worthless reject - Al-Anon Family Group

ifa · Veteran Member

worthless reject

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Well guess what? I loved how you would start to put yourself down yet then change and it is clear you like you!!! progress!

hey if your boss is a jerk, they you don't want him or her to like you anyway!!! That would make me wonder.....lol

I would ask ok what do you feel I need to improve? then be so nice to them. I did that once with the secretary of the high school. no one liked her, she was pretty snooty or seemed to be. But i would go plop myself in the chair in front of her and ask how she was. I really came to like her LOTS.

She was the one who had to tell me my daughter was in a car accident. she was ok but I about flew to the beach where he was!!!! was nice it was this gal as she was so good.

Glad you vented this out. Like to see ya more!!! I do relate. things seem to happen all at once uno? But you are so right, something good seems to always come if we have faith in HP.

hugs and more hugs, debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am having trouble at work too and I have a new appreciation for the work and money. I have decided I needed an attitude adjustment about it to help me stay and work with a smile. I am sending you love and support!

rosielee · Senior Member

you boss is just a grouch. he should say constructive criticism during properly held reviews and should support you in doing your job well. i think these feelings are like this for most people. i had a best friend for years and years- then she cut me loose- well i cut her loose as i knew she wasnt making the effort. and now she is on my facebook- kind of like burying the hatchet....but i had a nightmare that she was rejecting me again in my dream. thing is- some people reject you- because they have problems themsleves...we see them as being better than us is so many ways...when really they dont have basic compassion and tolerance. my friend did all the things that i did aswell- so why she got on her high horse about my life style (back then) i dont know- truth is- we are all struggling through.

i do know what you mean- life sometimes seems one knock after the other....i am cleaning for 6 hrs a week- mopping mud around on a site- and i even got worried i was going to get the sack over not doing a good job- once it happens- a sacking out of the blue- you always fear it

anyways...your boss legally needs a strong and valid reason to get rid of you. and you can claim for unfair dismissal unless he is with strong reasons with evidence....hes just a grouch by the sounds of it- who makes everyone feel like they arent doing well...the irony is....he is probably completely inept in his work himself...but covers it all up by this kind of behaviour---dont worry about that old stuffy grouch- stick it for 2 more years and then grouch can hound someone else

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Ifa - I still have lots of problems with other's not liking me. I feel like everyone should like and accept me and take it way too personal if they don't. What you are describing is not astrological in my opinion. It is what you are drawing from others due to low self esteem. People started treating me betterwhen I started feeling better about myself. Respect from others is directly correlated with respect for yourself.

Now...working on your self esteem and getting ot a point of holding your head up high is hard work and goes against who you have been for a long time, but it is the answer. It can be done through participation in CoDA, Alanon...step work. Yes, at times the world can be crappy, but mostly we draw responses from others to ourselves with our own attitudes.

Mark

ifa · Veteran Member

pinkchip wrote:
Ifa - I still have lots of problems with other's not liking me. I feel like everyone should like and accept me and take it way too personal if they don't. What you are describing is not astrological in my opinion. It is what you are drawing from others due to low self esteem. People started treating me betterwhen I started feeling better about myself. Respect from others is directly correlated with respect for yourself.

Now...working on your self esteem and getting ot a point of holding your head up high is hard work and goes against who you have been for a long time, but it is the answer. It can be done through participation in CoDA, Alanon...step work. Yes, at times the world can be crappy, but mostly we draw responses from others to ourselves with our own attitudes.

Mark

When people come to this forum, it is because we are trying to do the steps, so I don't think we need to be told that we should do the steps. And when we share about problems, we are looking for compassionate responses and to have our faith reinforced. We do not want to be told we brought our problems on ourselves by having low self esteem. I have never been told anything like that at a live Alanon meeting.

The last thing I want from this forum is to have to defend myself and argue. That is the last thing I need when I am trying to connect with my HP and when I have shared honestly about some very bad things that have been happening.

I don't know if low self-esteem had anything to do with any of these problems. It had nothing to do with being kicked out of my apartment or the friend rejecting me. If it was related to the other problems or not, I do not know, and you certainly have no way to know.

Let us assume, since we don't know, that unfair things can happen to people that they did not cause. If someone gets sick, for example, it is not necessarily anything they did wrong. Maybe it is, or maybe it isn't. And if someone has trouble at work, it is not always entirely their own fault.

So please, let me get what I came here for, a chance to share faith hope and experience. Please don't make me leave here again because I need meetings at a time like this.

ifa · Veteran Member

Breakingfree wrote:
I am having trouble at work too and I have a new appreciation for the work and money. I have decided I needed an attitude adjustment about it to help me stay and work with a smile. I am sending you love and support!

