Not ready for step 4 - Al-Anon Family Group

atheos · Senior Member

Not ready for step 4

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Baby steps and loving yourself right where you are at. It's the small emotional risks that lead to the biggest growth. So be easy on yourself and let yourself open up slowly without forcing a situation. Maybe you can't turn things over to a higher power, however as an atheist I'm sure you can figure out that forgiveness and trust aren't about HP's it's about knowing our strength and weaknesses as human beings. Can you trust everyone .. no I don't think so. Can you trust some people, .. absolutely. Especially people who have showed that they are trust worthy. Will they let you down, .. maybe, people aren't perfect and that's ok. If we were perfect life would be pretty borning. What I hear as you write isn't about HP as much as it is about self worth and self esteem.

There are people in the world who give without expecting in return and there truly is no resentment because that's just who they are, perfect no, kind, compassionate, doing the best they can absolutely. Your sponsor wouldn't have accepted the offer to sponsor you if she didn't want to. You don't have to worry about taking up to much space. I can so relate to what you have verbalized and everytime I call if my sponsor can't talk will let me know when she can and then we talk up a storm. lol .. which isn't hard to do. You are a valuable person who is worthy of others time and energy. Remember that when you hesitate to pick up that phone and make a call. Be gentle with yourself though and some food for thought is what's up wtih the whole burden talk?

Hugs P :)

PS - It is ok not to be ready for step 4. It takes time and remember all you have to do is be willing.

-- Edited by Pushka on Sunday 4th of December 2011 01:33:44 AM

rosielee · Senior Member

where did you come from and what happens to you when you die? do you really believe life crumbles to dust? i cant believe someone really- deep down believ es this.

in any case- if you are an atheiist...why dont you think of your HP in terms of your intuition? your deep sense of intuition- which i beleive are deeply intwined anyway with your spirit guide...how do you know its your subconcious or your guide? truth is you dont really know. but i do know that nce you start trusting "it" it will start to work for you and will start to care of things....as long as you dont rely on it to save you doing the work.

as a test...whats your biggest issue at the moment...hand it over to your HP....whether it be a sun god...or the godess of venus of whatever....and i bet you. the issue wnt be there anymore in a few months time (apart from the big stuff like alcoholism...im afriad it isnt that easy!!) like if you are homeless.....your HP will help to find you a house. we dont know if the HP is YOU and your subconcious intuition that you dont listen to on a daily basis...or sun God of Rah...or Allah....truth is...none of us know. but we do get the help...of that I am 100% convinced...and i can write you a book on the things its done for me.... my sons schooling. my housing. my job........

now i need my HP to find me a nice man...now ive made of my mind i want one!!! but it will only happen if its good for me.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am working step 4 and still don't feel ready for it with back stepping. You will know when you have progressed through 1-3 and ready for 4. Sending you love and support!

rosielee · Senior Member

what is that hotrod said to me in private message yesterday, "al anon knows you might be resistant which is why it says take what you want and leave the rest"
am i allowed to say this? if it doesnt resonate with you- then it just doesnt...and al-anon shouldnt be forceful like dogma or religion...where you HAVE to do step 4. its there for your help im sure. id hate to think of this step 4 biz turning you off- and i know what thats like.

but il say one more thing...lol. sometimes you dont want to believe in God- angels or HP etc coz your life has been crap up to date and a hard upheaval and you are stuck in the mundane- where magical and special doesnt exist. well im convinced there is more to it all than meets our eyes....

how comes some things go smoothly in life...and other plans just meet real- rock solid resistance? i could go on forever on this train of thought.ad there are many books written on the subject. i think its good to read other stuff about spirituality aswell as al-anon literature as it all ties in.

there are such things- that cant be explained... the way i think of it is- there is more than we realise...and once you open up to this possibility- you might begin to become aware of wierd things happening. a ten pound note on the groun when you had no food and no money....oh my golly- my list is endless....my grandmothers voice suddenly popping into my ear....when ive never met her and she died in a car crash before i was born. how did i know it was her? thing is i dont really...its just odd how i suddenly thought of her at a certain moment...and its just not in my makeup to bother- or wonder about it. also on that week- my son was desperate for a phone- a mobile phone and the company was saying no- as i am a bankruptcy and credit rating was too poor- so they told me no on the phone and in letter. which is a shame because i had the funds for it. so its odd, that the phone turned up regardless.....and its also odd that two days before christmas when we had nothing...no special food- no pressies.... £800 turned up into my bank account and has never been asked to be paid back.....some tax thing.

