need some serious support - Al-Anon Family Group

_heather_ · Member

need some serious support

jessicat · Member

Heather, I'm so sorry. I am going through something similar to you. My AH isn't in the hospital, but I'm feeling that intense pain of realizing that my dreams are shattered, my marriage isn't what I thought it was, and the man I married 7 years ago isn't the man I'm married to today. I made a conscious choice to trust him last year when I found out about his drug use, and now I'm dealing with the consequences of that choice. I'm hurt beyond description and terrified of where my life is headed.

I don't know what to say to you because this is still so new to me. I have no words of wisdom and hardly know what support and encouragement to give because I'm still trying to figure that out myself.

I do know that you're not alone, for what it's worth.

(HUGS)

Jadie · Veteran Member

I hope you manage to get to a meeting soon. What has happened is all part of the roller coaster of addiction.

I work had to keep the focus on me and try not to take the actions of the A personally. Easier said than done at times and this is where f2f helps me keep things on an even keel.

We can't expect 'normal' actions when addiction is active.

I understand your hurt and confusion.

Keep coming back

(((hugs))))

Jadie x

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand COMPLETLEY!!! My therapist tells me I need to grieve the life that I thought I would have and then accept that this life can still be a great one.. even better, if i allow it to be. When you say you thought life would be a fairytale... me TOO!! but it was only going to be that way if my husband did and said all the things i wanted him too... and this is unrealistic because i was asking God for MY WILL BE DONE instead of accepting God's will for me. Through Al-Anon and my therapy I have come to a much better place. I have let go of my anger and resentment toward my AH, remembering always that although it was him who lied and manipulated me.. he was enslaved by the illness at the time. I know his heart and he knows mine and I love my AH unconditionally. That being said, it is time to detach with love and this is what I have been working on. Happiness comes from within, I remember, and this does not mean I won't feel cheated or sad, hurt, frustrated, manipulated and angry... but that I can feel these, recognize them.. let them go and allow myself happiness. I have Let Go of the situation with my AH and Let God, for I know I did not cause it and I can't cure or control it. I have given it to God completely and all the hard times that follow with that process... but I'm hopeful that despite whether he uses or drinks.. or not.. I can be happy and I can still love him because I know the real him and alcholism/addiction IS a disease.

There is always hope when the alcoholic/addict is still breathing. . . I remember how grateful I am for the hardships I have faced because I now can say I have faith in God and I owe that faith to my AH and Al-Anon.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Life is never a fairy tale Heather....not for rich people...beautiful people...sober people.. With that said, all the horrible things happening right sound like they have you spinning and about to lose it.

Deep breath - You did get over your trust issues with your ex right? No new situation has to send you backwards. You will cope with this little by little and with the support of others and your HP. It is going to be fine. I can recall trying to visit my ex-A partner in the hospital after he tried to overdose on pills and I was told visiting hours are over. I was sitting out there in the parking lot with a bag of his clothes and some things he had phoned to ask for. I just started bawling and that was one of my lowest moments ever... but it was just a moment and that whole time period and the whole relationship that seemed like my world at the time is now not the same at all.

This too shall pass.

Mark

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

wow.. I too am grieving a life I thought COULD be...divorcing my AH, and my bf and I just broke up....crying so hard I can't see....I need to accept what IS..in my case..I will be without a partner....gawd, I just don't want it to be forever.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Being involved with any person with addiction issues is a trial. You can go from one chaotic situation to the next and NEVER stop the spiral. You can have a very full, rich life being involved with a person of this type if you apply the principles of Alanon to your life. Read your literature, take deep breaths and decide what YOU are going to do to make YOUR life better. You can not control their lives, do not even try. Study the 12 steps and apply them to your life.... it DOES work if you work it. Keep coming back.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.... It's about learning to dance in the rain.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think its called enmeshment. I never felt like I was alone in the relationship with the ex A he always had other people in there to buffer it all out. There was always intrigue, lies, drama, isolation and feeling left out. Of course I took it all tremendously personally and had some ideal about relationships I wanted to match. I never got to the ideal.

Now I get to be the ideal person I wanted to be, responsible (just for me) health conscious (its very stressful living around an alcoholic).

If you don't have the book Getting them Sober, get a copy. Expectations around an active alcoholic need to be viewed very carefully.

You are in the right place reaching out to al anon.

I'm glad you are here. You don't need to be alone with all this.

Maresie.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

hi
I am sorry you are going through this.
I do not really know the current relationship with you and your husband. I can tell you a little story about my ex husband.
We had been separated a few years at this stage, I have remarried.
He got very sick and nearly died. I did not know until he was in the intensive care unit and they gave him only a few hours to live. He had contracted a disease from a mosquito and it iwas a very rare strain.
I work at the hospital as a Nurse. I have known him for 15 years all together. His friends do not know many things about him. At the time I was told about his illness, they did not know what was wrong with him.
I wanted to see him, He had been a major part of my life. I was told by a friend thankfully who knew I would be concerned. I rang ICU and wanted to visit my exhusband. He emphatically said NO. He apparently said some things that were distasteful, and the Nurse explained this due to the brain swelling, he is not speaking normally. I said that he was in fact speaking normally. I told the doctor about some risks that no one else would have known.
My point. I was so very upset. He hated me that much that I could not even see him on his death bed literally. I was hurt.
The woman that was there, I knew he was having an affair with, he was when we were together, it was her husband that told me about the illness and the situation.
It hurt deep.

It was also the catalyst I needed.

When he survived, and he was rehabilitating, not able to speak properly etc. he stayed with that same couple in their house. I learned to never again offer any assistance.

I am not saying this is the situation with your husband, however, it is what it is. It hurts. But ... this too shall pass

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Heather my AH was at mommys, od'ed on heroin. Paramedics had to bust down her bathroom door to get him. He was rushed to hospital and they had to zap him back.

Was bad NO ONE called me. I was very much his wife then. All I can say heather is they are totally dyfunctional, they want control over the A. I bet she is not nice to you, you took her baby away.

For him to call parents and he is a married adult, that shows how sick he is. Mine used to get out of a problem and go to mommies house. every dang time. He was in an accident. Instead of coming home, he went to mommies.

I do know how you feel. I am so sad for you. I had not been married that long either. But knew him all my life.

I know you hurt! Nope marriage to an A is nothing like being married to a non A. I am glad you are in Al Anon. It is up to you if you want to cont. to live like this and if he cont. it will get worse.

Its so cool how you said you wanted to go to a meeting.

hugs,debilyn

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

The best thing I did for me and my marriage was to begin attending face to face meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps. I was willing to do whatever she asked of me inorder to get out of the fog I felt I was in.

For me I love someone who has the disease of alcoholism, which is cunning, baffeling, and powerful. I was living my life reacting all over the place. I often felt like I was on the defense always waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Alanon changed that for me. I worked the steps with my sponsor (and still do) and gained a new perspective on my life. It took willingness, honesty, and an open mind to begin focusing on myself and cease trying to change them.

I am so glad you are here. Please keep coming back and sharing.

In support,

Tommye

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.