The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I are separated, but remain in close contact. Hes in AA and has a sponsor. Hes been sober since his last binge drove him insane (but to 2 week rehab) 3+ months ago.
This binge also led to him to losing his job - a very good job that he worked hard to get. He'd only been there 10 months. However, while he admits he drank himself out of his job, he still tends to blame the long hours and stress of the job on his drinking (as if he wouldn't drink otherwise).
His career has always been a sticking point with us. I was always ahead of him in that respect, and this caused problems. Hes had some hard knocks and bad luck in the past due to no fault of his own. That was until his last job, which he promptly frittered away due to his drinking. He has only himself to blame for that.
Hes back on the job search, and just called to tell me he has an interview this week. Ive always been in the role of "advisor" to him careerwise. Prepping him for interviews, helping him search for positions, and staying on top of all his job efforts. Since our separation and his getting fired, I decided that I am no longer going to play this role. My helping him didnt matter. In fact, I often wonder if hein some subconscious way resented it.
My issue is trying to contine to detach from this. I feel I slipped when I started thinking of ways he could explain his short tenure in his last job at his upcoming interview. I even asked him "how are you going to explain it?" But wait, thats not my problem, right? He made that mess. Let him figure it out. I've always been so involved in this, from tracking his progress, asking how the interview went, and most of all worrying. Now the worrying takes on a new dimension - what will happen if he finds himself unemployed for a long time? If the doors all slam on him? Which of course makes me worry about the obvious will all this lead to repeated patterns? All this is part of "living in the wreckage of the future."
I try to remind myself that most things I worried about never happened. And things I never predicted (such as my husband being an alcoholic) came as a total surprise. I know I cant make this my business. That is one reason I am not living with him now. I'm staying out of the mess he made. He is an adult. He has to live with the consequences of what he did. I can hope he makes the right choices, but cant control it.
But breaking old patterns, leaving things in HPs hands, and most of all, trying not to worry, it is still so, so hard.
you sound good- can i get some career advise aswell?? only joking...you do sound good though. you sound like you know what you are doing- keeping your side of the street clean- because if yu go through all of this to help him and he only drinks it away again....or if he doesnt get the job..... you only have to go through that frustration and disappointment.
this post inspired me... my AH and I are also separated right now but I have been debating getting an apt with him but keeping finances separate.. he would pay half the rent, I would pay half the rent... etc. This is what I think I want to do but I worry that in the future he will make some horrible choices and cause me more pain.. then i think how futile worrying is.. you said what we worry about usually never happens... it may happen but i guess that is tomorrow's problem. You have helped me make a decion.. thanks nyc.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Sounds great! These "helping" habits are hard to break and have led to some uncomfortable silences following my shortened, detatched replies. I have found it so tempting to fill those silences with the same old pep talks, brainstorming sessions etc...Progress, not perfection! These slips are so normal and the awareness of them is such a huge indicator of the progress made. Keep up the good work and thanks for the reminder. Sending you lots of support!
