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Wow, had a real eye opener today from my 3 year old son. The last few days have been rough, what with my wife drinking & lying about it again. I'm not doing a very good job of keeping my side of the street clean as this is happening, however, and I find myself just full of rage after my alcoholic continues to do what alcoholics do. I don't take my rage out on my A, however, instead I focus it on my kids, specifically my son. When he acts up or misbehaves, as 3 years old do, I have found myself raising my voice and angrily depositing him in his bedroom for time out.
Today, he got into a squabble with his 5 year old sister and wound up pulling her hair. I yanked him up and stormed upstairs with him and put him in his room, angrily slamming the door shut after shouting at him. After a minute or so, not knowing I was there, he opened his door. I basically scared him out of his skin at that point, angrily shouting at him to get back in his room. He quickly closed the door then started sobbing uncontrollably. I could make out--"you scared me daddy don't ever ever ever scare me again...". I felt justified at that point still, thinking--yes, I scared you, maybe know you will learn to behave. But then, my HP presented me with a moment that I will likely never forget. My precious son, just 3 years and 1 month old, says between sobs from the other side of his bedroom door--"you're my best friend dad"...
I slowly opened the door and fell to my knees and he collapsed in my arms and we hugged, long and hard. These are the moments we can learn from. These are the moments that our higher power gives to us. My anger is unacceptable.
Oh My what a precious heart warming share!!! How beautiful and loving are these little ones that HP sends into our lives. This road we travel is difficult and heartbreaking so please remember to be gentle with yourself and know HP is with you
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Thanks for touching my heart and soul today Kiss that little one for me.
Utb, That is really sweet, and made me go over and give my 2 year old boy another big hug. Little kids are very perceptive - sure they have a knack for pushing limits but they definitely know when they're loved. Clearly your little boy is very well aware of that. Yes moments like these are the best reminders that HP is there... In support, nyc
We have 10th step moments with our children also and they too are presented by HP. My children learned how to make amends and apologize from the display of the program in action. I pray for being proactive with this program though that doesn't always work. It has worked more often than before as I keep the past right in front of me especially that part of my past which resulted in regrets and resentments I came to learn how to prevent. Children are almost defenseless against the consequences of someone elses drinking and using...they are true victims and while I have always been amazed at how quickly they have learned and changed with this program in Alateen I have also come to understand that my recovery isn't about their changing but mine.
I'm sad with you for the pain you were dressed with and the sorrow it caused. I'm sad at your son's inner voice that spoke for him, standing up for him. I can imagine that there wasn't much difference between his demand of you as your demand of your alcoholic...maybe just the pitch of the voice. This program teaches alot and one of the things I came to understand that most often the difference between victims was only age and sometimes gender.
thanks for your honesty...but i hope you dont scare your little wee one again!!! we hav all done this however- taken our stresses oout on our children- NO ONE has not done this to some degree. your children are at a very trying and testing age- but you are good for seeing things and working them out- this is the mark of a good Dad not a bad one- where we recognise where we have failed and try a different approach next time. they are at a difficult testing age and im sure you will go through many techniques before you find one that works. when my son was young- i brought him up on my own- let me tell you- he was a right handfull. people used to say i didnt discipline him enough.....but i just focussed on the good in him and kind of swept over the bad. this method must have paid off as he is 16 now and he is a sensible- caring polite young man and ive always had good reports at school- people think hes very good. love conquers all. (you are still the boss though...lol)
I had such a nice sweet time with my son this morning. We got him some fridge magnets last week and we were playing with them. I stopped everything I was doing and just sat with him in front of the fridge. I was originally on a small stool but he said "no dad, on the floor". And I happily sat on the floor with him and we played, just me & him.
It was so hard to hear him say what he did yesterday but I'm so thankful for the moment, as it really was a chance for me to learn and I took it and did learn. And he's going to regret ever telling me that I'm his best friend, because I kept telling him that he's MY best friend!