Thank you! I have to stay positive at work, even though right now it's the last place on earth I want to be. I pray a lot.

ifa · Veteran Member

Debilyn wrote:
Well guess what? I loved how you would start to put yourself down yet then change and it is clear you like you!!! progress!
hey if your boss is a jerk, they you don't want him or her to like you anyway!!! That would make me wonder.....lol
I would ask ok what do you feel I need to improve? then be so nice to them. I did that once with the secretary of the high school. no one liked her, she was pretty snooty or seemed to be. But i would go plop myself in the chair in front of her and ask how she was. I really came to like her LOTS.
She was the one who had to tell me my daughter was in a car accident. she was ok but I about flew to the beach where he was!!!! was nice it was this gal as she was so good.
Glad you vented this out. Like to see ya more!!! I do relate. things seem to happen all at once uno? But you are so right, something good seems to always come if we have faith in HP.
hugs and more hugs, debilyn

Yeah, things can happen all at once. I don't think my boss is a jerk, he is just much much younger than me and he is an arrogant know-it-all. But he does a very good job and they need him there and they don't need me. So I have to manage to convince him that I am not an old idiot. I work in IT and everything changes every 5 minutes and I am tired of trying to keep up with it. But I have to.

ifa · Veteran Member

rosielee wrote:
you boss is just a grouch. he should say constructive criticism during properly held reviews and should support you in doing your job well. i think these feelings are like this for most people. i had a best friend for years and years- then she cut me loose- well i cut her loose as i knew she wasnt making the effort. and now she is on my facebook- kind of like burying the hatchet....but i had a nightmare that she was rejecting me again in my dream. thing is- some people reject you- because they have problems themsleves...we see them as being better than us is so many ways...when really they dont have basic compassion and tolerance. my friend did all the things that i did aswell- so why she got on her high horse about my life style (back then) i dont know- truth is- we are all struggling through.

i do know what you mean- life sometimes seems one knock after the other....i am cleaning for 6 hrs a week- mopping mud around on a site- and i even got worried i was going to get the sack over not doing a good job- once it happens- a sacking out of the blue- you always fear it

anyways...your boss legally needs a strong and valid reason to get rid of you. and you can claim for unfair dismissal unless he is with strong reasons with evidence....hes just a grouch by the sounds of it- who makes everyone feel like they arent doing well...the irony is....he is probably completely inept in his work himself...but covers it all up by this kind of behaviour---dont worry about that old stuffy grouch- stick it for 2 more years and then grouch can hound someone else

My boss is very good at his work, but there is too much pressure on him and he needs a scapegoat. So here I am. Also, I wasn't studying for my job during my free time, and now I have to. It sucks a lot but I need to stay there 2 more years. I have to act positive and do a good job, or he will find any excuse to get rid of me.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

IFA

Posting to this MIP message Board, indicates that we are willing to accept feedback and insight from others as well as their ESH. If we are not willing to accept others comments, then it is OUR Responsibility to inform the members of the feed back we are looking for.

In Alanon meetings there is a NO CROSS TALK Tradition. I have seen the value of this requirement many times here on MIP.

Others mean well when they provide feedback and then that feed back is misunderstood. and taken as an insult by the poster.I always remember the most memorable line from Cool Hand Luke:" What we have here is a failure to communicate"

.

I choose to keep an open mind when Reading everyone's post and can see the positive, love and empathy expressed.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I lived for the past 4 years in a house with alcoholics and addicts. I'd say after a while they all pretty much didn't like me. They had reason to because I set boundaries and went to work whereas none of them did. I let their opinion of me affect a great deal. In fact I can still allow it to.

Recently one of them (who lives nearby now) made some comment about my dog being fat. She certainly is fat but she's also old and incredibly happy. I had to do some work on why I put such faith and power into people who really need to project.

I've certainly been around the block on working for someone who didn't like me, respect me and welcome me into a job. I found it incredibly stressful, puzzling and crippling on so many levels. No matter what I did they did not approve. When push came to shove when lay offs were inevitable they got rid of me. I had held on for so long that I was pretty taken aback but there was no question they did not have enough work for everyone.

I can hang every single essence of my power on other people's opinions. Certainly for a while I absolutely needed the job. I had to hang on till the economy got better. Fortunately it did. Right now there is a bit of a lull and I have to do retail. Nothing is for ever.

I do know that I can allow so many people places and things to have precedent over my life. I work hard not to. I have choices. I may not like any of those choices but I do have them.

I've since left the house with the addict roommates. I have to work on not feeling rejected by them after all they are active addicts. The only way they would accept me is if I were an active addict and that's not possible. I can hold onto a resentment for a very long time.

I held onto the ex A for 7 years. Really after 6 months I knew every day was going to be a disaster but I felt like my whole life depended on him. I have since discovered that it certainly doesn't. In fact it doesn't depend on anyone but me showing up.

