Stuck - Al-Anon Family Group

_heather_ · Member

Stuck

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I am hoping that it will show you that can both be better people with the help of this program and the clarity that it offers.
Thats great you are talking.
Why do you feel you are stuck? You are at the start of a fantastic journey. You have the opportunity to communicate with your partner without the stress of every day life living together. You have the opportunity to see what actions he is going to change and you have the time to work on yourself also.
Talk is great, now watch for the walk.
For me, I have stopped listening to promises because they are constantly broken. My husband has stopped making promises because I tell him he just breaks them and he said that I was asking him for promises he couldn't keep. I didn't understand that statement but I took it on board.
So.. promises are just words until you see the changes.
I hope you see this not as being stuck, but as starting a new path.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember he has an incuralbe disease. He will always be an A. A's have symptoms they could have the rest of their lives.

The whole point is to love him, be with him as is, his disease is his own. Use your tools to do this. '

If you cannot live with him as is, then we maybe need to look at other options. hugs! good progress using your noodle! love,debilyn

_heather_ · Member

It's not an incurable disease....he has the ability to turn his life around and get on the right track. I understand that he will always identify as an alcoholic but just because he's an alcoholic doesn't mean he has to drink.

He knows that he has an immense support system but he's not willing to take the necessary steps to get himself the help he needs. I do accept him as he is but I don't have to choose to live my life that way. I can't just put the blinders on and pretend that our life is great. It's hard to live one day at a time when we are trying to plan our future together and children are a topic of interest. I can't even think of having children and bringing them into the world while he is still an active A. So what do I do? Put my life on hold until he can get it together?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

That's someting only you can decide Heather, it is like cancer in the sense that the disease goes into remission however just like cancer it is always there on the fringes and it CAN come back. He WILL always be an addict it's just if he's active or in a program of recovery which he will always have to have in his life.

If you accept all of him, this is also a part of him you have to accept as well. He may get it together as you describe and never drink again or he may have to have a program such as AA in his life in order for him to keep it together. You didn't cause, you won't control and you won't cure him.

Hugs, I know it's a hard process to get, however this is part of alanon is admitting we are powerless over the addiction just like our qualifiers are. Yes, he always has the option of the first drink, after he takes that first drink the drink takes him.

P :)

Take what you like and leave the rest.

sookie · Senior Member

Hi Heather,
I am in a similar situation--separated, still supporting each other emotionally, but not willing to make/accept promises about ever going back because I also feel it will be the same (lying, arguing, fear-based everything, blah). BUT I am trying to accept that I do not need all the answers right now--just taking it day by day is OK and working on myself. And I also think for the better part of this year he was doing just about everything to appease me and really just going through the motions...lately it seems to be sinking in that perhaps his marriage is not a prize he gets at the end of recovery. It will sink in.

I am just Letting him go down his own path to (hopefully) recovery (which hasn't been a straight path so far. But I am in a better place than when he was here--and we DO have kids, which made it gut wrenching to ask him to leave. But remove his alcoholism and he is the best father and husband I could ever hope for...major problem is not ever really being able to remove the alcoholism.

So again, I think "There will be an answer. Let it be" and I just kind of wait to see how it unfolds, knowing I am OK now and in a better place, which much thanks to this program. And I can be a better parent to my kids with the energy I gain back from not obsessing over how drunk he is.

Best wishes....!!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

It's not an incurable disease....he has the ability to turn his life around and get on the right track. I understand that he will always identify as an alcoholic but just because he's an alcoholic doesn't mean he has to drink

I am hearing a bit of frustration and anger in this statement and that is perfectly expected. Unfortunately it is a chronic disease, and a chronic relapsing disease. There are too many medical personnell employed in the area to not believe that it is an illness, including addiction specialists. It is an illness that can be controlled and monitored. The twist is, that one of the elements of the illness is denial and lack of insight. That does not mean that neurobiology is not real.

I understand your sentiments. The reality is that there is no 'cure', there is only management. It is up to us if we decide to stay living with the active person who is not seeking management, or if we decide this is not what we can put up with. For me, it depends on the displayed symptoms.

To put it into a different perspective. I had a baby with a paranoid schizophrenic man. He was very very mentally ill. Multiple long term hospitalisations and both auditory and visual hallucinations. When he was well, and managing his illness, he was a wonderful man. Unfortunately again, alot of that illness holds denial and stigma. He frequently chose to cease his medication. After about 18 months, I could no longer live like that. The day to day struggle was too much for me. He would not accept his illness and not maintain his 'sobriety' for want of a better word. We separated. Our daughter died so we did not have that connection to stay in touch, and I often think of him and how he is going. I loved him very much. He is/was sick.

I now live with a cannabis addict. I have married this man because he is amazing. His behaviours at time drive me insane.. literally.. but I know at this stage, I can live with that. What he does is again not his fault. He maintained abstinence in the past. He doesn't now. I know he doesn't want to be an addict, but he loves pot. What can he do. That is his choice. Do I want to live with pot.. nope.. but I do love my husband and for now, his illness is manageable for me. That may change one day.

A friend of mine was marrried to a woman who developed MS during pregnancy. She deteriorated quickly. He could not cope and he left her and the child. I am sure he loved her, but the illness was too much for him.

I have another friend who stayed with her very sick boyfriend during a plethora of operations and transplants. She felt too guilty to leave. He died last month and she is just living again, she is smiling and walking taller.

Why do I say all of this? It is a disease unfortunately, and you are right.... he will always be alcoholic and it is his choice to drink or not. It is our choice about what we are going to do and if we are willing to live with the illness in our midst.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Lindaoakford wrote:
Why do I say all of this? It is a disease unfortunately, and you are right.... he will always be alcoholic and it is his choice to drink or not. It is our choice about what we are going to do and if we are willing to live with the illness in our midst.

We all have choices. There are no musts. Our responsibility is to decide what we are going to do, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we most certainly can't cure it. Hugs!!!!! Such a very very difficult situation and there is no easy button.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.