its also odd...how i drove all the way to London...with no car tax...as my pennies ran out but my son was booked on a flight...and i didnt get pulled over and fined or towed away....its even ODDER than my car was parked at MCdonalds with no tax...and the motorway police kpt popping in and eating their burgers...inches from my car.

its odd that my son- 16 years old...went to Lithuania for a night- on his own- and the hotel transaction ran smoothly and his card worked for him when sometimes it doesnt

honestly...i could go on and on and on with this...SO MANY things happen to me...Im convinced its my Grandad and a spirit guide i have never met. once you open your mind to it...it can do CRAZY things........like when my script was not due till the next day and i needed my tablets...badly. so i just handed it in and thought maybe my HP will get me my tablets to me. and somehow the chemist just handed my tablets over on the wrong date.....and trust me...chemists DONT do this with controlled drugs...as its all monitored and the strictest of regulations are about.....its never happened in my ten years of taking these tablets.

i could go on.....and tell you about this house....and i used its address before i moved in...i thought...i needed a crises loan, but they would only give me one if i knew and had signed the tenancy already...(i needed the crises loan to move house away from harrassment) but i hadnt signed a tenancy yet and i was panicking...so i plucked this EXACT address from my mind...as my ideal scenario....and guess where i ended up? yep....this one. i really could go on and on and on

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Atheos,

I too was much like you thinking I was bothering my sponsor by calling her on the phone. I had to force myself to call her each week because deep down I thought I was too much trouble and each second I took of her time I felt like I was a burden. When I ended each phone call I would apologize for taking up too much time. She would always say, "it was not trouble at all, it is my privilege to listen." Gradually it gave me the courage.

Like you, I think of the 3rd step as making a decision just as the words state. For me it is alot more than becoming willing because if I don't make a decision than I am less likely to write a fearless moral inventory. One thing I would suggest is to use your sponsor as the caring portion of the step. My face to face sponsor is like God with skin on it. I found through working steps 1 - 3 with her, I built a foundation of trust and faith. She loves and accepts me unconditionally without judgement. She is the first person in my adult life that heard all my stuff and didnt run away. I felt dignity and respect as an adult for the first time after I did my 5th step with her.

I have a few sponsees that I am just so blessed to share this program with. It helps me more than you can imagine to support and guide them through the steps. It is an honor and a privilege that I am so grateful for. I grow each time I get a phone call, email, text, or have a face to face meeting with them. It is a mutually beneficial relationship that I am so grateful to give the time, attention, and love away just as my sponsor did for me. So please know, calling ones sponsor is not a chore for the sponsor to listen. It is a spiritual gift my HP gives to me.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

In loving support,

Tommye

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of negative ideas in your head that are not serving you. We are all here to change our thinking. Do you want to remain the same forever? Not trusting others and thinking people don't give a crap about you? If I became a paraplegic, I would pray to be like Christopher Reeves and what would happen would be the opposite of what you described. Through how I deal with adversity, others may be inspired and gravitate towards me. If you want your world to be negative and to stay isolated, then you can keep the views you have. Otherwise, you have the difficult process that all of us here are taxed with....Change.

You are ready for step 4 when you can believe that your higher power or powers will guide you through the challenging process of honest self discovery.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, the steps are a constant unfolding and renewal. When I first started working them, I thought I'd run through them and be done, similar to running up a flight of stairs. I gain a lot of support and insight by attending step meetings.

I find each day presents new challenges for different aspects of the steps and often brings new awareness and meaning. I still want to know and understand everything now, but it will come in pieces along my journey. So, I work at least one thing a day, just a little outside my comfort zone, to bring a greater, deeper serenity.

