slept chaos most of my life why continue?
I always felt it was either all or nothing. Either be in a relationship and fix it or be alone and feel devastated. Now I know there is an inbetween, getting to know people, make assessments, make a decision rather than throw myself into it. I can have a relationship at some point but my whole life won't revolve around them and their problems. I can exist outside of them.
I can't really imagine a better Christmas present to myself than that.
Thanks for sharing your ESH. Great post! This will be my first Christmas alone. I'm going to take some of your suggest and create a plan so that I don't feel abandoned or alone and vulnerable. Peace...
Thanks for posting, Maresie. It looks like there will be a few of us alone for Christmas together. I'm not sure exactly what my plan will be, but I'll be sure to have some good food and do something that makes me feel good. I'll look on the internet for special holiday meetings in my area incase if I get lonely.
Rehprof- For me, it seems the black and white thinking develops more shades of color the more I define and hold my boundaries and exercise compassion (including for myself). Some days are more of a struggle than others.
If I rush into a relationship before I am repaired it insures failure. I must be responsible for myself and my emotions. If I rely on a relationship to fix me it is like having someone else do my homework. So what would I have learned for the long run?
Christmas alone? Last year I spent Christmas with over 200 deserving people. I will be working at the same soup kitchen after church this year. If you decide to do this may I suggest you pack all your prejudices and take them with you. Watch them melt when the first person hugs you and when the first children walk in.
Love it and I will also be alone for Christmas, but without drama. I am learning to even embrace meeting my own needs. Great awareness Maresie! Great post! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I could have written this whole post (except maybe for the taxi drivers ). I was so excited about finding the end of the problem that I jumped at everyone thinking that was it. It is so hard to look at our part in it, but so helpful. This post helped me a lot.
I'm too exhausted from working retail to do much over christmas besides the pretty minimal plan I have to guide me through the day. Ironically enough I have had to embrace pretty much the same issues as so many of us have with alcoholics. My expectations are low, my plan includes a b and a c and I expect no one to come through for me...except me. I am hanging my hat on no one but myself this year.
That was such an awesome post and I can identify with it fully...having had 5 different long term relationships now and not a lot of single time in between. Yes - what you described has been a major problem of mine too. I did get more picky though this last time and have moved much slower. Usually, I'm moved in by 4 or 5 months. No living together this time and it's been 15 months. I'm actually my own person, much more whole and a whole lot less needy.
I got a great deal from your post Maresie. Much respect for your progress.
Amen sister! I hear you and have made some of those mistakes myself. I see it now and understand my part. I am really focused on healing and avoiding those mistakes again in the future. My new mantra is take it SLOW!
I love this and can relate to it so much. Thank you for sharing your esh!!! Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
wtg! It sounds as if you are committed in your resolve to prioritize YOU first which I learned was the first terrifying step in learning to be emotional available to myself which was precisely what I had been avoiding all along. We pick emotionally unavailable people because this is what we grew up with, its familiar and the known.
Putting you first, committing to YOU and being there for you as an (health care) advocate is how I looked at it. I promised me to be my own best friend, put my needs first, put my boundaries and self respect first -- then everything else fell into place. The issue is that I learn to cope, that I be okay no matter what happens because 1) I will be, I will continue to survive and 2) no one (will) care about me more than I need to care about myself, so why not love, be kind to and care about me in a (more) healthy and responsible way.
This I found out is healthy because if we dont have basic self-preservation we are surely treating ourselves as if we are disposable. Learning to set boundaries and not rescue people (bc u are busy rescuing & changing yourself) bc you are able to stay behind your boundaries is the beginning to discovering more of your self worth, self respect, self esteem, triggers, deal breakers and grace.
We are the only ones that can know these things about us. If we dont stand up for us - we fall for anyone. My boundaries allowed me to stand up for and by me and learn to become my own best friend and not rely on getting my needs met through other people. I meet my own needs.
Now during this time, keep practicing how to keep yourself present and happily occupied with you, your own interests, life, program, forgiving the past, developing new interests and passions. It is about learning to ease, cope and take care of yourself emotionally getting to intimately know and understand the real you within, the real you you are evr becomming and bringing out.
Rushing was one of the first things I (too) noticed about my (sick) behavior. The impatience was an issue, I had to face it, accept it and feel it before I could work on letting it go/changing it. I would work so hard to "create" something, some false intimacy, some manufactured and forced moment.
The truth is, those relationships left me feeling so empty - I found it easy and comforting to actually deal with me (by contrast/comparison) to being with people terrified of knowing themselves and being honest.
Your life is what you make of it, it has so much to do with attitude and perspective. The holidays are the same. It isnt about consumerism, those people that only focus on the superficial aspects of the holiday are left feeling empty. The way I view life, spiritually with most of all of the religious aspects out of my life, I feel more connected to god than ever - that is bc I have made it have meaning for and to me and it isnt about everyone else.
My bf often says he, "hates the holidays and cant wait for them to be over" and I detach from it entirely. I LOVE the holidays and for me they are about family, food, music, love, nature and god - it is also about compassion and not hurting or harming anyone or anything (Im a vegetarian) and that is a huge influencer in my life, perspective and attitude. I do what allows me to have my own self resepct and have meaning - it is not about society or others. Its about love and if others dont get it or they dont want to be joyful that is their problem.
I will continue to move away from (follow the consequences to my own boundaries) negativity, un-kindness, dis-respect & abuse. I will continue to manifest more of what I focus on and I will continue to have my own emotional identity, autonomy & health becuase if I dont it will kill me, literally. My program is my way of life and I am the only one I can control and change. It all requires hp/god, my actions of faith, my own focus, my willingness to connect with god and let go what I have no control over, which is practically everything!
Keep working it and make the holidays about you, whether you want to do nothing or be spirited. The light is in your heart - it is about soul, love, forgiveness, transformation, gratitude, loving kindness -- be sure to do it for you first, then extend it to others. It is ok if u are too tired to pretend to or extend it to others bc the meaning is much deeper than most people want to delve. Some people like their denial and would rather pretend then be real. I am grateful I am honest about myself today and in my relationships. I do not take it for granted either, being honest is hard work that is worth it. You are worth it and more! Keep practicing what you are doing, keep analyzing the awkward feelings (control or lack of it), acknowledge it, accept it and begin to let it go - what we cling to takes us down. Besides, the awkward feelings are a reflection of the growth and it will pass as you embrace it.
It is also ok to take time alone, get to know you and not date at all for periods of time. I took 8 months off of dating and focused on program. Early dating boundaries are so important to have and they help weed out the men who are not emotionally available/healthy. I was VERY sensitive to being controlled and if I heard onem iota about them criticizing me (in the first 6 dates) I definetely didnt see them again. Accept me or dont and if you dont- I know you arent healthy.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you all for your great feedback. I wanted to let you know you all make me feel so included when all I felt was excluded most of my life.
My life is far from happy. I'm poor, working retail and looking for work (not a good time in December). I have many many stressors. They have changed since I left the ex A but the effects of living with an alcoholic are certainly with me. Boundaries, attitude and sharing are so essential to my recovery.
). I was so excited about finding the end of the problem that I jumped at everyone thinking that was it. It is so hard to look at our part in it, but so helpful. This post helped me a lot.