I am so grateful for your candor and honesty. I am the mom of a 2 and 5 yr old, and I sometimes let the stress of unhappiness with my AH affect how I am with them. Al anon has helped TREMENDOUSLY with it and changed my parenting, and I am so so grateful for that, more than anything. I have also learned to allow myself to not have to be perfect. How I treat myself is also a way of teaching them. I would be so sad if my kids beat themselves up the way I beat myself up sometimes. In the do's and dont's that are read at one of my meetings, it says "If you fail, try again", and I tell myself that when I hear my voice get sharp or I see one of my kids upset with how I have spoken to them. When I first came to Al Anon, I read something (in the newcomer's pamphlet maybe?) written by an adult child of an alcoholic father. He said that he was more impacted in childhood by his mother's reactions to alcoholism than by the alcoholism of his father. That really stuck with me and keeps me focued on this part of my progress in pareneting. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your wife's drinking, and I am glad that you had a nice morning with your son. We are human, and we have made the choice to be better selves and better parents by being in Al Anon. When I am not busy feeling guilty and being hard on myself, I realize that this is the greatest gift I can give my children--a happier, healthier mom, regardless of whether my husband chooses to drink or not. Thanks again for your honesty. I am sending you lots of support from parent to parent.
My youngest son the exact same age. I remember my oldest son telling me, when he was 3 during a bath "mommy, please dont use your loud voice, I am just a baby and I want you to be nice to me." I realized that my tone was harsh and that justification at that point would be fruitless. Sure, he was splashing me with water and not coorperating with getting out of the tub. I saw that God gave him those words that helped me reset my attitide and find ways for which I can bring greater love not anger to the situation.
My kids are spiritual teachers to me. They embody love. It is I who has become corroded with anger over the years. I am trying little by little growing in patience, understanding, compassion, courtesy, and kindness. Love is the vehical that is helping me to get me there.
I honestly got teary reading this. I think I am very open right now to my HP and this post just made me realize what a great Mom I will be some day as I stay on the Al-Anon path. Progress not Perfection, UTB, you are, obviously, a great Dad and its beautiful that your son calls you his best friend. How lucky are you to be blessed with this child and other children. Keep working your program one day at a time. Beautiful post, thanks for sharing.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Anger management can be very difficult around an alcoholic/addict acting out. I found many a time when I felt out of control around my alcoholic roommates. I am so glad they are former roommates.
Detaching is such a difficult ongoing task. I can find myself angry and resentful as a fall back all the time. Taking the focus of them is so incredibly difficult.
I do think so much of the alcoholic's behavior leaves so many of us feeling abandoned. Abandoned to take care of the children. Abandoned to take care of all the bills and abandoned to process everything alone. I am so grateful for al anon to help me through so many issues.
I regularly yell at my dogs and cats. I know it isn't good at all. I also know that at times I am really low on emotional space. I also know that is as far as it goes. There is a yell, there is no screaming, furniture banging, breaking, door slamming, more yelling, more screaming and more crying. Yelling is the first and last point.
I know you feel like your behavior is unacceptable but the fact is your children are getting care. They are getting a parent. They are not being abandoned. They are getting a parent who can think, respond and take care of their needs. None of us are perfect. I had to give up the perfect role long long ago. I hope at some point I wil not yell anymore right now I do sometimes and I no longer feel bad about it.
I would highly recommend the book Getting them sober. Having reasonable expectations around alcoholics is hard going. As paradoxical as it sounds expecting them to be an alcoholic is far more reasonable than expecting them to function.
Awwww, I am in tears. I remember when my kids were young being angry they wouldn't do what I wanted as fast as I wanted it. Actually, what I learned was that I WAS NOT LIVING IN THE MOMENT. I didn't know it at the time. I thought I needed done what I needed done. And now. But what I really was doing was wanting it done so I could get to the future. I just didn't want to continue to be exactly where I was at the time. I didn't want to be "in the now" anymore. I wanted out of there. But I didn't realize that I am always in the "now". It was AlAnon that taught me to enjoy the "now", no matter what is happening.
If the grandkids are splashing in the bath and making the room their swimming pool..... oh well. I guess I can wipe down the walls and make that room clean. And if I have to worry about furniture being ruined, then I shouldn't have that furniture. I can live (now) with ink pen marks on my leather couch. Not back then. I was still striving for perfection, or at least the white picket fence fantasy that all is well.
Be easy on yourself. Your 3 yr. old was a great teacher. He taught you a very valuable lesson. You don't want to be that kind of person any more.
I am in tears, because I can relate so much with my 3 year old testing me and I get so frustrated, because of other things I am walking around angry. I love that you were honest and vulnerable with us about it. It has helped me to grow and not feel so alone. I am working through my stuff and being more loving with them daily and when I get there I just tell my 13 year old to take over and get on the treadmill or go for a drive aorund the neighborhood until serenity takes over. If my oldest isn't home I get us out of the house and change the scene. My Mom abused us in every way and I will not repeat the cycle, but now unfortunately I can see her side more. Sending you love and support.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
