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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What am I sooo afraid of?
Post Info TOPIC: What am I sooo afraid of?
amills4294


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What am I sooo afraid of?
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My spouse's car is in the shop - it has been so many times over the past few months.  The mechanic he goes to is across town.  I've been more then willing to take  him to drop his car off and pick him up many times.  His car problems are a sore issue.  It was another one of his purchases that was made out of impulse and not a good decision.  I've bitten my tongue this time.  It's his car it's his problem.

Sunday night I drove him to drop it off and took him to his apt.  Monday morning I drove to his apt and dropped him off at work.  Monday afternoon our daughter goes to his apartment for this week so I drove her stuff over there since he couldn't come get it.  His car repair was delayed another day (which it usually is).  I was happy to do it though I had a lot of things to do.  I then went to my yoga class and my Alanon meeting (which was wonderful) my daughter texted she needed some things and he did too so on my way home I stopped and bought the things and took to his apt.  This morning I drove her to school and him to work.  On the way to dropping her off he asked if I could take him to get his car at noon.  I had to think what my schedule was - plumber was coming this morning and I have to work.  I told him I couldn't but couldn't his mom?  He said "she's already picking up our daughter from school she's not a "xxxxing" cab service!".....  all said while our daughter was in the car.  He said just forget it I'll take a cab.  I changed the subject to talking to my daughter - dropped her off and dropped him off.  I cried all the way home.  I've busted my butt for him.... then my self guilt kicked in. What did I do?  I canceled the plumber and rearranged my work schedule and emailed him I could take him.

Why the heck would I do that?  I am so done with his use of abusive tone and mood.  I don't deserve it. I have a life.  I have responsibilities.  I've done a lot to help out.  I know he's under stress but so am I.  I'm tired of childish behavior that he can just think he can say "oh I'm sorry" after it happens.  I need an adult in my life.

Another sign of my codependency.  At least I acknowledge it - I am aware and hopefully next time I will act differently.



-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 6th of December 2011 02:41:48 PM



-- Edited by amills4294 on Tuesday 6th of December 2011 03:32:59 PM



-- Edited by amills4294 on Tuesday 6th of December 2011 03:36:13 PM

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rosielee


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why did you do that??? lol. thats encouraging bad behaviour towards you and it will just get worse. my friend had this kind of treatment- although he didnt drink- in the end she got so fed up- she had a little affair.....after years and years of being faithful- he is now a totally different husband. that was a short- sharp lesson for him!!

i dont suggest doing that though- obviously...not unless you want to!

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rosie
rosielee


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i spent years tolerating my mums verbal abuses in the hope that it will stop on its own accord, and she will wake up to the fact that she is nasty....it didnt happen though. i had to withdraw and tell her why. and i had to start dishing it back...one day she asked to meet me- so after i made the effort t go out of my way to meet her- so she gets the support (even though i dreaded it) she turned her usual nasty- criticising self. so i got fed up with years of this and said "what about what you look like? look at your hair is so dry is like a bush- and that jacket is hiddeous its like a carpet on yur back"

she took off her jacket as she suddenly felt uncomfortable in it and started to shrink down...i thought- yeah- now you know what its like after just one episode of it...

but it wasnt pleasant to do and didnt actually work in the long term.

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rosie
Michelle814


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amills, you deserve happiness, peace, serneity, hope.. all the above and more.. remember this when you are saying why did i do that.. don't beat yourself up.. its progress, not perfection.. and its one day at a time. I say it and sometiems i slip.. I relapse, i guess they call it into old habits and ways of thinking.. but getting on these forums and posting it and getting replies or reading inspirational shares helps me.. going to f2f meetings and talking with someone after for a while. remember that it took years for us to get into the unhealthy patterns we have made and it wont just go away over night.. it takes time to heal and get better. youre on your path... keep her head up and keep moving.

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Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
GreenerGrass


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" I need an adult in my life".....you and I both !!! I think if we keep asking God for what we want, he listens and wants to give it. It's just a matter of waiting until the time is right.

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rosielee


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yeah- really dont beat yourself up...i have been there myself a million times over and its very- very hard to change someones patterns of behaviour.

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rosie
Pushka


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I think that's a great question to ask yourself, .. what are you afraid of? You will get the answer to what you need or want to do when you are ready and that's even more important to remember not to beat yourself up. NEXT time asking what am I afraid and answering BEFORE you change your plans is a GREAT way to go. :) Good growth for you!!

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Lindaoakford


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You have the intellectual awareness... its just a matter of time when you choose to put that into action.
As you say... next time you will know better.

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Linda - a work in progress
GailMichelle


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I thought perhaps you'd enjoy this short 2-minutes video about saying no.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHBCkINo--g



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
Debilyn


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wow good for you!!!

this is great progress. We used to just do things like it was natural. Now you pinpointed it and did not like it and will catch it next time

hugs,deb



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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likemyheart


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I told him I couldn't but couldn't his mom? He said "she's already picking up our daughter from school she's not a "xxxxing" cab service!".....

You missed your opportunity to say - hey, neither am I! I agree with Linda, you need an adult in your life, so do I - you know any???

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Breakingfree


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Hey unfortunately I can relate to this too closely. I am getting better at saying things I mean without saying it mean and get the point across. My exAH thinks I owe him and I finally asked him, "Why do you thing I owe you anything?" his reply "hmmm, I am not sure, just do." Atleast he is now aware of it.

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
pinkchip


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What are you afraid of? Maybe it would help to write those things down and then practice some step 3 on them. Let those fears go to your higher power. Fear of the relationship being over, fear of not getting along for the sake of you daughter, fear of being hurt, rejected....lots of fears there.....but you are powerless over him and your higher power will help you and carry you through all this.

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Lindaoakford


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pinkchip
If we had a 'like' button I would have hit it. What a great idea

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Linda - a work in progress
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