I have to admit I am surprised by how great this visit was, it was a LOT of fun to be out here with my mom.  I think I ate my way through much of the city good grief there went another 20lbs!  It was worth it!!  I miss the food, the culture, the diversity, the sights and the smells.  It was so nice not to smell burning soy and corn for once and get hit with the fresh salt air on the beach.  I will even miss my mom and NO ONE is allowed to tell her that, I will never hear the end of it. 

I took a ton of pictures it was so great to see my great aunt.  She is still in there it saddens me to know that she sits in her room in the dark most of the time with the tv on with no sound.  I caught glimpses of her from time to time as we visited.  The last time I saw her I was in my 30's and now I"m in my 40's it was shocking for her I'm sure to rationalize that I'm so much older now.  She turned 90 this summer.  I wish she had a different relationship with her sister, they never came to a peaceful end together and it was a lot to think about. 

The visit with my mom, .. wow.  What a difference.  I'm sure it helped it was just us and I wasn't being pulled in 900 directions.  I want that for her visit out with us during my normal crazy life, that's when I know I will be healing on an amazing level.  I'm not a vocally emotional person (crying doesn't come easy and yet I know it's ok to do it) and this time leaving is going to be 10x harder than it was the last time.  I didn't feel anything really, this time my walls are down and I'm not trying to put them up either.  It is kind of scary to be that emotionally vulnerable.  This time I'm not trying to make my mom be something she isn't .. maybe she could the real reality is I never let her.  I was to scared.  That has been a great epiphany in my trip this time.  Right now I know it won't be another 3 years before we see each other and it's ok. 

Dr Phil was on in the house, .. LOL .. for us this is like yelling FIRE and staying in the room as it burns. She called the daughters on the show brats which I did point out the mother was not taking any kind of responsibility and my mom said ohhh see it now.  I felt a little uncomfortable about the subject matter it hit kind of close to home and I didn't know how she was going to react to it.  It was ok .. I think it was ok because I didn't react to it.  Under past issues I would have said some pretty pointed things, she would have gotten defensive and the show would have been forgotten and we would have been off and running in our normal dysfunctional pattern.  Instead I held my breath, .. remembered to breathe and didn't make any comments.  It was really on me not to press those buttons. 

I had the opportunity to go to some meetings out here .. LOL .. I will be the first to say I did manipulate the situation .. however it worked and my mom was in ultra control mode.  LOL .. it was pretty funny actually.  She figured out on this trip that she can do what she's going to do and I"m going to do what I need to do and be as respectful about it as I can, I should say my motives are not those of disrespect. 

I truly encourage anyone who is going to be out of town from their normal alanon meeting to go and visit other meetings.  It was a wonderful way to meet people and see how other meetings are conducted.  It was sheer fun.  The meetings helped me during this visit as well they really put the positive back in me AND it helped keep me up to date on my readings which is always a good thing. 

The trip was ripe with funny stories, something about my karma and cars .. LOL .. at least it wasn't a truck!!  I know a LOT had to do with my attitude coming in and seeing my mom as she is and not what I made her into in my mind.  It's not to say that my past was right in any way, however it's never going to change and something Dr Phil said was and I've heard this before from some wise people, is that as long as someone lives in the past they don't have a future.  Yes, it sucked, I can only change how I conduct myself in the present which gives me a much brighter future. 

I feel hopeful not crushed and oppressed, now granted I don't think I could be living out here daily with her .. LOL .. neither of us is prepared for that end of things.  I can do this a trip at a time and each trip doesn't have to be drama filled with negative, it can be fun, happy and I don't have to rob myself of my mom to make a point of how crappy my childhood was, .. I'm a grownup now and it doesn't have to rule my life anymore. 

I am anxious to see my hubby and the kids, it's going to be hard to stay over night before flying out the next day .. booooo.  I am going to be happy to be home again.  I am happy/sad to be leaving here too. 

Thanks for letting me share   P :)