I am certainly getting up there in age and my choices are limited but I have discovered I can say I'll wait or look at my options rather than stick to or jump into any relationship. Right now my time is pretty limited but at some point I'd like to try one. If it doesn't work out its fine by me today. In the past if it didn't work out it was the end of the world.

All my attitude changes have come about from al anon. There are no more shoulda, coulda woulda's on my self. Every day I try to make it a better one. One sure way to do it is to do a gratitude list every day and work on that. Another is to have a sponsor, work on a program and invite feedback. Having people around me who value me, are interested in me and want to know about my life has been so essential.

You deserve more than feeling second best. Survival is definitely an issue for so many of us. But there is suvival on so many levels and learning new tools, exploring options is a great deal if you feel that your back is against the wall.

maresie.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

There certainly is a lesson to be learned on this thread

I believe alanon challenged me to learn how to validate Myself without disrespecting anyone else or abandoning myself

It is clear that a few defensive, judgmental words can set off an firestorm that is difficult to put out

I have also learned to recognize what the other party is verbalizing and to try to see my part in the upheaval This I must do without justifying my actions and arguing my position

No one in alanon is recovered We work these Steps and use the program One day at a time . If we maintain our Spiritual awakening by using these tools we continue our spiritual progress One Day at Time

I think that arguing on the Board sets up an unsafe place for those of us who are already feeling lost and vulnerable.

I would like to ask all to be mindful of your posts so as to know that this is a Public Forum. We invite those, most vulnerable, to venture in and share their hearts.

I think in the future, if we disagree , using the "Private Message" section of the Board would be the best source of addressing an issue

Thanks for letting me share

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 4th of December 2011 11:37:55 PM

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

IFA --

please don't let a few comments put you off from this group....frankly, I need you here.

There are many folks here talking about gratitude lists and higher powers etc etc....and I am just trying to find a reason to crawl out of this hole. I feel like a total loser, and now my bf of 6 mos says he wants to be released to see other people...

I am hurting so badly that I can't eat and can't sleep and I feel like a piece of crap. This mind you, from a prominent member of the community who has a ph.d. -- everyone says "you have so much to offer" Duh -- if I could see that do you think I'd be telling you I feel like crap?

we need people who can be with others when things are very bad....I tried to read the posts about grattitude and miracles and thought to myself -- they are speaking a different language that I just don't get -- because I just am not there...at all. We need people to remind us that life can be great, but we also need people to post when we're in the dark scary places.

I need help finding my way out of this headspace, and need others who are there to help. Please don't abandon the board. We need each other.

K.

ifa · Veteran Member

rehprof wrote:
IFA --
please don't let a few comments put you off from this group....frankly, I need you here.
There are many folks here talking about gratitude lists and higher powers etc etc....and I am just trying to find a reason to crawl out of this hole. I feel like a total loser, and now my bf of 6 mos says he wants to be released to see other people...
I am hurting so badly that I can't eat and can't sleep and I feel like a piece of crap. This mind you, from a prominent member of the community who has a ph.d. -- everyone says "you have so much to offer" Duh -- if I could see that do you think I'd be telling you I feel like crap?
we need people who can be with others when things are very bad....I tried to read the posts about grattitude and miracles and thought to myself -- they are speaking a different language that I just don't get -- because I just am not there...at all. We need people to remind us that life can be great, but we also need people to post when we're in the dark scary places.
I need help finding my way out of this headspace, and need others who are there to help. Please don't abandon the board. We need each other.
K.

I will try, I know I have a lot of hope and experience to give you. My HP has bailed me out many times and I have complete faith in his love and wisdom. I think I know exactly how you feel right now. As stressed as I feel about my current job situation, it is nothing compared to the dark hole I fall into when rejected by someone I deeply love.

I know you can get help. You just have to ask, and trust. Sharing about our faith hope and experience is good for all of us.

If only this were more like a live meeting, where there is seldom any judging or blaming. We can try though.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't mean to judge you. I hope you have a great day and a great life. Sorry my message didn't help you. Sorry I got angry with your responses. Life is too short for resentments. I try and take lessons from all my interactions including this one. Whether justified or not, I did harsh out on you and that was wrong. As far as only getting support in meetings...I have had plenty of suggestions thrown at me that I didn't like hearing...some I railed against and they really hurt. Mostly those ones that hurt were about me acting like a baby or being immature and those hurt because they were true at the time.

This is the spiritual axiom, it helps me to keep the focus where it belongs when I start getting bothered by others or fault finding too much:

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. 12 & 12, p. 90

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 6th of December 2011 10:12:15 AM

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 6th of December 2011 10:25:45 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.