The material presented
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i was on the receiving end of my mums verbal and physical abuse from an early age- thrugh to my teens and then into my twenties and early thirties.
you react to criticism and negativity when you are too yung to know better- and in yur teens you deffinitely do...but somewhere along the lines it dawned on me- if i didnt show a reaction- and if i didnt let her push my buttons then her bullying might stop.
its no different to the school bully who pick on kids who react and show their hurt- im afriad to say- it works n the exact same premise.
so as soon as i showed no reaction- my mum slowly stopped doing it.
why did she do it? i think she got drowned out by her sickness and her negativity was like a disease she had to spread on others-- but the real truth i will never figure out.
if you get criticisms- insults- slights.....it is all an attempt to push your button- and as soon as you dont let it be pushed- it will begin to stop.
i started to say things...like "well- you know what, i could really a give a toss...im WAY past caring what you think"
even now...if my mum gets locked into negative thinking...which she is prone to do soemtimes- but nowhere near on the scale she used to...id say..."do i look bothered?" and shell have a laugh...and ill say again..." do i look as though i have cared about what i am wearing?" and she will say..."well...not really" and we will both laugh and ill say...well leave it alone then"! its good she can now laugh at herself and we can both be friends. but it didnt used to be that way..it used to be button pushing on a daily- obsessive rate.
her husband- bless him- who is a bit slow...even he sussed it and started to say...." yes dear...." as if he doesnt give a frig.
when my mum used to be really cutting and spiteful, one of my favourite ones was speaking back to her in a baby voice....." listen....to....me......" and it maks her realise that she is acting with the mind of a three year old.
well, it was easy to do in the end- as my mum was bad- as vile and as abusive as you can get.
if they are borderline....like nice most of the time- but suddenly catching yu unawares with a nasty one...or nasty- but not quite nasty enough for you to detach...then you must still show no concern over it
its sick behaviour and its futile and extremely childish and shouldnt be given a reaction.
so next time your qualifier is having a go at you over the way you look- what youve just said or whatever.....just remember its to push your button- so dont fall for it- so they stop ding it again- and again- and again.
the button pushing is very clever too- they will find things with ring of truth in them...so you cant feel you can deny it- you can as its sick behaviour. ignore it and eventually it does start to go...take it from me
Oh thank you for this. It is exactly what I needed to read, and the bit I 've been searching for today. The small bit of truth doesn't make the sweeping statement true. Oh thank you so much!
I agree with your assessment. And yes it is like dealing with a child. My 2 year old hits me sometimes - when I yell "No" he just does it more. When I ignore it, he gets bored with it and stops.
Not reacting is the most effective way to disarm someone on the warpath. It just takes the wind out of their sails. It is an exercise in self control, but it does work. Thanks for the share.
The night before Thanksgiving my AH was spinning spinning and throwing all these words into my mouth (theoretically) and I just stood and looked at him. He finally stated "aren't you going to say anything?". I said "why you are saying it all for me". That stopped him in his tracks.
After that there was calm. I still felt on gaurd and I addressed him the next morning, but by standing my ground I watched the situation diffuse.
Rosielee, not sure if you know, but there are also support boards for family and friends of people living with BPD.
As I have many of the traits as you know, all I can say is that listening to you talk of your mother makes me very glad I did not have chldren when I was younger and really much worse than I am now. I have been told it gets a bit better with age if one with BPD does not suicide which is about 10% of people with the illness will do so.
Currently with my psych I am learning emotional regulation. It is sooooo hard. My trigger to get help was my husband telling me he is sick of walking on eggshells. I know how bad that is becasue I did it for most of my life. As you know, most people with BPD were abused in the past and I often feel like I am walking on eggshells with myself. Never know what mood I am going to be in or what will trigger off a tirade of hate (which I now identify as fear).
I am sorry that you had to go through this with your Mum.
Linda...i come one here to get things off my chest about my mum- who has BPD- unfortunately i dont mention the good stuff so much. i sympathise totally with your situation and just because i have been one the receiving end of the BPD rage...doesnt mean to say Im not sympathetic. please dont think there is no hope... my mum and I now have a good laugh...she says she is too old for agro and is concentrating on whats important...maybe it take a while for a BPD person to realise this? may i respectfully say this? i think BPD is a pain of an illness, but if someone is willing to move on from it- there is chance of a full recovery from it. I actually read some forums of BPD members- and there is a ton of growth coming frm there...so dont feel you have to be stuck with an emotional illness forever as i really dnt think this is the case. you have my full support-
My whole family can be verbally abusive. I grew up living that.
I did not have a frame to put it in. So I have tended to feel comfortable around high levels of abuse because of course it was like the air, it went with the territory
Detaching is a really difficult task. Sometimes it means getting as much emotional space as I can.
I often feel many jobs are verbally abusive. I work in retail and every day its meet this goal, that goal the other goal. There is never a good job. Great team work. Its always not good enough. What? I find it very draining.
