The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 8 years of living with my husband's drinking and his constant complaints about how it is too hard to live with me and my 4 children (from previous marriage) I told him to decide, stay and get help, go to counseling and work through this together or go. He chose to go. He moved out on Saturday. Saying he just needed some time to think through things and figure out what he wanted. That leaving was not what he wanted but he felt he had to do. When he left he wanted us to work it out and said he would call soon, then that he just needed some time to work through himself and his issues. He sent me an email this am from his work saying he was not doing well and would call later, which he never did. Kids are falling apart and so am I. I have been unable to work and feel so very lost. I have tried going to an alanon meeting but felt very uncomfortable there. I don't know what to do any more. I have been reading posts from folks and seeing so much of what we have gone through reflected in what you all say. I have never felt so lost. He has hidden money from me for the last 18 months, making it very difficult to pay our mortgage. At this point, if he does not provide anything to the family this month, my house will go in to foreclosure in January. We have an apt with a counselor on Saturday but I don't even know that he will show right now. Did I do the right thing forcing him to decide? Do I need to try to reach him or leave him to his own demise till he finds his own way back to us? I have so much support from family and friends, but none of them have been down this road before or are married to a man like my husband. He is selfish, stubborn and a major hermit. The opposite of my children and I. We have a large family and are involved with those around us, we are busy people who do and enjoy. He wants to sit, stare at the computer and drink. He used to be more involved, that is how we met, but now he won't do anything. I love him and want him back in our lives because he can find that part of him again that we so amazing before. Do I stand strong with the hope that he will find his way back again or do I move on and anticipate he will not return? He has hurt the kids and I so much that right now I don't know if I could let him back in. He is not a kid person anyways and has always barely tolerated a house full of them. Maybe we are all better off with him gone. I don't seem to know my own mind right now let alone my own heart.
You say that you feel "uncomfortable" at Al-Anon meetings. Can you elaborate a little?
I didn't feel comfortable for a long while at meetings. But I kept coming back because I had tried everything else and still felt lousy. I also kept going back because there were some members that conveyed a joy and freedom that I wanted.
There are many understanding members on this board. They'll be coming along soon and sharing their experiences, strength and hope.
Please take care.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hello and welcome , Now What you ask . Now you get your life back on track and please for your childrens sake and yours go back to Al-Anon meetings as soon as possible . I dont know anyone who felt comfortable in thier first few meetings * hugs * we are not accustomed to asking for help . Keep going pass when they ask , share when your ready . just listen to the similarities not the differences and you will find what you need . If you dont let them in , you will never get out . Louise
I can relate. It's always been uncomfortable for me to share with others, but I'm finding it gets easier... You can go and just listen, they will understand :) I have struggled with "do I stay or do I go" or "do I wait or do I move on" My sponsor told me that if you aren't sure of what to do, don't decide right now, just pray & work on getting through the next day, hour, minute... It sounds hard to give up all that chaos! It took me a few terrible roller coaster rides to try it out and the peace I finally felt was SUCH a relief. That's just me- just a suggestion- I truly feel for you and your children.
Wow, I admire your strength. It really hurts to do things that don't feel right but you know are right. He might find his way back but something drastic needed to change for you and for him. The rest is up to your perspective higher powers.
When I walked out on my ex of 7 years, he was screaming and all dramatic "If you leave and walk out...don't come back" Then he went to the porch to loudly scream "I can't watch you walk out that door." Nothing about that situation felt good...I don't even know if it felt right. I just knew I had to do it cuz I was dying inside by staying and living that life.
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 6th of December 2011 10:09:07 AM
I'm new here too, but not new to the situations so many here are in, including me-including you. One thing I do know is that if you have support in family and friends nearby - LEAN on them. It is so difficult, but let them bless you right now with support and caring. And just get through today - one day at a time. And as others have said, get back to Al-Anon., I've gone to one, and I love it, then a different meeting when I really needed it, but it didn't "fit". But I took what I could use from that meeting as well. It helps so much to be among others who have been where we are, and can show us that there is hope. Even if nothing changes, there is hope, and WE can change. Blessings to you.
Aloha Cinders...just from reading the responses that you got here I can see where the program loves and supports you even when You fell uncomfortable. You may not be like me, a very slow learner who was oppositional and defiant from the start and for 5 years just kept coming back until I decided that college would tell me the right stuff and when I was finished with college I had to agree that the rooms of Al-Anon had given me what I needed first. It's okay to be uncomfortable. Anything new especially under the conditions of alcoholism is uncomfortable and you're not alone with it. At the end of the meeting they probably read the standard closing to the meeting from the manual a part of which reads "If you keep and open mind you will find help". The open mindedness is key because the program is very different than I could have ever expected. That openmindedness statement became the first "promise" to come true for me in recovery and I first heard it over 33 years ago. It works thru my entire life now. Openmindedness is a condition of listening without interruption from the inside either from feelings or thoughts of any kind. Sit and listen and don't judge or critique what is being said. After the meeting talk with the other membership about your concerns.
Keep coming back and I'm glad you found MIP. ((((hugs))))
HI I am sorry you are going through this The other ESH you have received is great. Making changes is hard. Have you considered looking at your legal rights and obligations regarding the mortgage? I understand that sort of thing is really painful, but it could be more painful to not look at it and be in a situation of having to foreclose on your home. It seems from what you have said that whether you are together or not, the money may not be forthcoming as you say he has hidden it before and made ithard to pay the mortgage.
Thank you for all your supportful words. I was uncomfortable going to the alanon meeting because it just did not seem the right fit. I did not want someone to pat me on the back and listen to me cry and tell my story, I needed guideance, options and help seeing outside of the box I am stuck in. I understand the support that can come of a group like that, sharing with someone I don't know in a face to face setting is very hard for me. I just simply cried and closed in on myself. My husband is not physically abusive and not a mean man, he just can't stop the drinking. He has so much potential and I wish I could see him making the right choice, I just don't believe anymore it will happen. I can't even take it one day at a time right now, can only think of one hour at a time, that is even too much some times. My kids are struggling so much right now. The girls, who are 12, don't understand and miss him so much. He moved out with out saying goodbye to any of them. They have not heard from him and feel like he has abandoned them.
We have a counseling apt on Saturday. He has sent me several emails, stating he will be there, I am just afraid that if he does come and still can't make up his mind about if he wants to come home or not, that I will no longer be able to allow him to. It seems like every moment of every day that he is gone, makes it that much harder to think he can come or will come back. If I hear him say one more time that he just does not know what he wants, I feel like I will explode. How can he not know if he wants this marriage? How can drinking be that important to him? He says he is going to an assessment on Tuesday of next week for an outpatient program, I just don't trust that he will follow through.
I worry so much that I will get a call each morning from the local police saying they found him dead in a hotel room because he drinks himself to death. I don't know how much longer I can live with this. Especially since I work for the local police and know that all my co-workers will then remember that day for ever.
I pray constantly but feel like I am losing my way even with that.
