How do you get through tough moments/hours/days? - Al-Anon Family Group

jessicat · Member

How do you get through tough moments/hours/days?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Jessicat, that sounds like depression piling up on you. I have been to therapist and been put on meds when I get to that point of being so miserable I cannot function. I am NOT saying that is for sure an answer for you, but it has been for me.

Now....I still get like that sometimes even with therapy and antidepressants so what do I do then? Some of what you are doing which is reaching out for help...going to meetings. I exercise and that forcibly takes my mind off problems. I call my sponsor. I pray. I may talk to family members.

I also take deep breaths and remember that there were other times I felt the world was pretty bleak and I got through those times. Much of the time depression results from feeling hopeless and helpless about a situation. Maybe you can find your hope through shifting your thinking a bit. While you don't seem to have hope about the marriage right now, that doesn't mean you have no hope at all in life. You can have hope that you will know how to make the right decision when the time comes and that there is enough enjoyment in your life to just take it day by day for now.

nyc018 · Senior Member

I have been through times like this - many times. I can assure you - it will pass. All the crappy, awful times I've been through, when I felt utterly hopeless - they were temporary. Your pain is too. It may seem unbearable now, but you will get to a point where it is better.
Try to focus on what you need to do right now. Delay the anxiety and push the bad thoughts to the back. You don't have to make any big decisions right now and you don't know how things will eventually unfold. That's why One Day at a Time is so important.
Most of all you are not alone - we've all been through this. As bad as it feels right now, know that you will come out of it,
In support, nyc

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been EXACTLY where you are just a few weeks ago. What I did was number 1 surrounded myself by postive people on my free times.. friends who are understanding, al-anon meetings, talking with people after, and my sponsor. number 2 i prayed to God and thanked him for my humility and brining me down to earth. I pray for his will. Number 3 i make lists of what I am grateful for starting with running water, clothes, cereal with milk, air to breathe. I know what you are going throgh and it is hard to get out of the tornado in your brain, I have been there... but it is possible and you will get there. One day at a time. It helped me alot to say today my decision is to make no decision as well.. which helped alot. read some of my old blogs.. they may help you, since our situations are alike. hang in there, jessicat, youre worth serenity and God loves you.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I am feeling that way right now...crying nonstop, cant make my brain work..

I am risking shame, but I just started telling people that I am clinically depressed and I need help. I called in the troops and said I can't do this. I have to eat, rest, and get some minimal work done, and even that seems insurmountable.

I am without hope. I am living one minute at a time. and though I am told things will get better, I'm not feeling it.

I also am ordering a 10000 lux sad light, which you can get for $150...and I'm told that helps.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I reached out like you have done. I emailed my close friends who have known from the start what my story is.

I actually took a day from work this past July, it was the day I contemplated leaving. I went to talk to my MIL. As we talked I realized that I had to confront my AH (when he was sober). I had not once in the weeks since our wedding stood up to him.

I haven't had to take a day since then but there have certainly been days when my day at work was less then productive because I was having to reach for help.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Read Al-Anon literature! That's what I did to get myself centered. I read a lot, every day. I read the ODAT, and the 12 &12, and How Al-Anon Works, and the Forum, and anything else I could get. If you don't have these, find a phone # of a member and borrow them or pick up some free pamphlets at a meeting to read. There is a ton of literature. Use it. Read, read, read, and read some more. Then call a member and go have coffee at lunchtime. You need lots of support right now to help you work through this.

Oh and not making a decision about the marriage is a good thing. I couldn't make good decision about much of anything when I felt like you are feeling right now. When I did start to see some clarity, I just decided to stay married for today. I knew that tomorrow could be a different story, but I could stay married just for today.

Take life in small bites right now. It's what you can handle. Try not to look too hard at the big picture as it is overwhelming. I pray for guidance to just do the next right thing, even if that's only to go blow my nose and wash my face. LOL Sometimes the next right thing isn't something big, its just next and right. Start with the little things and slowly the bigger things will seem smaller as your serenity and confidence grows.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You will get through this.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I just had a spiraling episode myself and what helped me the most was to immerse myself into my Al-anon program, books, meetings and calling my sponsor. Sending you love and support!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate well to that kind of pain and anxiety.

I think it was one of the crucial steps in surrendering. All my own tools no longer worked.

I am glad you are here. Of course there is help out there, therapy, sponsors, meetings. Getting to them when you are in such pain is a real ordeal.

One step at a time you will climb out of this time.

maresie.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I have had many moments like that and at the time I am so grateful for the door on my office.

I came to this board just as you did. I read and read and read and cried. and thought. and read. and cried more.

I look back and think it was a cleansing, it was a transition and a stage of grief. I was at my bottom for sure and the only way out was up.

I did it for several days over several weeks.

This too shall pass.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I specialize in getting through tough moments, hours and days.... how do I do it? One moment at a time, one hour at a time, and one day at a time.

