denial - Al-Anon Family Group

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

denial

rosielee · Senior Member

i know exactly what you mean about the drinking situation- im the same.....
its hard watching your partners drink. i used to hate the sound of the lid being twisted open and hate the way my mum used to hold the drink in her mouht for ages before she could force it down her....sad times indeed- i feel for you xxx

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

For me.. it took a devastating event and crisis to actually allow me to let go. I had to see with my own eyes that God could and would take my husband at any time if it is his time to go, that I did not have the control over his drinkind/drug use like I thought.. logically I understood I had no control but subconciously I held on. I continued to nag and question and worry and wonder.. Once I almost witnessed him dying in front of me I knew I could let go. God loves him more than I ever could. I picture myself kissing him on the cheek and just allowing him to be in God' hands now. I am not saying that everyone needs a traumatic event like near death to allow step 3 to take place, this is just how my HP showed it to me and I am grateful to my HP for that and that I still have my husband, alive, on this planet at this time.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

@rosielee I truly have let go of the anger I felt everytime I see the bottle or the pot. I've accepted that this is not in my control. I just don't want to see how much is being consumed. Which I guess I have to let go of this too, I can't control it, can't change it, not for me to hold onto.

@Michelle I'm good about the not nagging part now, it's the worry part that I have to let go of.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I just had a moment. I was emailing a response to a question that one of my best friends asked me regarding how I stayed at my last job for 2 1/2 years, even though towards the end most days I wanted to drive off the bridge. I stated that I didn't have a choice and I had to completely hand the situation over.

The current full time job I have is totally and completely a God thing. I got this job when there were no jobs to be had. I know that He fully took care of me. So as I typed that it hit me. If He totally took care of me then why do I even doubt that He won't take care of me now? He's got this.

danni · Senior Member

I feel for you and can TOTALLY relate to the extent that I was wincing as I read your post. sigh. The challenge for me is recognizing the difference between accepting the drinker/drinking and setting boundries (like not wanting to see the bottles etc...) I, too, wonder if that is avoidance/denial. As I progress with not interefering with my AH's drinking (though it doesn't feel like acceptance, but it is the best I can do for today), the drinking is not as hidden now. To be honest, it was easier for me and I preferred it when it wasn't as visible. It is easier for me to not moniter how much or not look for evidence when it is out of sight. It takes a lot more work to not calculate what is right in front of my face. However, I realize that this is a process, and getting through this challenge will make me stronger and frankly, what was happening before I embraced the program was leading to disaster for me and my family...i sometimes feel like my lack of interference could be misinterpretted as permission for my AH to drink, but then I remind my self that I am powerless over it. He will make his own choices with or without my "permission"...whatever the result of that, like visible signs of it, must be serving a larger purpose for me and my own growth. I feel like I'm rambling, but this has been very helpful for me. Hope it is a bit of a help for you as well.
p.s. I miss drinking too...sometimes I wonder if too much? For today, i am preferring a clear head as I navigate these sometimes exhausting waters

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

@Danni, you are not rambling at all!!!! Everything you wrote makes complete and total sense to me!!! Thank you!!!

I'm with you, I know I need a clear head to navigate through all this!

-- Edited by Jackie11 on Tuesday 6th of December 2011 09:40:25 AM

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

isnt it cool when you have those little epiphanies, jackie? love it.

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

why can't you have a glass of wine when you come home? Who says? I used to be really strict with myself too, and wanting to prove a point to AH, I didn't drink at all and would be proud ttp tell people I don't drink! But, after learning some things from this program, I am less afraid of alcohol, and a little more relaxed and giving myself a break. And, this is really different for me, I've been having a glass of wine at night, sometimes only half a glass because I'm not a drinker. But I feel good about it. I'm not scared of it, and I'm not worried that this will in any way encourage my AH. How much he drinks is completely on him, and I don't want his drinking to affect my decisions or adult freedoms anymore. I would encourage you to lighten up and give yourself a break. You are not the alcoholic, you can have that glass of wine, and you can have it responsibly!

jessicat · Member

Jackie11 wrote:
I've acknowledged I'm powerless and I truly don't want to know how much he's drinking yet I think this would be me avoiding the truth? Or me in denial?

I struggle with this very thing more than anything else. What I've started asking myself is, "Why do I want this knowledge? What purpose is served by having it?" Most of the time, I just want to satisfy my curiousity and BE RIGHT (hello control freak) but ultimately, the only purpose it serves is to hurt and upset me. Who wants to be right about that? I already know he's using (as you do about your A), so it's not like I'm getting some additional information I didn't already have.

Should I decide to get a divorce, I will probably start looking again (not that I don't still look sometimes - I just try hard not to) so that I can document his abuse. But in that case looking and knowing the truth serves a bigger purpose.

Hang in there! Only you can decide whether or not you "need to know." (HUGS)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Jackie all I know is when I really accepted he had a disease and let go the smell of alcohol did not bug me at all anymore. And believe me that was a big thing, since my first husband died from being drunk and I associate that

smell with walking into the er with my husband well uno.

In time that bottle won't matter. It's up to you to change how you feel about it.

It's just a bottle glass and with rotten grain in it. i think?

so he has to drink rotten grain water...lol

If it really bugs you, you could get him a neat container to set it in. or get a decanter to pour it into you cannot see thru. Like the ones ya see on soap operas. lol

As far as you not having a beer or wine, the Bible even says that wine is to be enjoyed.

I know this is a dumb analogy, but if he gets on a skateboard and falls off but keeps doing it and getting hurt, does that mean you cannot get on a skateboard?

Forgive me, take into consideration I am having an allergy attack lol.

I guess I had a feeling from your share that you are too hard on yourself. Like you are a bit uptight. Time to be silly maybe, have some fun, do something that makes ya laugh.

I know I forgot to laugh. But I learned to laugh again. I loved it when I got my AH to laugh a few times too.

do you and him play board games. I loved doing that.

So I invite you to look into your heart and bring out that happy spirit.

Hey I tell ya nothing makes me laugh more than Gary Larsons, "The Far side."

hugs,debilyn

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL who me uptight??? no way disbelief hahahaha yes I can be

Actually that night I went to my meeting, I never said anything about the bottle. I realized that if I'm saying I let go of it, then I need to truly let go of it, including not paying attention to levels.

Just like last night not saying anything about the pot.

I'm taking it one day at a time.

tired of trying · Veteran Member

I don't think I would/could let him put his bottle in plane sight-maybe that is wrong-but that is a boundary for me-especially with kids around. I also don't drink around him, though I do drink sometimes socially. When he had 10+ years sober, he said he could handle it and I had a drink once in awhile, but since he is riding the relaspe roller coaster...

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