The material presented
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I've been struggling with the program so much lately. I think what is challenging me most is having my AH home, after he was working 600 miles away for 7 months. It was so much easier to detach when he was gone...
Anyway, I hit my own new low point on Sunday night. Nobody had slept much, because my youngest has some molars coming in. He was finally asleep in his crib, and my AH asked me a question about something he was trying to fix. I misunderstood his question, and apparently gave a factually incorrect answer. He didn't launch into his usual rage-filled tirade, but he WAS a jerk about it. I was so exhausted, and so frustrated from living every day with zero emotional support, that I totally lost it. I got so, so angry with him for making me feel stupid (but of course, he couldn't make me feel stupid without my consent and participation). Then I kicked my youngest's brand new plastic potty seat across the living room. *sigh* I felt terrible that I lost control so completely, and that I broke something that belongs to an innocent toddler. I also feel bad that now my AH will harp and harp on this for months as a way for him to ignore his own issues/problems. After I lost it, he proceeded to lecture me about how abusive I am, and how he fears for his safety. This from the man who has cocked his fist back like he was going to hit me in front of our son, and called me every abhorrent name in the book.
It is waaaay past time for me to get back on program and renew my focus on myself, and my own emotional well-being. I spent some time yesterday texting with a friend, who said some very kind things to me and encouraged me not to beat myself up about this, and that helped a lot.
When I hit my emotional rock bottom I found my HP there waiting to pick me up. I built a relationship with my HP and have really been able to completly work step 1-3. I am now working on 4-6 and I don't think I would have gotten there without my breaking point. I am so grateful for these forums to read a story like yours and remind myself how mysterious and wonderful God is.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
We are our own worst enemies at times. I read yesterday that we beat ourselves up over our mistakes, but the thing is, most people could NEVER deal with what we do on a daily basis and not go crazy. We are all human and make mistakes. You saw that you reacted badly, and that is a good thing. Now you are more aware of it. My motto is to ACT, not react. I need a tatoo with it on my hand, I think :o). Today is a new day. One day at a time... (((HUGS)))
I can so relate to this for I did the same thing about 2 weeks ago I compleaty lost it, my a is my grandson I had what I call a grand ole hissy fit after I felt so bad knowing all I did was pour gas on a fire. I have been on this board in the past and after my hissy fit I felt like I was searching looking wondering about something then one night it hit me The Program so I'm back here struggling one day at a time and trying to get back in working and learning. I think this happens to all of us at some point just forgive yourself and keep on keeping on.
ah stephenie.....you have given him ammunition, lol, and this will brought up time and time again...ah shucks. we find with ur mum is that if she doesnt have ammunition t hold against- shell invent some- so i wouldnt worry about it- if he is going to have a dig- he will! my mum is an expert of finding things...psycho analysing relatinships she doesnt know anything about it...apparantly my sisters husband is a narcissist (RICH) and a controlling dry drunk....which is funny as she has not gone near my sisters husband for many years.
Phew what a rough one. I know I have to really hold hard to Hungry Angry Lonely Tired as a balance sheet. If I don't watch the levels of HALT I can easly find myself slipping. Anyone would.
every time he throws it at you, could you take it as a reminder that you need your program and silently thank him for the reminder?? I know its a stretch but it may just change the context of the tirade in your mind. Thankyou for reminding me honey.... God grant me the serenity etc etc..... Just a thought....
When my daughter was about 7 we had visitors and there were a lot of stressors "on" me until I finally SNAPPED. Later I went for a walk with my 7 year old and we talked about things because I was really sorry, SHE was the one I eventually snapped at - she wasn't one of the major stressors but she caught the most of my snapp. The apology conversation ended up in a talk about me feeling like a rubber band stretched to its limits until it finally snaps, breaking. We have often in the years hence, used this visual to explain and understand each other and how we are feeling. Sometimes there are so many stressors and we aren't able to control them all and finally we snap like a weakened rubber band. And unfortunately, the person we snap at isn't the one really stretching that rubber band. Give yourself a break, we cannot control what finally makes us snap.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
We are all vulnerable at certain times. One time in the last year someone honked at me while driving. I had just had the crappiest day, was all up in my head, my cell phone was ringing and I looked down. Anyhow, the person in the other car said "Watch where you are driving. You are going to kill someone!" Granted, that is pretty benign feedback and I was looking down at my phone, but my response was "Fu#k off and die bi##h!" That probably earned me bad karma points for a year or more. None of us are perfect. Forgive yourself, make whatever ammends possible and if it gets brought up again the response can be "We discussed that already. That issue is not relevant any more."
Thanks so very much everyone. I'm feeling much better about everything today. On Monday night I took our son back to Target and bought a replacement potty seat, and then I told him I was very sorry. I know he's only 18 months old, and he didn't understand, but I felt much better.