When I get stuck in the rough times, it simply means I'm stuck inside my head.. trying to figure it out, fix it, shuffle it around to try to make it make sense, fault find, live in silent anger... the thoughts are rampet, the feelings are overwhelming...

What I found works best for me... is to take 5 minutes, throw as much mental energy at it as I can... til I'm sure, that doing this, living in the "yuk" of it all, isn't working or getting me anywhere, and then...

I do what my sponsor told me to do a long time ago...

"if you want to change a thought.. move a muscle"

Do the next right thing...

What is the next right thing?

It might be simply taking the trash out side, checking the air in my tires, running a vaccum... writing a letter to God, then burning it so it goes to Him in smoke, (kinda like UPS) and He reasembles in upon arrival and reads it..

Do anything but sit there and entertain the insanity going on between my ears...

I have never thought my way out of a depression... sitting there thinking about everything I'm depressed about, or fearful of... doesn't change it, it only energizes it..

I have to move my body...

John

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Jess life is full of tie times that are hard and we still have to work etc.

For me work was great as I told myself all you have to do is work, think about work, be at work. If the other bolony came in I immediately thought about work.

as far as the house< got into cleaning and all I thought about was the cleaning. If I could only do half the dishes and just sweep, cool. was not hard on me.

I learned to have good healthy cooked food around. As I knew cooking all time was out.

I might cook up a big stir fry, spegetti and eat it for days. fine with me. I felt so bad it was just fuel.

Got me nice jammies, made sure I was comfortable. I treated myself as I would someone else to make me feel better.

If I had important things to do. I did them then rested. ONE day at a time. seriously one day.

Myself I read the Bible, talk to hp who is Jehovah for me. I remind myself how everything will be ok.

Heck ya it hurt! mine left me starving living with nothing. I had to rent the house out.

so think about YOU and what you need. Nothing wrong with crying. If you have sick leave, take it. I take lots of naps too.

come here, we care., If you have people that you feel comfy and loved by, go hang on on their couch!

hugs honey,debilyn

ifa · Veteran Member

When I'm going through bad times I pray a lot more. I think of it as my HP trying to get my attention. When things are going well I might forget to pray. And I also continue doing the things I love, which includes exercise and practicing music. Even if I don't feel like doing anything, I do them anyway.

But I think what is most important is praying. I am going through a hard time now with my job. I am spending a lot of time alone because I don't feel like talking to almost anyone I know. I feel like being alone with my HP.

Sometimes when going through bad times I ask my HP "why are you torturing me again?" But he knows that I know he is trying to teach me. It just feels like torture sometimes.

I am staying positive at work no matter what. I pray and concentrate on my job. I keep sliding into bad thoughts, but I climb back out of them. I can't afford to feel any anger or pride. Just faith and hope. Things work out. Your HP will make sure of that as long as you trust and hope.

Minaret · Veteran Member

Jessicat,
Wow, can I relate to your post so much. Lots of hugs to you. I still go to work some days and have a hard time holding it together. If you can take a day off to be alone and just go somewhere peaceful to think, that's what I'd suggest. I do that a lot now. I have a place in the woods that I call "my secret place." I will never tell AH where it is.

During my marriage's worst moments, I cried a lot in my office and accomplished nothing work wise...I also couldn't seem to do anything in the house, unless I was angry, then I could really do the dishes well!! Lol..... Once my AH came home one night drunk from the neighbors, angry as hell, shouting at the top of his lungs that our DD (18 months at the time) had been raped by the neighbor boy (11 at the time) and he was going to "kill the son of a bitch.". this was so frightening and emotional that it took me several days to realize nothing happened, but I called in sick to work the next day, crying on the phone to my boss (who I can tell doesn't think AH has a drinking problem and also doesn't have children) and was totally unsupportive on the phone.

AH also used to wake me up during the weeknight after he'd been at the neighbors drunk until 1 am, asking for sex. I would insist that he could go out if he wanted, but he couldnt wake me up when he got home during a work night expecting we to answer to him, but he would anyway. He would pass out, and I would be up all night, worrying, thinking about everything, and be a wreck at work the next day. Luckily, that doesn't happen anymore. He is still drinking, but a lot less, but the tense, scary moments are more infrequent. However, now if I had one similar to "our DD was raped" story, I would leave. I will not put up with that anymore. It's not healthy for us. I am starting to realize how important it is to protect and nurture myself.

I'm sorry there is not much ESH in this, just know that I understand what you are going through and I will be thinking of you. You can PM me any time. I don't always have the opportunity to go on this site unless I am at work (with I often do feel guilty about, but oh well).

Minaret

jessicat · Member

Everyone, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I've been reading your posts several times a day and they do help.

It's so hard being with an active addict. My husband is an awesome guy who has always been there for me, has always lifted me up, and has made me a better person. He is a functioning alcoholic/pot smoker who still goes to work every day, comes home every night, and still does everything I ask of him. It's impossible to imagine leaving him when he is so functional, but the knowledge of what's going on when I'm not looking is killing me.