Same goes for strengthening my relationship with my HP on a daily basis. I've learned through observing others that establishing a routine can help keep me grounded. So, every morning when my eyes open and every night before I fall asleep I give thanks. Of course, I do my best to work on this throughout the day... some days go better than others.

Also, I have found that sponsor-sponsee relationships are usually at least as equally rewarding.

It's not easy to neutralize fearful distortions that tend to keep me stuck, but it's so freeing when I'm successful.

In support,
Bud

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Atheos

I do understand what you are saying. You are correct in reviewing your alanon relationships and believing that if you were in a terrible accident they might visit for a while and then go about their business.

Alanon and the members believe in connecting on the spiritual level, trusting the power of the Universe to guide us in our daily lives. This Power can be (Intuition, HP Buffy)

I understand you being an atheist and I have many spondees who are as well . They believe in the Philosophy of the Program Not one individual member, They place their trust in the love and support of the rooms, sponsors, members because the program assures them that it is real for SPIRITUAL Growth.

The Principles AL anon embodies are applicable to all beliefs and can benefits everyone who will endeavor to participate. I think it is essential to BELIEVE in the Principles and since you do that you are ready for step 4.

Try it and see.

Alanon works in spite of us because we learn to place:

Principles above Personalities

Good Luck.

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 4th of December 2011 10:18:50 AM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Atheos - my thoughts here - to me the 12th step: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs - includes being there for others as they've been there for me. Your sponsor does not take on the responsibility of being your sponsor without thinking of the time and commitment involved - by not calling her, you are robbing her of the chance to give back, carry the messages on to someone else; paying it forward so to speak. It feels good to be of assistance in someone else's life, it helps us remember where we were, the struggles we went through - everything we go through in life helps us to somewhere down the road help someone else with a personal "been there, done that" understanding of where they are coming from.

My thoughts about step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves - it doesn't have to be done in any hurry or all in one big leap - you aren't going to "find and fix" everything on the first go round. I am constantly finding myself unhappy with how I handled something and then looking deeper into me to figure out the root cause and how I would prefer to handle it in the future (step 10) - it is baby steps, sometimes two forward and three back, gotta faction in hormones and mood, but as long as the focus is always on looking forward then the progress will be that way too - focused on the forward. Good luck!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

HI
I haven't read all the replies, I read about half and felt I needed to talk. I respect that you are athiest and trust on humans or some spirit is not your thing.

In my opinion, Al Anon mentions god or higher power as it offers us a safe place to land. A hand to sit in and know we are taken care of.

As an athiest, could you make yourself a little area in your garden or home with lots of cushions. A chair that is extremely supportive and comfortable. A type of area that you could fall asleep sitting up because you know you won't fall out. You can lay back and your muscles can relax and you remain sitting. Maybe have an area where some incence can be burned or your favourite candle or scent is around. A place you can make safe for you.

I have a massive Indonesian day bed wtih big white cushions and ornate wood. I sit in that and lay back and feel like I am in the palm of comfort and support. I listen to the birds and feel the pillows around me. It is a calm place.

If you have an area like that, perhaps keep a little box there which you can lock. The things you want to hand over to this place of comfort and support is written on bits of paper and put into that box. To be kept under the soft cushions.

When yo udo your 4th step, when you are ready, no rush, then sit here and 'meditate' for a while and write in a place you feel safe and supported. Hand it over by locking it into that box.

To expose a little embaressing note about myself, I also have my teddy bear that I talk to (blushing now) whom I have had since I was born. Big Ted is his name. Original aren't I. I talk to him and all my secrets and hopes and tears are in his fluffy yellow tummy. I hug him like no one else.

(now I am embaressed) but I hope maybe something I have said can spur you to look at HP in a different sense. HP = Heart/Healthy Pillows, Happy Place, Holding Pillar, Helping Pillar, Healing Peacefullness, I could go on but I won't hehehehehe

HP is a soft place to land and be supported. Al Anon does that. It can be physical if you do not believe in the esoteric. Its what works for you. Trust yourself first. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

you are worth happiness and serenity in your life, atheos!! remember that youre not a burden. I have been having a what they call spiritual awakening and helping an al-anon member in need has not burdened me any.. although usually im the one who is need of help right now. Love yourself, youre worth it.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.