Although he's functional, I live in fear that his addiction is far worse than what I know about. For all I know, he is getting high before, during, and after work. I just can't imagine this is true, but I also think it must be. I just do not understand it. He has everything to lose - an incredible job that pays well, our beautiful home, a wife who loves him, his future with me...part of me wants to run before it all comes crashing down around us and another part of me wants to stay so I can be there if he comes through. The irony is that the only scenario I can imagine that would force him to change is if it DID come crashing down around us. Me leaving won't make him stop, so if I leave I have to be prepared for that. And I'm not.

I love him and I don't want to leave, but I'm terrified of the future. Why can't I be with someone whose future is bright and filled with promise? Why must being with the person to whom I'm committed mean that I have to give up my own dreams?

-- Edited by jessicat on Thursday 8th of December 2011 09:12:49 AM

mehere80 · Member

Oh, Jessica I am where you are. It's a hard place to be. Keep reading the Al-Anon literature, get to meetings, use the phone list. When they say that the answers will come, and that your thinking will become clearer it is SOOO true, at least for me. Just a couple of weeks ago I had no idea what to do with my marriage, was exhausted from contemplating it every waking minute. I came into Al-Anon an agnostic (?) I suppose, but my sponsor encouraged me to "turn it over" and that it's ok to be an agnostic but just figure out the higher power part as best as I can, then turn the problem over to that HP when you've done all you can do with it and can't do anything with it anymore.

So, I gave this a try. Within a week, I was getting I guess what were ?signs? I don't know what to call it, but definate moments that were meaningful, powerful, and made complete sense to me. I started to feel like my head wasn't so foggy anymore, and I also knew exactly what I need to do. The answer for me, right now is to let my marriage go and head towards separating. So now, I'm grieving-- and it's so hard-- and I cry every day for my children and what they'll have to face-- but I also know I'm doing what I have to do and for the first time in a long time I'm not questioning my every thought, every decision. I'm much more certain now. And it is sad, but it's growth. There is a piece of my heart that will remain open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, one day we'll come back together and have that marriage I've always wanted and needed. I know, though that no matter what I'm going to be ok.

When the time is right, you'll know what to do and until then it's ok to just not do anything besides take care of yourself and make yourself stronger. The answers will come, and that sounded corny to me at first but I know now that they will, and are. You're in an uncomfortable place, no arguing that. Try turning it over. Try taking it out of your hands and picture handing the problem over to something so powerful and wise. Good luck to you, sweetie.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Three weeks ago I felt the same way.. but Ive come to the realization while working the steps that nothing is guaranteed in this life.. all I have is this day. My husband got out of rehab yesterday and I spent the entire day with him. I did not say one negative thing and I did not ask him any questions about his addiction etc... we talked spiritually and about our love for eachother. I have realized through working steps 4-7 dilligently that my focus needs to be on myself rather than him. I quit taking his inventory and started taking my own. The thing I really understand and can relate to you about is that my husband also treats me as if I'm gold in every other aspect than the fact that while swirling in his addiction he lied to and manipulated me. I mean this man who swears he loves me would look me dead in the eye and would lie.. he lied on the way into the er laying on a gurney after a drug overdose.. he was still saying he did not use that day and still lying.. this is how powerful addiction is and alcoholism is the same. I know my husband's heart and quite frankly it does not matter what anyone else thinks of the decision i make because my decisions are between me and my HP. So nothing is guaranteed in this life and love is the most important component for a hapy life; love for my HP, love for myself, and love for others, in that order, in my opinion... therefore today I choose to rely on my HP and myself for happiness and serenity, I don't bank my happiness on my AH when before I did. Before I internalized his choices, I felt his pain, I was embarrassed by his decisions, I was sad when he was sad. I have learned in Al-Anon that no one, not even the man I stood on an alter with and took vows to, can take my peace of mind.. unless I allow him to.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

mehere80, you took the words out of my mouth.. i too have experienced "coincidences" that are NOT coincidences and I truly know that. I also came into al-anon an agnostic and now have deep true faith in a power greater than myself.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

The definition of addiction is to keep on doing something despite the consequences. There are many alcoholics who function and who get by for such a long time. I think that why the series "
Mad Men" is such a hit because by and large they are all functioning alcoholics in so many ways.

The ex A functioned for quite a while. He held down jobs, brought in money, payed bills, bought things, he seemed to go right along with his addiciton. Eventually things got worse.

Some people do plateau out at a point where they can manage. Others go down hill quickly. There is no guarantee which or what or when.

I do know that for so many of us living around an active alcoholic involves significant heart ache, worry, anxiety and fear. I lived, ate and breathed that for so long. Recently when I lived in a house with a few of them the same sense of fear often pervaded my life. There is no knowing when the shoe will drop.

I am so glad you are here and able to reach out and take care of yourself.

maresie.

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